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The "tortured" and the "torturees"

Spring 2000 Archive
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When my husband and I got engaged, we planned out our wedding well in advance. Our wedding attendants had approximately 13 1/2 months notice of our big day - so there was not a big problem with scheduling. Planning for the wedding proceeded smoothly. Approximately 2 months before the wedding, I received an e-mail from one of my local attendants [who coincidentally, was a very close friend of mine from law school] talking about all sorts of things unrelated to my wedding. As a side note, she posited the thought that she MIGHT not be able to attend the wedding (which was out of state), but that she was still working on it. I didn't give much thought to it - after all, what good friend of mine would cancel via e-mail?

My husband and I had an out of state bachelor party/bridal shower weekend a few days later, which included his parents [also out of towners]. When our plane landed, we found out that my husband's dad had just died! Naturally, the festivities were all called off. I called my bridal attendant back home [the friend from law school] and asked her to keep an eye on our house, since we were going to be gone for much longer than anticipated. I cried a bit with her on the phone, and she commiserated with me. When I brought up the possibility of her not being in the wedding, she pushed it aside and told me not to worry. I figured, she couldn't cancel on me now! The wedding is in just a few weeks, and my father-in-law just died at our bridal shower/bachelor party location!

When I returned to home a few weeks later, I had an email from that "friend" of mine. In this letter, she told me that she definitely was not going to be in my wedding! Via email! The reason? She had to go to a simple ceremony [the "swearing in" ceremony, which is boring and long and nobody I know has ever wanted to go and sit through it]. I responded, suggesting that she try and work around that, since she had committed to me a year earlier! I gave her alternate flight options, since the ceremony was on a Friday and my wedding was on a Saturday. Again - via email - my "friend" responded that she was sorry, she was not going to go through all of that for me. It would be "too much" for her money and time wise. I proceeded to choose my sister-in-law to fill in the vacancy - whom I honestly wanted all along, but decided against because she had just given birth. This really worked out best - much better.

HOWEVER, my "friend" has since [for the past year!] been hounding me trying to get back her money for her bridesmaid dress!!! Needless to say, the expenses that I have gone through since she dumped me last minute [in such horrendous circumstances] more than ate up her dress cost, and she certainly won't be getting that money from me. What a joke! ebms0306-01

My fiancé asked his brother to be his best man whom we'll call "Jeb" . I should have had a clue when I got a call at work one day from Jeb telling me that he was giving us a limo ride for a gift. Jeb insisted that the limo arrive at NOON although the wedding was 10:30 and we were having a brunch reception and wouldn't be ready to leave until 2:00 pm. It was a gift so I didn't really argue. He never threw any sort of bachelor party. The night before the wedding Jeb shows up to my fiancé's drunk in a car rented by a co-worker. They proceeded to the tux shop were Jeb was unruly in front of other members of the wedding party and my family. When they got back to the apartment, Jeb called a waitress that he met at a local restaurant and tied up the phone with his drunken gibberish.

At the reception, he never gives a toast until he sees that we are cutting the cake and taking pictures. He then come over and quietly offers a toast to the two of us. Jeb then disappears. (I need to mention that we specifically had our reception at the church and therefore, would not have any alcohol served.) We find out later, he is out taking limo rides and getting drunk on the fully stocked bar that he ordered. He also is taking other people from the reception for rides. At 2:00 pm, we left and went to a friend's house to open gifts with very close friends and immediate family. Jeb took another ride in the limo and brought back a flower for me which he insisted on giving to me right then with a kiss. We then had to rip through the packages because the limo had to be on another call at 4:00 pm and our hotel was an hour away. (In other words, we did not get to enjoy our family party because we were rushed off.) As we go out the door, there's Jeb, waiting to kiss the bride. As I go down the line he appears again to kiss me (eeuw). The third time I told him to forget it! My husband and I are living happily ever another state! Ebms0406-01

My friend Karen had 7 bridesmaids because her fiancé had to have every friend he ever knew in his wedding. It ended up being the brides sister and four close friends. The bride did not have any more friends, so she had to ask two former coworkers. One ended up being an ok bridesmaid. I really believe the other one was from HELL! She said she couldn't afford to pay for the dress, so Karen paid for it. In the meantime, we were absolutely shocked when we got our dresses. They were an iridescent lavender material with a bow that tied in the back (YUCK!). The dresses were $200.00 and it cost $75.00 for alterations, plus $20.00 to steam them. Here we are paying an arm and a leg for hideous dresses, and one of the "rent a friend" bridesmaids did not show up for the fitting. Nor did she show for the bridal shower, bachelorette party, or rehearsal.

The day of the wedding comes and we are all glad it is over. I had been up until 3:00 AM making favors for the reception. We are all ready and waiting for this girl to show up. We called her cell phone and she said she was lost. She finally got to the church and showed up in a tank top, cutoffs and sandals. No makeup on or hair done. She threw on her dress and put her hair into some sloppy ponytail thing. She didn't even care that she had held up the whole wedding. After the wedding we took pictures and drove to the reception. The bridesmaid from hell didn't even show up. She just left after the ceremony, and didn't even buy a gift for the Bride and Groom. I guess the moral of the story is: if you don't have enough friends, get over it!!     ebms0430-01

The moral of the story is that you get what you "pay" for. This bridesmaid knew she was merely a prop to even out the numbers of attendants and fulfilled the absolute minimum obligations required of models.

I had just got engaged on Christmas Eve and was excited about picking my bridal party! I ended up with 5 girls, two friends I had known a long time, future sister in law, and 2 girls that I attend school with. Anyway the one bridesmaid (we'll call her Jackie) was thrilled when I asked her. She was the kind of friend that was very needy and you want to take under your wing. Well, a couple months after asking her she got a chance to meet my fiancé' (we'll call him Gary!) and developed a crush on him that almost got out of control. I should have noticed signs when she said a very vulgar reason why she was late for school. I also took her to look for wedding gowns and she proceeded to pick one off the rack and said, "Oh isn't this lovely? I think I will wear this when I marry Gary!" I stopped speaking to her shortly after she got drunk and made several passes at him right in front of me! I left a message on her voice mail that she shouldn't be in my wedding and asked another friend (I should have asked in the first place) to do the honor.    ebms0517-01

My lovely cousin, "Evie," eloped with her husband, "Michael," about a year ago, in a quiet ceremony attended by their immediate families. However, Michael comes from a very large extended family; due to pressure from this family, they eventually agreed to have a large, public wedding later on in the year (last fall). Even though they are not exactly rolling in it, they shouldered the entire cost of the wedding. When my cousin called me last summer to ask me to be a bridesmaid in the wedding, I inwardly winced, as this would be my fourth "tour of duty" as a wedding attendant that year. Flying interstate, buying the dress, etc. - it all really adds up and it would be a real financial hardship for me. However, naturally I immediately accepted and I looked forward with joy to seeing my cousin for the first time in years, meeting her new husband, and spending some time with other family members. My cousin's little sister, "Monika," was her maid of honor - I hadn't seen her since she was about 14 or 15 (she was in her early twenties now). I hoped she had changed from the rather selfish & manipulative little person I remember. My hopes were unanswered.

When I arrived at Evie's a few days before the wedding, she was in tears. It seems that Monika had been dating a guy named "Joe" at the time invitations had been sent out & he had been invited. But naturally, Joe and Monika had broken up, then gotten back together, broken up... you get the picture. Pressed for an accurate head count a few weeks before the wedding, Evie and Michael had asked Monika to say conclusively if Joe were coming and Monika said no. Now, just days before the wedding, Monika had changed her tune and said Joe *would* be coming and demanded that they sit together. When told by Michael that the seating arrangements had already been made and it might not be possible for them to sit together, Monika pitched a fit, called Michael names, threatened to not come to the wedding, and hung up the phone. My aunt (the MOB) had taken Monika's side and now Evie was in tears because she might be missing a MOH! Meanwhile, Michael was pissed as hell, because apparently this sort of manipulative emotional blackmail had been Monika's m.o. throughout - well, I could have told them that - and not being related to her, he wasn't really as forgiving as the rest of us saps.

Anyway, in the end, told Monika that they would try to accommodate this fabulous on-again, off-again boyfriend, but it might not be possible for them to sit at the same table, unless someone canceled or didn't show up - which they wouldn't know till the wedding. But the story is not over. Earlier in the month, Monika had sent us e-vites for a bachelorette party for Evie scheduled for the night before the wedding (this was about all that she did as a MOH). Since Evie was technically already married, it was not so much a "traditional" bachelorette party, as a chance for all the girls in the wedding party (and other close friends) to go out on the town and hang out together. Monika had picked a very expensive local bar for this event, set the time, etc. I might add that she lives in a different town, and would be flying in that evening for this event after work, since her job is "too important" to take half a day for her sister's party.

Well, as the evening encroached, Monika called and revealed that she's had to work late, then her plane had been delayed, and we should just go ahead to the bar and she would join us there. We arrived at the bar to find out that it was packed to the gills, they had no idea we would be coming, and we were going to have to wait to get in. However, they took pity on us and seated us very quickly. By this point, as you might imagine, Evie was pretty steamed at Monika. As we sat around, she told us that Monika (who writes for some zine) had written a scathing column about weddings, how stupid they are, how lame it is to be involved in a wedding, and then proudly showed it to Evie. Lovely! When Monika finally arrived, more than an hour late, she seemed sullen and unfriendly... clearly didn't want to be there. This bar - which *she* had suggested - was really outrageously expensive, and she started complaining about the drink prices. When the bill came, it was something like $40 per person (obviously, the bride was NOT going to be required to pay for her own drinks!!!). Monika looked at the bill and put in $15. That's when I lost it and said, "No, I'm sorry, it's $40 not $15." To her credit, she grudgingly paid up.

The wedding was the next day and Monika did nothing at all to help her sister get dressed, made up, etc. Evie's best friend (who should have been the MOH in my opinion) wound up doing all the traditional MOH duties, helped out by me. The other bridesmaid, the groom's sister, didn't do anything. Monika bailed out of a nail appointment that she and Evie had together that morning (intended to give them some alone time) without saying anything. When she arrived at the house, it was clear that she was irritated and didn't really want to be there. She expressed her vexation loudly to anyone who would listen. Apparently, she was still upset about the whole seating arrangement situation & the fact that she was required to waste her time in the wedding. Of course, she just made veiled biting comments about various things that the bride was doing.

The wedding itself was gorgeous, but throughout the entire thing, Monika made it clear how much she didn't want to be there. She did get to sit together with her precious boyfriend, so she clung to him the entire time, talking mostly to him and her parents, and generally sulking. She didn't really attempt to mingle, socialize, etc. and left fairly early, claiming "headache." Needless to say, she didn't show up the next day at the post-wedding open-house brunch held by the newlyweds at their house for anyone who was still around and wanted to drop by. But here's the best (worst) part - she told her mother that she had been mortally offended by the shabby way she had been treated by Evie and Michael and that she would never speak to them again unless they apologized to her and Joe!! Her mother then turned around and told the newlyweds to apologize for not being accommodating enough and treating poor little Monika so cruelly. Um, hello? Well, I guess little Miss Manipulative eventually relented and they're all back on speaking terms. Some people are gluttons for punishment! :)   ebms 0228-01

Undoubtibly the reason why Evie and Michael eloped in the first place was to avoid family fiascos like this one. 

I was married this past summer and my very good friend (who I had known for over 13 years) let me down in a big way. Apparently, the night of the rehearsal dinner, she was going around asking the other bride's maids what time they would be leaving the wedding, asking if they planned to stay until the end. The day of my wedding, she arrived late and barely spoke to me. I hardly noticed the behavior at the time--since I was in my own world. We cut the cake around 8 (reception began at 6). Instead of tossing a bouquet to the bride's maids, I decided to have each one pull a sterling silver charm out of the cake. The DJ called all the bridesmaids together. I thought they were all there. I was getting ready to begin when I heard the DJ say "wait! We're missing one bride's maid!" I looked around. Who was missing? Then I noticed--Mary wasn't around. I said to my bridal party, "Where's Mary?" They looked at the floor, each other, everywhere but at me. The woman I had been to hell and back with, the one who I had been a maid of honor in her own wedding, had left. Gone off to go to the beach with her husband. Said goodbye to my husband but never bothered to find me. If you look at my wedding video, you can hear it loud and clear. "Mary Left..." one of the bride's maids said, And my reply: "That bitch!" I look around, assess the situation, and grab my new sister-in-law and instruct her to pull out a charm. I haven't spoken to Mary since....   Ebms 0301-01

Given the unladylike, impolite and crude reaction of the bride, it is no wonder the other bridesmaids hemmed and hawwed since none of them appear   to want to be the bearer of bad tidings and getting eaten alive for it.  There may be good reason why "Mary" left the reception bidding good bye to the groom but not the bride.

This story is one which I would rather forget about - unfortunately that is not possible because I'm the bridesmaid under question! I am still so embarrassed by what happened - no amount of apologizing will ever make me forget about it. It was the day of a good friend's wedding - the Maid of Honor and I had finished having our hair done at the hairdressers - the bride and 3 other bridesmaids were still waiting, so we offered to go back to the bride's house and finish organizing some last minute details. Everyone agreed - so we went on our way, but stopped on the way to pick up some fast food for lunch. We got back, ate our lunch, tied up some loose ends and made our way to the homestead where the wedding was to take place, as agreed.

Fast forward to the reception - the wedding was simply gorgeous - the bride radiant, the flowers exquisite. The setting was dreamlike - they were married at an old homestead on an Australian farm. The weather was beautiful, the ceremony flawless. The reception was going well too - until the speeches started. About halfway through my husband's speech (he was the best man) I started to feel dizzy. A couple of minutes later I could feel my face flushing and I started to feel nauseous. What was wrong? I do not drink alcohol, because I am allergic to one of the preservatives in it. So - I wasn't drunk, but I was certainly feeling that way. I knew there were a few speeches to go... and with their progression I continued to feel worse. Soon I was unable to focus my eyes and the speeches were starting to sound strange. I knew that I just couldn't continue sitting up the front of the room in this condition. I thought every eye in the room must be on me - if I looked as bad as I felt I'd certainly be more interesting than the speeches. The bridesmaid sitting next to me (Anna) had guessed that something was wrong, and she quizzed me between speeches - we didn't want to be so rude as to talk during them. She asked for a glass of water and I sipped at it slowly. It helped me slightly, for a short time, then it got worse again. Anna told me there was only one thing to do - I had to get up, walk to the back of the room and get to the toilets. Not easy to be inconspicuous when you're part of the bridal party. I was so reluctant to do it - I just didn't want to be getting up while someone was making a speech. Nonetheless, I was starting to feel delirious, so I knew that it was what I had to do... I waited until the next speech finished, got up, then proceeded to sway my way across the room. I will never forget how humiliated I was - especially when I heard one of the guests mutter 'Oh, how vile - she had too much to drink.' I just kept on walking (swaying) until I got to the toilets. The owner of the homestead was standing nearby, and he gave me a funny look. 'I know I'm rude, but I need to get there' I said - he helped me into the toilets and I sat down and rested my face against the cool tiles. I was feeling so bad - and I couldn't even have my husband in to comfort me - there was no way on earth I would have allowed another bridal party member to leave while the speeches were on.

Luckily I had only missed one (very long) speech - when they had finished and the bride came in to see why I had to leave the bridal table. I tried to explain what I was feeling, but everything I said was garbled. She knew that I wouldn't have had anything to drink, but I could tell she was worried by my behavior. The Maid of Honor came in and sent the bride out for the cutting of the cake. We worked out that either one of my drinks had been spiked or the take away we'd had for lunch must not have agreed with me. It could even have been standing outside in the sun for the ceremony. As soon as my husband was able, he came in to see what was wrong - he had noticed that I wasn't well, but couldn't do anything about it. He slowly walked me outside to the cool air and we sat until I was able to focus my eyes again. The groom came out and told my hubby to get me to hospital, but I refused. The groom wouldn't have any of it, though - he told me that either he or my husband was going to take me to the hospital right now - would I rather the best man or the groom leave the wedding? I asked if I could just sit still for a little while longer. The bride's parents came out to see me, and I apologized for my behavior. Even though I knew I wasn't drunk, my behavior was like that of someone who was 'plastered'. I felt so degraded to know that the majority of the guests would be thinking they knew exactly why I'd had to leave. Not long after, I glimpsed the bride and groom coming outside - they must have thrown the bouquet and garter - I couldn't think of any other reason the groom would be wearing the bride's petticoat! I deemed it reasonable to leave at this stage. We got to the hospital and they told me there wasn't much they could do - I just had to ride it out. We went home and I spent a few hours in a cool bath, trying to lower my temperature. By morning I was fine, and I spent the entire day apologizing to the newly married couple and their families. They said they understood, but there must have been a small amount of doubt - if I'd seen someone acting the way I was, I know what I'd think! I am so grateful that I wasn't physically sick at the wedding - I wouldn't ever have been able to look any of the guests in the eye ever again! Even though we joke about it now, whenever the story is told I cringe - even though I know it wasn't my fault.     Ebms 0302-01

My college roommate, and so called "friend", used to call me to either cry about her latest guy trouble, or brag about what her latest guy(s) had given her. That was it, she never really asked about me. Well, when she found out I was getting married she just went on and on about what dress she would get to wear in my wedding and that she should pick it out and give me ideas, etc. I really didn't want her in my wedding, and was gradually trying to break it off with her anyway, but I felt pressured and couldn't be mean and say no, even if she did invite herself to be a bridesmaid. She tried to be my maid of honor, but I told her it was a tradition to pick a family member, so my cousin was my choice(whew!).

When it came time for my wedding she wanted me to pay for her airline ticket to fly across the country, but I told her that I was so strapped for cash, since it was all going toward the wedding. But when she arrived at our hotel, she tried to get my credit card to "hold her room" she said, and luckily my mom stepped in and said no, so she used her own, which I didn't understand why she couldn't use in the first place. I had mailed her dress to her, and told her the length the hem should be from the floor, and I also bought her shoes for her and sent those too. However, when it came time for the wedding she didn't have her dress hemmed at all, and brought different shoes with her. She totally complained about the food we had for the rehearsal dinner, which she didn't pay for. She was having her period and came in my bathroom and got blood on the floor and toilet seat. She whined that I wasn't spending enough time with her and she flew all this way, but I told her I had to get my hair done and my nails done right before the wedding.

And worst of all....... and this is bad...... At the reception, she tried to get one of the groomsmen(hubby's cousin) into bed, and it was so completely obvious to his family, who sent his brothers to intervene. Finger pointing, nasty names, accusations of slutty, trampy behavior, etc. That wasn't good enough though. She decided to go for another groomsman, since that one didn't workout, and literally attacked hubby's best friend in front of several bystanders. I can't believe he slept with her! And she made a date with another one for later, but when the guy got there, the last one was still there. All I heard about for years later was what a slut she was, and how no one could believe how trashy and trampy and what a whore she was, and how she almost got his cousin. Overall though we had a beautiful wedding.   ebms 0305-01

My "friend" had a wedding extravaganza that went on for about 5 days straight. Well I went out of my way to attend every organizational event, dinner, pre-party, post parties, you name it. I ended up spending about $600.00 on the whole thing and believe me I was POOR! Well she never spoke to me after and when I got angry and told her over email that I wanted to see the wedding photos she had promised me, she sent me about five photos of myself in the most hideous pictures that have ever been taken of me. In one I was yelling at my boyfriend, another apparently glaring at all the bridesmaids, and the others were all of my back! Unbelievable. We no longer speak. And I hate weddings and have vowed to never do anything like that to my friends.  ebms0529-01

Last year I was in her wedding. It was held outdoors, in July, in Denver, mid-day. It was hot and there was no shade. The bridesmaids were stuck in pink satin gowns (floor-length, of course) with organza straps so every bit of sweat was going to show. The men were in tuxes. Of course, it wasn’t a formal wedding so no one else was dressed up like this. She told me over and over again just what a great deal her BM’s dresses were. Yeah right. I spent $180 on the dress and another $85 on the alterations, not to mention $40 on shoes and a bit more for a matching purse. Great deal. Not to mention that I didn’t really want to be a BM anyway. She asked me just after DH and I got engaged. One of her BM’s had dropped out and she needed an extra to make the sides even (although she never said that). When she asked me, I told her that it wasn’t a good time for me (DH and I were moving in together the weekend before her wedding and we were traveling to Denver) and that, given that I was in another wedding a month earlier, I really couldn’t afford it. She wouldn’t take no for an answer so, realizing that I needed to do this for future family harmony, I said yes.

Throughout the wedding planning process she went on and on about the details she was planning and why her ideas were great and that mine, which were different, weren’t as great. She told me that I would feel the same way during my planning process (I didn’t). She justified every detail to me on a daily basis. For example, she had a shower in her hometown (where I live) and invited only women and her male relatives. She announced over and over again that this was so that her fiancé would be able to get to know her relatives. When I foolishly suggested that she plan an activity for them during the shower she said that everyone loves showers so they should be there. (In the end, they went into the bedroom and watched sports other than her fiancé who was forced to endure the entire shower.)

On to her descent into etiquette hell. After we all endured this all of last spring and early summer, I was getting into the planning for my wedding. I asked her to be a BM (like I had a choice, for family unity). I sent all of the BM’s a swatch of fabric and told them to get any dress that was floor length in about that color. I didn’t care if the color was exactly the same as long as it was close. If it was ankle length instead of floor length that was good too. You would have thought that I had given SIL the worst possible assignment. She obviously had completely forgotten the stress of wedding planning as she called me daily to let me know how difficult it was to find the right dress. When we shopped together over New Years (when we were vacationing together) she vetoed several lovely dresses stating that she would over-shadow me. (Like any dress would over-shadow a big pouffy wedding dress.) In the end, she had one made, and complained that it was a bridesmaid dress and that she wouldn’t be able to wear it again.     ebms0530-01

As soon as my husband proposed I knew exactly who I wanted in the wedding party. My choices for bridesmaids included my husband-to-be's two sisters, Sally and Tonya. At the time I was living in Seattle, WA and trying to plan a wedding in my home town of Tampa, FL (where my mother and sister live). I felt I was missing out on some of the traditional wedding planning activities I would normally share with my family and close friends. Luckily, we lived close to Tonya who had become a good friend and accompanied me while I searched for wedding and bridesmaid gowns. Tonya was pleased when I showed her the photo of the dress I had chosen for my attendants. She liked the fabric and felt the idea of my purchasing the fabric and pattern for the girls was a nice gesture. Their costs would be shoes and seamstress fees, which we both felt was reasonable.

As the wedding date approached, Tonya seemed to undergo a personality transformation. She began criticizing me constantly, saying that I was overly obsessive about the wedding details and not being a gracious bride. In fact, she refused to have her dress made floor-length as I had asked, stating that she would not be able to dance in it at the reception. The dress was done ankle length. I offered to purchase a pair of satin flats for her to wear during the ceremony and pictures, so the length of her dress would match that of the others. She refused. Finally, feeling that I had somehow offended Tonya, I sent her flowers with a note saying how much I appreciated all her help with the wedding. I received no response. When I called to ask if she received the flowers, Tonya told me the arrangement was small and that she still felt I was being obsessive. I decided not to let the situation with Tonya get me down and to just go with the flow and enjoy my wedding.

Things with Tonya proceeded to get worse. On the wedding day, she ran around looking for a pair of scissors to cut off the floor-length slip she was to wear under her dress because it was hanging out. She did not smile in any of the pictures and then changed into a hideous sequined dress at the reception! Needless to say, I was offended and hurt. To this day I do not know what sparked this behavior, and my relationship with Tonya has never been the same.     ebms0611-01

Ok... My fiancé (now hubby) and I got engaged in 1998. We decided to wait until 2000 to get married when he was out of school. Upon our engagement, I asked my then best-friend to be my maid of honor. All I ever got from her was a shocked gasp of "wow." She went back to college that summer and join a sorority and that was the last I heard from her until the year I got married. Needless to say I gave up on her as my Maid of Honor.

My next Maid of Honor was a good friend of mine since I was 12. She was completely flattered and even cried when I asked her and said yes. I was really happy, I finally had a TRUE Maid of Honor... Ha ha ha. She joined a sorority that Spring and I never heard from HER again.

My THIRD (yes THIRD) Maid of Honor was a friend that I'd had since I was 8. I figured she was safe. Wrong again! She found a boyfriend that she "couldn't live without" (even if he beat her) and she "had" to drop all of her friends. Three strikes... After that I was very hesitant to select a new Maid of Honor. Who could blame me? Six months later I finally get the courage to ask again, this time my best friend from High School. She eagerly agreed and we started planning things that night. I was so ecstatic! FINALLY a friend that was eager for this role. Ha ha ha, joke was on me again. Nope - this one stuck it out... Although I sometimes wish she hadn't. Kristy (the Maid of Honor) agreed to be my Maid of Honor in 1999. That gave her a year of planning. Since we had three years to plan the wedding many things were left until about 6 months before the wedding. That's when things started to go wrong... The Third maid of honor came back into my life and was added as an attendant to the wedding. My fiancé and I had decided on three bridesmaids, a maid of honor, two best men and two ushers/groomsmen. Well she got back together with the ex she had sworn off so I had to replace her in May of 2000 (our wedding was September 16. 2000).  ebms0620-01

When my best friend got engaged last year, she asked me to be her MOH. This selection was quite controversial, as she has been friends with me and another girl, whom I will call Candy, for the same length of time (about 12 years--since junior high). Candy is the kind of girl who lives and dies for weddings and who was crushed by being "only a bridesmaid". She especially hated to lose out to me, because she considers herself a superior person and friend to the bride, whom I will call Samara, in every way.

Samara was very worried about Candy's feelings when she made me her choice. "Please include her in the planning of the shower and the bachelorette party," she begged me. Foolishly, I agreed. I called Candy to talk about the planning of these parties in November (the wedding was in the following July). We are all scattered around the country, so it seemed prudent to start early. My mother and I were going to co-host the shower at my parents' home, and throw quite a lovely Martha Stewart-esque fete, complete with china and silver and all the gourmet food made by us from scratch. Therefore, we couldn't invite a huge number of people. Twelve was our limit, we decided. The bride kindly provided us with a list of about 12 people.

Candy comes from an enormous family. She has five sisters, a sister-in-law, a mother, and a grandmother, and Candy believed that they should ALL be invited. Never mind that none of them but the sister-in-law is close to the bride. Never mind that two of the sisters are still in grade school and are completely spoiled brats with bad manners. Never mind that the grandmother is out of her mind with Alzheimer's and doesn't even know who the bride is. Candy wanted them there, so Candy just assumed that they would be invited. She didn't even ask me...she just started saying things like, "Oh, my grandmother will have so much fun at this shower!" So I was FORCED to explain that I couldn't invite her grandmother (because her grandmother wasn't even invited to the wedding!). Candy tried to argue, saying her grandmother wouldn't care and should still come to the shower. I put my foot down and said I couldn't break that rule of etiquette.

Then I had to tell her that her two youngest sisters were not invited because it wasn't "age appropriate" (translation: they will trash my house and my party). And then we agreed that one of the sisters didn't know the bride and so shouldn't be included. Which left the mother, the sister-in-law, and two sisters, whom the bride and I knew as acquaintances. The mother and sister-in-law I invited, because Samara had requested it. But the two sisters, Samara and I weren't sure about. I told Candy in March, "You decide whether your two sisters should be invited, and let me know your answer very soon." Candy never called me back, apparently furious because I'd disinvited her senile grandmother and her two bratty sisters. So, come May, when invitations went out, I assumed Candy didn't want me to invite the two older sisters. I went on about my shower plans. I'd asked Candy repeatedly what she wanted to do, but she acted all sullen and petulant, still pouting because she wasn't getting to do everything herself. She never called me to volunteer to help with anything, and tasks I assigned her didn't get done (so now I have to do them at the last minute). But she would call the bride regularly and complain about me "leaving her out" of the planning. It became clear that what Candy really wanted to do was make me and Samara miserable because she didn't get chosen to be the MOH.

Enter the beginning of June. The shower is a week and a half away. Antique dishes were washed and wiped by hand. Silver was polished. Flowers were ordered. Goody bags were assembled. RSVPs were mostly in. My mother and I had cleaned the house from top to bottom in preparation for 13 anticipated shower guests (one was a last-minute addition by the bride). As I live 250 miles from my mother's house, I was driving a 500 mile round trip for several weekends before the shower to help her prepare. I get a casual email from the bride one Tuesday morning. "Oh, by the way," she says, "Candy's upset. She told her sisters that they were invited to the shower, and they went and bought presents, but they didn't get formal invitations. It's no problem to invite two more, is it?" NO PROBLEM??? We're talking about a house already crammed to the gills with people. We're talking about gourmet food for two more to prepare. We're talking about two more $6 goody bags to go put together. And let's not even talk about the fact that Candy refuses to speak to me directly, but instead whines about me to the bride regularly (and Samara has enough stress of her own at this point). So I decide to be gracious and invite the two sisters. We make room. We break out the silver plate and mix it with the regular silver. I make a couple of extra goody bags.

All is right again. And what happens? Candy finds another way to make me look bad. I have to change the date of the bachelorette party from Thursday night to Saturday night (at the behest of the bride and other guests). As soon as the date is locked in, we find out that Candy (a nurse who works the night shift) has to work that night and can't come. So, of course, Candy calls the bride and whines about how unfair it is that I changed things without telling her. So, now the bride is blaming me, and I am secretly blaming the bride (who sees Candy every day and never told her about the change). Basically, Candy is a passive aggressive you-know-what-with-a-B who is trying to sabotage things when they don't go her way...and the bride is too much of a peacemaker to take a stand for what is right (which would be to tell Candy to piss up a rope). As MOH, I feel like it's my job to take whatever abuse the bride heaps upon me (within reason) and swallow hard, because I don't want to create more problems for her. But I'm thinking that at the shower, I will tell Candy that I have something to show her down in the cellar...and then "accidentally" lock her in...with my hungry, vicious Doberman. If only.    Ebms0627-01

Last year a friend of mine got married, her MOH and best friend, was living out of state and attending grad school and unable to throw a bridal shower. So myself and another bridesmaid threw the shower and the MOH agreed to host the bachelorette party a few days before the wedding while everyone was in town. The bridal shower went beautifully and I personally was relieved that some of my duties as a bridesmaid were over.

As the wedding date approached all the bridesmaids assured the MOH that we would be happy to help her with preparations for the bachelorette. Since she was coming from out of state it might be more difficult for her to make arrangements. About two weeks before the wedding another bridesmaid, "Betty", was concerned that invitations for the bachelorette party had not been sent out and no preparations had been made. Since we all new the MOH would only be arriving the morning of the party we thought it was best to have as many things ready (such as dinner reservations and plans for a night on the town) beforehand as possible. Then the MOH comes up with a plan to have the bachelorette at the bride's home! Since the MOH was staying with her she thought the locale was rather convenient. The other bridesmaids, myself included, thought this was not only inappropriate but also inconsiderate of the MOH to invite the bride to host her own party! Fortunately, another close friend, who was not even in the wedding party, offered to have the dinner at her home provided that the MOH bring the food and games and make plans for going out afterwards.

The MOH did finally send out email invitations three days before the party to the people she knew and postcards to the people she did not! The party was scheduled to start at 6pm, since I was a bridesmaid I decided to arrive early and help the MOH and the host setup. When I arrived the house was clean and the other bridesmaids were there. Then a few people from the bride's office started showing up but no MOH. Soon after the bride arrives, however, there is still no food since the MOH said she was bringing it, and of course still no MOH. At 8pm, after we have all been standing around cooling our heels for TWO HOURS she arrives with apologies galore. The "food" is homemade tacos with store bought taco shells and margaritas mix. It turns out that the MOH decided that her fiancé who had come from out of state with her needed to be dropped off on the other side of the town at the groom's office so he could hang out with the guys that evening. Although he could have easily been picked up by another friend or taken the train the MOH decided one hour before the party that she had to do it. Unfortunately for her it was the middle of rush hour and since we live in a big city she had gotten stuck in traffic.

Finally we all eat, open gag gifts, play some games and decide to head out to give the bride a fun night on the town. While we are out the MOH, who is engaged, makes a move on every guy who can walk. As we go from club to club she proceeds to drink more than her share of alcohol. The rest of us make sure that the bride stops drinking after awhile so she won't be hung over for the bridesmaid's luncheon the next day. But of course no one pays attention to the MOH. Then we all decide to head back to the house. Not once, but twice on the way back the MOH vomits in the back of the car and then once more on the host's front lawn. The next day at the bridesmaids' luncheon she has to excuse herself three times to head for the bathroom. Needless to say just about everyone involved in the wedding was appalled at her tackiness at her own best friend's wedding.     Ebms0717-01

My MoH decided to throw me a bridal shower and she decided to do all the invites by hand. Well, they didn't get mailed out until about a week before the party. Real short notice for all my relatives who live up to 2 hrs away. She had the party at a small park, she and my sis-in-law to be picked me up and at the park she sat down and proceeded to write out mothers day cards (one from her cat to her mother!) while my SiL and I got the decorations up and prepared the food. After the party, she sat and talked to her mother while my SiL, my MiL, my mother and I cleaned up!   Ebms0803-01

This story is about a Bridesmaid from Hell. I was in a celebrity wedding  about a year and a half ago... Well first off I will say that my friend, the bride, was already married in a civil ceremony on an island a year earlier, and just wanted to have "her big day" and really "do it up" so to speak. Which was fine, because her millionaire husband could MORE than afford it. So fast forward to 2 weeks before the wedding...

The bride flies down to her hometown to meet with all the bridesmaids and to bring all the custom made dresses with her for a final fitting. So after the fitting, we all go to a restaurant and have a good time just chatting and laughing... When it's over, Old Spinster Bridesmaid from Hell (she's the oldest one at 32 and unmarried) traps everyone at the door and *tells* (no prior invitation at all) us that the bride's shower is going to be in 3 days! At some high priced comedy/sports/entertainment club in the city. She then demands $120.00 on the spot from everyone (I guess to cover the cost of the entertainment and food) and criticizes me to my face that I should have been prepared for this and I had no excuse (even though I was a single mother and student at the time who was behind both in rent and car payments!).

As much as I hated to decline, for my friend's sake (the bride), I said I would have a hard time getting a sitter on such short notice. Fast forward again to the wedding.... The wedding itself (beautiful by the way) was in the bride's new hometown, so everyone had to fly out to get there (what a fiasco that was!!!). Most of the time before the actual ceremony was a fiasco, and on top of it I had to (along with other unfortunate souls) deal with the "old spinster bridesmaid from hell" saying things from how terrible and irresponsible it is to be a single mother (to my face, in front of other people), to how come one of the bridesmaids flew in the day of the wedding instead of the day before like everyone else (mind you, she was taking classes for her masters degree, and had to finish a mandatory lecture that Friday night and was on the first flight out Saturday morning for the wedding) and she even went so far as to say "what kind of friend is she to not sacrifice"....   Ebms1002-01

I got married back in April 1998, I had 4 bridesmaids and a maid of honor, One of my bridesmaids was my 18 year old sister-in-law to be. She refused to work with the other girls to plan the shower, she even stiffed my maid of honor with her portion of the gift and food. She asked her sister (my other bridesmaid) to pay for her dress, claiming she didn't have any money and then went out and bought new sneakers and jacket. Not a day went by for 4 months before the wedding that she didn't fight with either the other girls or my husband to be about how much she hated being a part of the wedding and how she couldn't stand either one of us.

Then to top it off the week before the shower she gets in a fight with her mother (my mother-in-law) and tells her that no one likes her or wants her at the shower and to keep her fat but home and hangs up on her. My mother-in-law then calls her family members who were invited and tells them the shower is off! Because of my bridesmaid from hell our shower was ruined, I was livid! my husband couldn't believe his sister was trying to ruin his wedding. So needless to say we made sure she was not at the shower, unfortunately his mother and some family did not attend. We left her home and did not have anything to do with her after that! She even talked about us behind our back at the reception and insulted a couple of my friends and family, not to mention her own family she insulted and hurt. I hope no one ever experiences something like what  went through.    Ebms1108-01

I lived miles and miles away from all my original bridesmaids and all but my maid of honor dropped out at the last minute, leaving me to scramble to fill spots so we would have an even number of attendants. My sister-in-law graciously filled a spot as did my brother (ok, he was a male, but at least he stood up on my side), leaving me with one more spot to fill. I had become close to a girl that I had taken several classes in college with...we'll call her...Nancy. So, after days of hemming and hawing I took it upon myself to ask her. She immediately said yes and was jumping around with joy....I took this as a good sign and gave her a swatch of material, gave her the dates, all the pertinent information, etc etc.

Three days before the wedding my sister-in-law planned a nice get together for me, my bridesmaids, a few single female friends, and my two out of town male guests that were staying with me. We went to a nice Italian best friend/MoH split a dinner, as did most others, as the portions were HUGE...but Nancy ordered her own plate, ate about 1/4 of it (she was really tiny) and then didn't even ask to take the rest home. My sister-in-law ended up paying for a dinner which got thrown in the trash, which Nancy didn't even say thanks for.

Next apartment...where we threw a couple pitchers of Fuzzy Navels together and talked until the wee hours...except Nancy...who got smashed and then proceeded to put the moves on my best friend from childhood (yes, a male) who unfortunately fell for it and started mooning about his new "girlfriend."

Flash forward to the wedding day. I take my bridal party out to a nice breakfast at a restaurant near the site of the wedding. Everything's going fine...till Nancy takes off in her car...she forgot something at home...45 minutes away. And all our dresses are in the back of her car. So. The wedding's at 3. It's 1:30 and she's still not back. I'm calling everywhere, frantic..."Have you heard from Nancy?" Nothing. Finally at 1:45 she walks in. "Oops! I forgot they were in there!" We rush to the chapel, throw on our clothes in the heat, and sweat to death. The ceremony, at least, goes without too many hitches. We take some after ceremony pictures, and the reception starts....Nancy promptly has too much to drink and proceeds to get a raging headache. Two hours into the reception...when the photographer wants to take a few more pictures....Nancy is nowhere to be found. Upon asking..."Oh, she and that guy she invited (NOT on the guest list) went off somewhere...I think they went back to the hotel?"

Needless to say...Nancy...who was supposed to drive my car back to the hotel, along with the rest of my bridesmaids, and help pack up gifts (all things she PROMISED she would do since she was the only one who knew where she was going) ...did not show up for the remainder of the wedding. To top it all off, we never did get a gift from her, my best friend ended up paying for HER hotel room, and when I tried calling her to find out what happened, her parents told me she wasn't available...I tried calling her several times after that, and got "This number has been disconnected." I haven't talked to her since...and its been 4 years. Some friend.  ebms1202-01

Hi, I'll try to keep this short but you will probably have to cut it way down. There were a lot of little things my MOH (and her relatives) did that added up to a truly horrible experience. I was a first time bride at the advanced age of 38 and had no relatives who could be in the wedding and had only attended one wedding in my whole life and had no idea who did or paid for what. I was paying for the wedding by myself (on a minimum wage) so it was very small. My husband-to-be's 13 year-old daughter (Mary) was the maid of honor meaning I needed an adult to sign the license. I asked the woman who had introduced us (Sarah) to be the matron of honor and she accepted. Her spoiled brat of a sister (Sue) pouted and whined and moaned because she wanted to be in a wedding too. Sarah's mother finally asked me if we couldn't let Sue be in the wedding. Since I didn't know any better, I was paying for all the dresses, shoes, jewelry and hairdressing for my two attendants and adding a 3rd was really going to hurt. I agreed in the end just so I could keep Sarah. As it turned out, I may have been better with someone else. I wanted white lace and the girls in something blue. I told Sarah that if she found a dress she liked, she could get it since we had no particular style or color yet. We spent weeks looking for a dress for me, Sarah, and the two girls. I finally found exactly what I wanted and cute dresses for the girls. We also found a dress that was made out of a lace similar to the pattern of my dress but a blue color like the girls dresses. I happily bought this for Sarah and we were all set. Mary and I spent the night before the wedding at Sarah's apartment as I was living with Mike at the time but wanted to do the old "can't see the bride before the wedding" thing. What a mistake! Sarah went shopping for something or other and I decided to take a bath. The two girls were down 2 fights of stairs in the basement playing video games. Suddenly, Sarah's boyfriend (who I slightly knew and only barely tolerated) is knocking on the bathroom door offering to wash my back. I politely told him no but he kept trying the handle. It became apparent that he had been drinking heavily as he started to try and get me to let him come in so he could have sex with me. THE NIGHT BEFORE MY WEDDING!!!! I wasn't sure how sturdy the latch was on the bathroom door so I opened the laundry chute door in the bathroom and called for Mary to come up for a minute. When she got up the stairs, there was no one in the hall and I made her stay with me while I dried off and put on nightie and robe. I was supposed to sleep upstairs in Sue's bedroom and the girls were going to bunk in the basement, but I was afraid the boyfriend would try something in the middle of the night so I told Sarah that Sue's bed was too hard and I would sleep on the other couch in the basement with Mary. This was bad enough but not really Sarah's fault (except for having such a sleazy boyfriend). What was bad was the next day when I was trying to get dressed. We came back from the hairdresser's and proceeded to do our makeup, etc. Sarah pulls this dress out of her closet and puts it on the bed. I asked her what she had that dress out for and she said it was her MOH dress. It was no longer lace and was a very different shade of blue from the girl's dresses. It would not match any of us. I asked her what had happened to the dress we had picked out together, the one I had paid for. She said she decided it made her butt look big and since I had told her she could have any dress she wanted, she took it back and got this one. How I refrained from pointing that I had said that before we had my dress or the girls' I don't know. It was way too late to do anything anyway since I had to be at the church in 2 hours. I struggled into my petticoats alone as Sarah was helping Sue (11 years-old) get dressed. I had to call her in though to help get the dress over my hair and makeup without messing either. She reluctantly came in to assist. I was wearing my hair long and loose with just a wreath of flowers because I couldn't really afford a headpiece and veil but I still thought it was beautiful. I got my hair caught in the zipper at the back of my dress and was stuck with my head in a weird position. I looked around for Sarah to help me get it untangled but she was gone again! I couldn't go downstairs as I couldn't see the stairs with my head stuck the way it was. Calling produced no answer. I went to the window to see if she was on the porch. Sure enough, she was downstairs taking pictures of Sue. I have lots of pictures of Sue getting ready on my wedding day but only 3 of me or Mary. I finally got her attention and she came up to untangle me. In the limo ride to the wedding, Sarah drank both bottles of champagne except for one glass and then insisted that we stop on the way for more. There's more but this is too long already.   ebms 1219-01

My own wedding story is a both a comedy and a tragedy. My husband was helpful in every area but one....dealing with his sister. His sister, whom I shall refer to as "Jane," was upset about the fact that I was "stealing" her brother. She proceeded to cry every time the wedding was mentioned and refused to be a bridesmaid (although I was informed that I should not find an alternate). Jane proceeded to insult my dress, the bridesmaid dresses, and the shoes. In fact, the shoe style (quite mysteriously) was changed and I believe she was behind it! She showed up at a shower with a friend and proceeded to pretend I was not there. Jane cried at my wedding like it was a funeral, never once speaking to me (even though she was now one of the bridesmaids). Jane even had the gall to tell me how rude I was for not speaking to her that day! Unfortunately, this was not my only bridal mishap. If I listed them all, it would take all day! All that mattered on that day was that I was married to the man I loved. ebms1231-01