Fellow E-hellions, I feel a bit bad about calling out this faux pas (if it is one), because I know it’s essentially a well-intentioned effort by well-meaning people to garner support for a friend in tragic difficulties. But the whole phenomenon seems to me to be just so hideously tacky on so many levels—and this is the second or third time this year that I’ve encountered it at my workplace—that I think it belongs in Ehell as a warning to other well-meaning people who may be tempted to follow the trend. If I’m wrong about that, feel free to go ahead and rip me a new one (with your customary politeness, of course).
Here’s the story. Today I received the following (heavily censored) mass email sent to all employees at my workplace:
“Dear [Workplace] Community: “[Colleague Name,] dear friend to many of us at [Workplace], has recently been diagnosed with [Name of Serious Illness]. She is in the process of receiving treatments, which has been very difficult on both her and her husband… [Details of family connections, diagnosis and treatment suppressed]. “In the meantime, we would like to show our support. Prescriptions, medical expenses and travel costs are just a few of the expenses they are facing, and we would like to help. “Please help us in sending [Colleague and Spouse] our best wishes for a speedy recovery by signing a giant get well card. The card is located at [Workplace Location]. “In addition, please consider helping financially. Join our very own [Other Colleague] and his band [Band Name] at [Local Music and Dining Establishment] at [Date and Time]. There will be a collection box, a 50/50 raffle and a raffle of donated items, which will be available for viewing during dinner hours. All of the proceeds will go straight to [Colleague and Spouse] to help offset some of the medical expenses they are facing. “And if you or anyone you know would like to donate a service or merchandise to raffle, please contact [Name of Contact Person]. “So come out and have some fun. Let’s raise the roof and raise some money to help support [Colleague and Spouse] during this difficult time in their lives. “Sincerely, [Names of Well-Meaning Co-workers]”
First of all, am I just crazy, or is there something horribly incongruous in the message “Hey everybody, [Beloved Colleague] has cancer! Come out and have some fun!”? I don’t happen to know this particular co-worker personally, but if I did, finding out about her serious illness would NOT inspire me to go out to a local bar and “raise the roof”. Heck, even without knowing her personally, I’m pretty depressed to read about her predicament. Who on earth would enjoy the idea of using somebody else’s life-threatening health crisis as an excuse to party or as an opportunity to win a raffle item?
Secondly, while I deeply sympathize with families who are feeling the strain of a serious illness financially as well as in other aspects of their lives, aren’t colleagues and employers supposed to address this issue by means of official employee benefits rather than by randomly passing the hat? We’re lucky enough at our workplace to have a pretty good health insurance policy for employees, and many of us have made compromises on salary levels and other employment perks in order to have a high-quality benefits package that is available to all of us. If our employee medical coverage is massively inadequate for employees with serious illnesses (and I know that hardly any insurance policy will cover all expenses of a serious illness, which is deplorable), then by all means let’s take action to remedy that. But the idea of trying to fill the coverage gaps for individual colleagues by soliciting cash handouts from co-workers who may never even have met them just seems really undignified. And it also seems rather unfair to other co-workers who may also be facing major expenses associated with serious illness in their families but prefer to keep it a private matter. Should we really consider it acceptable to have our well-meaning co-workers blabbing the details of our private medical and family issues to all and sundry in our workplace, and arranging public entertainment events to spotlight our problems and our need for monetary help? Is somebody who finds that appallingly distasteful just being a mean old unsympathetic grinch?
That said, I do think the idea of a giant get-well card that all interested co-workers can sign is nice. Saying “Hey everybody, [Beloved Colleague] is going through tough times and needs your money!” may be tacky, but saying “Hey everybody, [Beloved Colleague] is going through tough times and needs your good wishes!” seems thoughtful and sweet. If [Well-Meaning Co-workers] had left it at that, I wouldn’t have written this letter. 0719-11
Tag: Cow-irkers
Happy Valentine’s Day. You Suck.
After many happy years as an elementary school teacher, I accepted a transfer to the junior high, against my better judgment. I quickly realized that I do not get along well with older children and found myself butting heads with most of my students. That’s why I was so surprised on Valentine’s day, when dozens of students stopped by to deliver me beautiful, hand-made cards.
That is, until I read them. Almost every one said ‘Dear Mr. K, you are our least favorite teacher. Mrs. Smith made us make these.’
As it turned out, the school counselor had all the students make cards for their favorite teacher…and their least favorite teacher. I guess she was trying to mend fences, but all this did was make me realize how generally disliked I was. Not a happy Valentine’s Day. When I asked the counselor about this activity, she blamed the kids for being rude, not stopping to think that maybe teachers don’t want to be reminded of their unpopularity.
I’m now happily back teaching elementary school. 0808-11
Listen To That Twitching Gut…It’s More Of A Gimme Pig Detector Than You Think
When my co-worker, *Jane* was pregnant with her second child, some of us at the office decided to throw her an office baby shower since her first child was 11, and this was her first child with her new husband. I and three other co-workers took on the responsibility of hosting and informed Jane of our plans. A few days later, Jane informs us that none of her friends or family can host a shower for her, and asked if we could make the work shower an “everyone shower.” She said her sister and mother couldn’t plan anything or help out ahead of time, but was willing to help out the day of and contribute financially. We already have a bad feeling about this, but smile and agree to host the shower for all of her friends and family.
Initially we had planned to have the event at a small conference center at our office (since it was initially only for our office of 20 people), but Jane’s sister informs us that their mother wants it moved to the rec center at her apartment complex. Again, we agree. Jane’s sister also tells us that she and her mother will contribute to the food since we will now be expecting a few more guests. A few more? When Jane provides us with the list, it has over 60 names in addition to our co-workers. Still, we plug on…
On the day of the shower, we arrive at the complex and find we are the only ones there to set up. Even though Jane’s mom lives at the complex and her sister is at the mom’s house, neither of them come over to help set anything up, not even the food they promised to provide. My co-workers and I hustle to decorate and one runs to the nearest grocery store to get more food since without the promised contributions from the family we don’t have enough. Finally, less than five minutes before the guests are set to arrive, Jane and her family saunter in with a small tray of appetizers (good thing we had already purchased more). Jane sits imperiously in the chair we had set up for her and does not move again for the rest of the shower. She doesn’t greet guests or speak to anyone who does not come to her. NO ONE in the family assisted us with anything. No one offered to help us serve food, take gifts, or anything. They certainly didn’t stay to clean up. And throughout the shower, the ONLY time anyone in her family spoke to us it was to tell us that a tray needed to be refilled. They clearly saw us as the hired help, as opposed to work friends who were hosting a beautiful and expensive shower for their daughter/sister.
As Jane opened gifts from the guests, she never said “thank you” or even positive comments like “how cute.” She simply opened them, looked at the gift, put it on the table next to her and reached for the next gift. We had taken up money from all our co-workers and purchased the expensive stroller Jane had registered for as well as a tall wicker laundry basket that was FULL of smaller items, including several handmade gifts, spending well over $500. I know you don’t buy over-the-top gifts for the accolades, but I was shocked when Jane looked at it all, and moved on without a word. We had put every penny our co-workers had contributed towards gifts (splitting the entire bill for the shower between the four of us), and purchased considerably more than she should have been expecting, but not even a murmur of appreciation. Fortunately, by this time, her bizarre behavior at work has also alienated most of her co-workers, and only one co-worker outside of the four of us that hosted showed up for the shower, so at least our co-workers did not see this rudeness (and we have never told them).
A few excruciating hours later, my co-workers and I are cleaning up (without help) and are stunned by the way that Jane and her family had treated us. None of them helped at all, contributed financially, or even said thank you. By the time it was over, we glad that Jane was planning on her quitting her job to stay home with her baby the first year. By the way, Jane never sent thank you notes to any of us that hosted. She didn’t send a thank you to the office for the gifts until a former co-worker called her (several months after the shower) to tell her she thought it was rude that Jane never acknowledged the gift. At that point, Jane sent a generic thank you to the office. 0727-11
Mugged
I have a coworker who recently showed me that she has no respect for the people she works with in the slightest.
The other day I was in search of my coffee mug. It was a gift from a friend, and a very large mug- I usually used it in lieu of a bowl for soup and oatmeal at work. I looked everywhere. I couldn’t find it. I asked around, no one had seen it.
However, I had an idea where it might have gone. One co-worker, Marie, at one point had put a sign up in the break room that any Tupperware or mugs left in the sink would be thrown away. Now, it should be noted that Marie is not a manager, or even anyone’s supervisor. She’s on the way low end of the totem pole, and had no authority or permission to do this. In fact, someone took down the sign, just a couple days later.
I asked my friend Jane if she’d seen my mug. “I think I saw it in the sink.. but you know, I saw Marie throwing away a few people’s mugs last week (not mine). I told her she couldn’t do that, and she just said,’Sure I can,’ and tossed them in the trash.”
Well I had certainly left my mug in the sink.. I’d forgotten about it, as I don’t go into the break room often. To be clear, these “dirty” mugs aren’t causing any one any issues (unless your insane), its not a huge epidemic, there aren’t 20 mugs/Tupperware bowls in the sink.. and they don’t smell. Usually people have their coffee, fill the mug with water and leave it in the sink and forget about it for a day or two. That’s what happened here. Usually if the mugs got left there for more than a day, someone would politely ask the owner to finish rinsing their mug, which would happen right away. No one is being a slob on purpose in this office, I’m happy to say.
So, to be sure, I asked the cleaning staff if she’d seen my mug in the trash.. she said yes, but figured it was there for a reason so she didn’t take it out. (Why would she? Digging through the trash isn’t her job, taking it out is. That’s totally understandable.)
So, Marie threw my mug away. I was livid. She felt that because a mug was sitting in the sink, presumably annoying her any time she walked into the room, she decided that she didn’t care if it was my property (and she KNEW it was mine, everyone did. I walked around with it all the time and it was very distinctive) and decided she had the right to toss it in the trash. What made me even more angry was that she’d lied to me when I’d asked her if she’d seen it.
So I thought I’d confront her about it. I walked up and, very politely, asked her if she’d thrown away my mug. She looked up at me with a smug expression and just said, “No.” then went back to not-working.
Now I was even more angry. If you’re going to do something like that, at least live up to it. But no, she has so little respect for me, that she sees no problem throwing away my possessions, and lying to my face about it. A mug is replaceable.. the real reason I was angry was the utter lack of respect she shows to everyone around her. I’ll admit, it was tempting to take her mug off her desk and throw it in the trash, but then I’d be just as bad as she is.
Despite the fact that I had no proof, I told my boss about it anyway. He was upset, but now it’s a moot point. That same day she told her supervisor she was quitting in two months. Also, a week later, I heard someone else lamenting their missing coffee mug.
It gets worse though. This week, since she’s leaving, she handed my co-worker Jane a stack of papers and told her their supervisor had said Jane had to do all of Marie’s work for the next two months, so she’d know how to do it once Marie was gone. But Marie would not be taking any of Jane’s job duties, like answering the phones, while Jane did this.
Jane checked with the supervisor, who confirmed her suspicions that Marie was exaggerating (Marie was only supposed to teach her the things she didn’t already know, which wasn’t much, and watch her as she did them..) and when Jane and the supervisor confronted Marie (politely and calmly) she launched into a huge fit that required getting our Director involved. He sided with Jane, and now Marie does nothing but sulk and say hateful things to Jane all day long, or at least in a hateful tone.
I feel bad that Jane has to sit right next to her, and I can’t wait for her to leave. She makes the whole office environment terrible to be in! 0609-11
Something causes me to wonder if there is a completely different side of this story. It’s normal office culture to leave dirty coffee mugs in the break room kitchen sink? The initial mental image I had was of a prime invitation to every insect and rodent pest and a bunch of lazy coffee/tea drinkers who couldn’t be bothered to take a few seconds to wash their mugs after using them thus leaving the chore to one of their co-workers with a slightly more refined sense of cleanliness. (Here on Ehell, we typically to refer to behavior that expects others to do your job as “entitled”.)
Second, it is no one else’s responsibility to care for our precious possessions. Valuable belongings, whether the value be monetary or sentimental, should be cared for by their owner with no expectation that others will perceive it as being something other than the common household item it is. If it’s important to you, you take measures to make sure it is securely cared for. In this case, the mug cleaned, dried and put away in a cabinet or taken back to your own office/desk for safekeeping. My husband and I drilled into our kids from a young age that if something of theirs was particularly precious, it was their duty to care for it. Toys thrown on the floor, left outside to get rained on and left in common areas to eventually succumb to being damaged, lost or used by other kids was solely their responsibility. Did you really love that Tonka truck if you left it to rust for days on end by the wood pile? Can you really say your dolls or model horses were irreplaceable if you left them on the stairway to be kicked around? (Addendum: And sometimes in the process of housecleaning, Mom or Dad threw away apparently discarded, abandoned items left for someone to trip over and ignored the whines of how allegedly dear it was to its owner. End result are adult children who treat their possessions well.)
So, let’s be real, OP. You didn’t love your mug. You treated it like a common mug like everyone else’s and left it dirty, apparently repeatedly, in the break room sink. Your value of it did not extend to keeping it clean and secure in your possession. For all I know, Maria got tired of the general filth and poor hygiene her co-workers seemed to think was normal and started trashing the cockroach bait lurking in the sink that her fellow co-workers were contributing on a daily basis. And since Maria’s motivation regarding the disposal of the dirty mugs is in question, the other areas of her behavior raised come into doubt as well.
“Look At My Boobs!”
A businesswoman friend of mine wanted to meet me for a beer after work. We arrived separately at about the same time, and I was walking past her car as she got out. When we were walking in I noticed that her blouse was open, and it was obvious she had “missed a button”. Since we were walking into a nice restaurant, I was a little uncomfortable about it but simply said, “I think you missed a button”. She said, “No, it’s just too tight.” That happened about a month ago, and ever since then, I have noticed it must be fashionable right now, because a whole lot of women have “missed a button”, and it’s way past showing a little cleavage, and more like “Look at my boobs !” What’s a guy to do? 0502-11
The problem with pointing out attire malfunctions of a delicate, personal nature is that it is an admission that one’s eyes having traveled to look at those areas. How does one tell a man his fly is wide open revealing that your eyes have zeroed in on his private parts enough to have noticed ? If it’s my husband or a male member of my family, I whisper it in their ear. But if it’s a man I know somewhat or not at all, I point it out to my husband or son who then informs the other guy of the problem. Most of this is to reduce embarrassment for the guy. Some will disagree with me but I just don’t believe it is appropriate for an unfamiliar woman to be telling a man that his genitals are not adequately covered by means of zipper functionality.
As for undone buttons on a woman’s blouse, once a woman is an adult, the days of anyone telling her how to dress should be over. Deep cleavage via the unbuttoning of blouse buttons is not a clothing malfunction. It is a fashion and life style statement. Despite the obvious non-verbal invitation being given to direct one’s eyes to the mammary valley, a gentleman does not accept the invitation, at least not in public. And for heaven’s sake, he NEVER comments on “missing buttons” thus confirming that the invitation to take a look has been acted upon.
And one thing you, the OP, should seriously consider is the danger of appearing too interested in the number of buttons buttoned or unbuttoned by your female co-workers. It is unhappy fact of life that some female employees do not dress in a professional manner but rather in a provocative way which opens the door for their male counterparts to step on the slippery slope of ogling the offered goods and right into a charge of sexual harassment.