TACKY
TOASTS
Jan-Jun 2000
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I love your site, it helps me think what NOT to
do at my wedding this fall. At my step-brothers wedding last summer, his
father stood up and gave a long, rambling, mostly incoherent speech about
how it was a real miracle that he was at this son's wedding, since his
wife had miscarried a few months before this son was conceived, and they
thought they would never be able to have another child, but truly this boy
was a miracle baby. He went into detail about the miscarriage and
heartbreak of it for his wife, which is definitely a story that totally
HAD to be shared with 250 friends and family. The look of shock and horror
on his ex-wife's face was something to behold. Needless to say, he will
not be invited to my wedding. Toast0203-03
My cousin recently attended a wedding where,
during the reception, the maid-of-honor stood up to toast the bride and
groom and instead recited a copy of a poem the bride had written to the
groom entitled, "The Best Blow Job You ever Had". Somehow this
little witch had gotten a hold of this poem. My cousin said it was a
really filthy ode to a certain portion of the groom's anatomy and everyone
was so embarrassed and afterwards, the bride stood up, apologized to her
guests and told them in no uncertain terms that that poem was not meant to
have been read in public. What confuses me is why the bride would have
made it known to her friends that such a poem existed. The only good thing
about this story is that the priest was unable to make it to the
reception, otherwise he would have heard the whole thing. Egad!!!!!
Toast0113-03
I recently attended the wedding of two very dear
friends, one is a long-term ex-boyfriend with whom I am very close and his
lovely fiancée is a friend of mind from college. They both have
"crazy" mothers who were obviously flustered the day of the
ceremony, although they did a great job of putting on the wedding and
entertaining the guests at the reception. And then came the toasts. . .
there were quite a few; short, sweet, and to the point. Then the Mother of
the Groom stood up for hers. She gave the usual congratulations and then
said to her son, "You come from a long line of unbroken marriages
(i.e.: no divorces), so don't break the trend." Everyone was silent
and uncomfortable. As if her statement wasn't inconsiderate enough by
itself, the Mother of the Bride was a divorcee herself, in attendance with
her second husband. On a recent trip with the groom, I casually brought up
how crazy their mothers had been (expecting some kind of apology). He
simply said, "yeah, *HER* mother was pretty wacky,
huh?!" toast0205-03
David and I got married last October. It was the
second marriage for both of us. David has children with his first wife,
and therefore we are all on "friendly" terms with one another.
She has remarried as well. David asked his brother, Lance, who I had never
met (since we live in Alaska, and he lives in Ohio) to be his best man. We
also invited David's ex-wife and her spouse. I know that's not something
people normally do, but really, there are no hard feelings anymore, and
David's two children were in our wedding party, so it was helpful that his
ex-wife, Miranda, could bring them all dressed up and ready to go. David's
brother had known Miranda for 10 years before she and David got divorced,
and they were very good friends. So, the ceremony is perfect, not a dry
eye in the house, and the reception started immediately afterwards. Lance
was busy playing with David's children, and visiting with people and
sipping quite a bit of champagne when my MOH asked him to say a toast,
since he was the best man. Well, he pours some more champagne, holds it up
and says "I just want to wish David and MIRANDA years of happiness
together." I laughed champagne out my nose, David turned beet red,
and I thought Miranda was going to have to have CPR! While David and I and
almost all of our guests thought it was hysterically funny, Lance and
Miranda are STILL apologizing for it! Toast0211-03
At a wedding I attended years ago (which was none
too classy itself, but that’s another story) the bride’s father stood
up to make a toast. "Well B, this isn’t what I would have wanted
for you, but I guess it’s too late now." The room was silent as he
sat down. We’ve always hoped that he was drunk or that she thought he
was drunk, but she seems to have forgiven him (or has blotted out the
entire incident). By the way, she’s still married to the same guy and is
still deeply in love with him.
I think back on the wedding of a family friend,
and the toast that never ended… A beautiful wedding. Not a cloud in the
sky. Everything went off without a hitch. The reception was an extremely
large, formal affair. The couple couldn't have been happier. The best man
stood up to give his toast…and proceeded to drone on about how he and
the groom used to "pick up chicks" at the amusement park they
had worked at as teenagers - almost fifteen years ago. His (obviously
unplanned, unrehearsed) speech went on in this vein for over ten minutes,
until the groom patted him on the arm and nervously said "that's
enough now, thanks so much." The best man proceeded to turn to the
groom and said "You've had your time, it's my turn now" and
continue for another five minutes! The guests were appalled. No one ever
forgot it either!
Toast0213-03
My brother-in-law finally decided to get married.
His wife to be was a very large girl who decided to lose weight. In six
months she had lost an amazing amount of weight. At the reception her
Father proposed a toast to "Jenny Craig". Nothing
else...everyone was mortified! Toast0313-03
A couple of years ago, I attended my cousins
wedding. She was marrying an old friend of mine, we all used to hang out
in the same "gang". As the bride and groom was young at the
time, and nor her parents (my aunt and uncle) or his parents had any money
to give to the couple, they'd only invited the closest family but excluded
the friends. The only reason I was there, was that I would drive my old
grandmother to, and from, the wedding and the reception. A night before
the ceremony, I met up with a couple of old friends -- the
"gang" -- to write a speech for the groom. We succeeded, the
speech gathered applause and laughs, but now I regret not writing the
speech for my cousin instead. The groom’s best man also held a speech,
but neither of the bridesmaids (one of them being my cousins closest
friend since kindergarten) held a speech to honor the bride, and the
father of the bride didn't even toast to his daughters honor (which is
comme il faut for weddings in Sweden). I could see that she was really sad
about it. Now, planning my own wedding, my biggest fear is that no-one
will hold a speech for me. I wouldn't want to be as sad as my cousin at
her wedding day. I would actually prefer a really bad, dirty speech than
no speech at all. Toast0328-03
Only years later, after having attended a few
other weddings as an adult, did I realize that I was (by default) the Best
Man at my mother's third wedding, which happened when I was still in high
school. That is, I don't recall being asked to be BM, but I was the only
attendant standing next to the groom. More to the point, at the reception,
I was asked to give the toast, for which I was quite unprepared.
Scrambling to think of anything which might be appropriate, I seized upon
Flash Thompson's toast at the wedding of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson
in an issue of Spider-Man, and adapted it for their names: "To 'Jim'
and 'Alice', may Lady Luck be kind; and may they never be chafed by the
ties that bind." I recall this getting somewhat of a lukewarm
reception, but I was just relieved to no longer be on the spot. To this
day, I don't think my mother knows that my toast came from a comic
book. Toast0401-03
At good friends' wedding in the fancy hall at
historic Greenfield Village, Michigan, another good friend made the Best
Man's speech. The gimmick was to have 'Penny', the bride, put her hands
out palms up in front of her. 'Skyler', the groom, was then instructed to
put his hands, palms down over the top of hers. The Best Man then was
supposed to say, "Enjoy this Skyler! It will probably be the last
time you have the upper hand." Cute, right! Instead... in nervous
confusion the Best Man spoke the following "Enjoy this Skyler! It
might be the last time you're on top of her!" The hush over the crowd
was broken by the Best Man's wife shouting "Upper Hand, Chris, Upper
Hand! You dumb ass!" from her table at the back of the room.
Toast0515-03
At the reception, the best man stood up to read
the telegrams that were sent in. Anyhow, the one that everyone is still
talking about is when the best man read a telegram from table 9, which
happened to be where my fiancé, his mates and the priest was seated. It
stated ," May your wedding night be like a barrel of KFC, a little
breast ,a bit of thigh and when your finished, nothing but a greasy
box". The bride was shocked, the groom speechless, the parents of
both parties mortified and everyone at table 9 in hysterics including the
priest. I give big thanks to the best man for reading ahead and for table
9. Toast0521-03
At a wedding, everyone knows
full well what the newly wedded couple will be doing on the wedding night
and honeymoon but it is the height of impropriety to mention it, joke
about it and degrade it publicly. If you can't resist saying
something, at least do it discretely to the bride or groom.
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