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House guests, party guests, Ignorant hosts

I got married back in 1991 and like any good bride and groom we decided to do the traditional save a piece of the wedding cake to eat on our first anniversary thing. I had an old high school buddy named "Buzzard". "Buzzard" came over one night about a month before our anniversary, plopped himself down on our couch, flipped the TV channel to what he wanted to watch and like any guest from hell, started making long distance calls from my phone.

Well this was a week night and about 2 am after countless hints from me that my wife and I were tired and had to work early in the morning, I gave up and announced to "Buzzard" that my wife and I were going to bed and could he please turn off the TV and lock up when he left.

Then next morning I got up and got ready for work and expecting the worse, finally went downstairs to survey the remains of my house. Everything looked fine and I was actually relieved until I got into the kitchen when I immediately saw cake smeared all over the oak table, carpet, sink, etc. I figured it could've been much worse than some leftover fridge cake cake smeared all over the place, when I stopped dead in my tracks as I realized we hadn't had cake any night that week and the only cake I knew of in the house was our wedding cake which had been waiting patiently in the freezer for the last 11 months!!!

Sure enough my "Buddy" from hell had got into our freezer and ate our wedding cake with his bare hands. Needless to say my wife was not pleased nor was I.   edhguest0719-00

My brother and I have lived at opposite ends of the continent most of our adult lives, so it was with real excitement that I made arrangements to introduce my new boyfriend to he and his wife.  I'd met her before and though our styles are substantially different, I really did like her -- at one time. The ostentatious Formica palace they call home is the single avenue open for discussion; topics for conversation pretty well stop at the property line. As an added delight, she had just lost 50 pounds and looked great -- there were countless digs about MY weight! (Ahem, I have never BEEN overweight).

In the course of our incredibly short (three days -- it seemed much longer) stay, she insisted on throwing an elaborate dinner party that had her distracted, frantic and short-tempered. I can't imagine why -- on the big night it was up to my brother to cook the entire meal -- his birthday dinner, as it happened -- after a working day that had started at 530 a.m.

What fun! She dutifully handed around a canape that seemed to be composed of molten cheese encased within a flap of damp cardboard. As I romantically offered a bite to my beloved, a drift of cheese-lava snaked out onto my hand, lifting the skin. As I abruptly got up to leave the room with as much decorum as I could muster in the face of searing pain, she shrieked "Don't get any on the rug!" I would have to say in retrospect, that that was probably the high point of the evening.

They are devoted to some obscurantist vegen cuisine, the central tenet of which seems to be that each meal must take my poor brother an improbably long time to prepare in splendid, unspoiled solitude.  The rest of us sat and talked about (what else?) the house. My sister-in-law drank. Her sly hints about her sexual prowess became broad references -- by the end of the evening she was quite openly coming on to my boyfriend! edhguest0817-00

My new husband and I had just moved into our house, and we decided to throw a housewarming party. I invited some of my friends, he invited some of his. Some of his friends brought some of THEIR friends, so I ended up having quite a few guys in the house I didn't know.

At one point I went to the kitchen for something and ran into one of those guys coming in from the back deck. He was grinning and zipping up his fly. "Er, what were you doing?" I asked. "P***ing off the deck," he chortled. I was appalled, but I didn't say anything (which I still regret). The house had two bathrooms, and they weren't even occupied, so this moron had no excuse - he just felt like being a moron. The nadir of the evening came later when one of my friends spotted one of the friends-of-my-husband's-friends coming out of our bathroom sniffling and wiping white powder from underneath his nose.  edhguests0718-00

I just have to tell this story. It's one of those "when-you-discover-your-man-is-a-Neanderthal" stories.

A month after the beautiful, extravagant wedding of a wealthy friend of mine (call him Alan), he and his wife (Aretha) hosted a very chic house-warming party. They had spent a fortune decorating their new flat in white and cream designer-name furniture and rugs and wanted everyone to appreciate their new home.

Now, none of our friends really knew or liked Alan's new wife too much, as she was always TOO perfectly dressed and poised and seemed to snob us mortals a bit, but we were always polite. The party was intimate, not more than 25 closest friends. There were hired waiters serving champagne, whisky and little finger foods and soft music in the background.

At one point during the evening, after we had taken a tour of the house, we were sitting in a group on the brand new, silk sofas talking about the decor. Mark, a good friend of Alan’s was sitting with his long-time girlfriend, Caroline on one side and showered Alan and Aretha with compliments on their beautiful home when they came up to the group. As Aretha was thanking them, a waiter came up with some fried chicken balls on a tray and napkins in the other. Mark took one of the balls and very daintily put it in his mouth but forgot to take a napkin. Then, as the hostess was talking to him, he started looking around for somewhere to wipe his greasy, bread-crumby fingers, all the while nodding in agreement at whatever she was saying. His eyes wandered over the table, then over the side-table, then over to Caroline, then back to the table, the floor, Aretha, back to the side-table and finally came to rest upon the new sofa's armrest.

Yup, you guessed it. Before anyone could stop him, Mark daintily and carefully wiped all the grease crumbs off his fingers and onto the creamy silk of the arm-rest covers of the new couch right in front of Aretha, still nodding and smiling at her even though she had by now stopped talking and was just staring, open-mouthed, at the grease spots. Caroline slapped his hand like a little boy and said, "Mark!"  He basically yelped and glared at her, then looked up at his hosts and said,  "That's what they're for, right? To protect the couch. Tell her."

I must admit, Aretha was very polite. All she did was half-smile back, discreetly call over a waiter and ask him to give Mark a napkin and said not to worry and that it would come off. I think I would have freaked. There's no way that stain is coming off easily.

Of course this isn’t the only reason why, but Mark and Caroline aren’t together anymore.   edhguests1002-00

A friend of ours was graduating from medical school and invited my husband and I to a dinner in honor of the graduates.  Everything was very elegant and tasteful, the dinner delicious, and after the speeches there was dancing.  All through dinner the table next to ours was a little loud with celebration, but nothing too bad.  After dinner is another story. 

These people proceeded to get rip roaring drunk. They were shouting to each other, drinking the wine straight from the bottle, totaling forgetting where they were at.  An older lady, who was built like a broom and was wearing a dress just long enough to cover her butt, got up to dance with two young (aoout 11 or 12) boys.  She really got into the music, kicking her legs high in the air and boogeying way down low with her knees spread so far apart you could see to China.  Everyone was appalled except her table. They just roared with laughter and egged her on.  I couldn't believe how they were acting in public, but in front of young children was truly horrendous.  Why no asked them to leave is beyond me.  I don't know where these people were from, but the idea of one them being a doctor makes me slightly nauseous!   edhguests1023-00

My worst guest story is about guests that didn't even make it to the


My fiance works with a couple of people he also considers his friends. One day they all mutually decided that they would get together for a movie marathon. This meant viewing a movie and all of its sequels with lunch in between (like watching all the Indiana Jones movies or all the Star Wars movies)! It was also mutually decided that the event should be at my fiance's house since he had the most space. I got all psyched and went to the store the evening before and went all out with food and drinks. My fiance said that several people were planning on coming so we planned for about 25 people--counting spouses and significant others.

The day of the big event we got up early and set out chips and dips and sodas etc. The party was supposed to start at 1200 PM. Noon came and went and no one had showed up! I was starting to get upset and even questioned my fiance if he was sure they said they were coming. He assured me that they said they would definitely be coming. About 300 PM two people showed up. This was in the middle of the 2nd movie--we'd started them at noon because that's when we said they would start. We had even eaten lunch so the couple that came late had to eat by themselves and left precisely after the 2nd movie ended.    I decided that maybe my fiance misunderstood them or something even though he sent out cool invitations and reminded them all about it the day before. When he questioned them about it they said they forgot or "something came up."

A couple of months later, the same pals come to him begging for another movie marathon because they were now "deeply saddened" at not being able to make the last one. My fiance agreed and the date was set. Again, we went all out. Don't ask me why, but we fooled ourselves into believing they really had emergencies the last time. Well, noon came and went and no one showed up. My fiance had sent invitations again and reminded them all of the date beforehand. The whole day passed and not one person showed up! I even made this HUGE salad that I ended up only being able to eat half of before the whole thing went bad. I was so angry that I told my fiance "The next time that they come BEGGING you to throw a party for them, you tell them that this time they need to have it at their house and they can spend $75 on food and drink. Then I'LL be the one to say, " I'll come and then just not show up. See how they feel."

When questioned about it again they still had no plausible excuse. I was so hurt by this display by his "friends" that I questioned MY friends at MY workplace to see if my fiance and I were a boring couple. They assured me that we weren't but my fiance & I agreed that would be our last stint at throwing parties for awhile.    edhguest1115-00

During the summer I hosted a barbeque.  As I was trying to be polite I invited my next door neighbor.  We were all enjoying the day and she finally showed up.  She sat far away from everyone,not speaking.  Just as everyone was finished eating she pointed to a friend of mine whom she had never met and stated,"I need you for about 15 minutes".  We all laughed and thought she was making a joke as he was young and single.  She then pointed to another male and said,"I need you too".

Thinking it was a joke they got up and stood in her yard as she said she would be right back.....She came back with a garbage can and said, " I want you two to pull weeds for me for 15 minutes."    Everyone gave her royal cain and she went to pulling weeds herself saying she thought it was a weed pulling party.    edhguest1022-00

My son is developmentally disabled and as a result I felt it would be wise not to throw him any of those big chaotic kiddie birthday parties. Instead I planned small events where a reasonable amount of order could be maintained. I also have a small yard, small house and a small budget. I did however plan these parties down to the last detail, including giving every child a prize after every game to avoid any potential hard feelings and tears from the losers. They were neat prizes too. I shopped all year for nice, but inexpensive prizes and bought four of everything.

Well, for my son's sixth birthday I invited two neighborhood children and my best friend's son, all of whom were five and a half to six years old. My best friend and her family had moved fifty miles away but planned to bring her son and help me with the party.

When party time rolled around my friend had not arrived, but one first grade boy came and then the little neighborhood girl showed up with her father's girlfriend's son in tow. She announced that it was all right because he had brought a gift. I thought it would prove interesting to have five children in attendance with prizes for four. Ultimately my friend never showed so I gave her son's prizes to the uninvited guest.

I was annoyed because he was much too young for the games I had planned and kept going back to the ones we had already completed and asking for additional prizes. Also, the focus was supposed to be on my son, the birthday boy. His mother (whom I had never met) could have at least CALLED to ask if he could be invited or just knocked on my door if need be. Our back yards abutt each other. She would have felt ill used if I had sent him home. Who puts a four year old kid in the position of being a gate crasher?   edhguest1029-00

Last Thanksgiving, we invited my parents and my brother and his wife to spend the holiday with us. They all accepted. We got busy making the house all nice and planning the menu. My brother enjoys certain dishes that are not of the usual Thanksgiving fare, so I made some of those for him to enjoy at his request. We shopped and bought enough food for a small army.

The day before Thanksgiving, my parents arrived. We were expecting my brother and his wife sometime Thanksgiving morning. But instead of hearing the doorbell ring, we heard the phone ring. My brother explained to my mother that he didn't feel well so they'd be staying home. We all expressed our concern and sent good wishes for his health.

Later that afternoon, my mother, being the mom that she is, called my brother's house to check on him. My sister-in-law answered the phone. When my mother asked to speak to my brother, she was told that he was at a friend's house watching the big game. Hmph. More pie for the rest of us!  edhguest1117-00

In August, I met a male (I would insult too many by calling him a man) who worked near my office. We went out a few times and played phone tag for a while. In November, saying he was still interested in me, this person visited my home. The second time he asked to use the phone twice, claiming the calls were work-related. I haven't heard from him since. I wouldn't have a problem with that -- except it's a month later now, and I just got my phone bill. I wondered why my usual $45-50 bill jumped to $68 and realized that this guy called a 900 personals line A) FROM MY HOUSE, and B) TWICE IN A 15-MINUTE PERIOD! The calls didn't break me, but with Christmas coming, these seven minutes cost me $15 I would rather have spent elsewhere. Naturally, I've cleared his number from my Caller ID.  edhguest1217-00

My husband's, brother's wife (I hate to claim her as MY sister-in-law) has to be the worst house guest--bar none!

Karl, Karen and their two teen-age children came to the country for a long weekend . Boy, was it a long weekend! My husband only gets to see and visit with this brother in person maybe twice a year, so he was very excited. Andrea, my step-daughter and our grandson were also there to round-out the guest list. Late in the afternoon, Karen and Andrea decide that they need to go shopping in a nearby town. They asked me if I wanted to go with them. I declined, because, as I explained, I needed to finish preparing the rest of the meal to be served that evening. I had been preparing food all day in fact, and told them what we were having. They went ahead without me on their shopping trip.

Approximately 30 minutes before dinner was served, they returned. Karen had brought back TACO BELL for herself and the children and stated, "Nothing here looks as though it would taste good in my mouth".  This is not a vegetarian who has just been shown a steak. We were having smoked baby-back ribs, coleslaw, kidney bean salad, hot rolls, potato salad and strawberry shortcake for dessert.

Guess what she got from me this Christmas--A COOKBOOK! I should have included Taco Bell coupons inside the front cover.   edhguest1227-00

We have had the rather difficult situation of wanting to keep in touch with a friend without having too much contact with her latest boyfriend.

Example 1. My husband and I invited Sally to a 'music night' at the College where I work. She was very enthused about the prospect of a relaxed evening out and asked could she bring her new boyfriend, Tom, along also. Of course, we were more than happy for that and were also curious to meet her new love interest...My initial reaction to Tom was rather lukewarm and rapidly cooled during the evening. He was reluctant to join in any conversation and basically our friend, Sally answered all of the questions directed to him while he just sat there.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he may be shy. At interval however he looked painfully bored and again refused to be drawn into chit chat and this continued for the whole evening. They then had coffee at our flat and after hearing that my father had recently suffered a stroke Tom made some poor taste "three weddings and a funeral" jokes. When we had seen them off, my husband told me that when Tom had first arrived he had been very interested in whether there would be any members of the College Council present that he could be introduced to, and when he was told there wouldn't be, it was apparent he felt he'd wasted his time.

2. Sally was moving interstate for work and we invited both her and Tom for a casual BBQ dinner get together. We arranged a time for 630 pm but when they hadn't arrived by 715 we thought we'd fire up the BBQ. When they did arrive at 730 Tom decided that although we had provided vegetarian food he wanted to buy some other provisions and disappeared to the local store. He returned with some groceries and bottles of soft drink for himself and Sally even though we had provided ample selection of drinks - we weren't offered any of this food or drink. My husband cooked the BBQ and both Tom and Sally only ate what they had bought. Tom is not vegetarian but refused the food we had provided. He then mentioned that while he had been out he "phoned a few of his friends who wanted to catch up with Sally too" and he had taken the liberty of inviting them to join us after dinner! So these friends arrived as we started on dessert and they were as communicative as Tom but eager to have some dessert, mind you. We felt that we had not only been put on the spot but our hospitality had been taken for granted. These new arrivals were reluctant to leave. We still keep in touch with Sally via email but are wary of playing host again!   edhguest0626-00

Page Last Updated May 15, 2007