TACKY
TOASTS
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This summer, I attended a destination wedding on a beautiful
island. One of the bridesmaids, Jenny, had a very close but turbulent
relationship with the bride, Liza. Jenny and Liza were known to be very
competitive with each, and would often fight like cats and dogs. In fact,
a few months before the wedding, they had a knock-down, drag-out fight and
ended up in counseling together! At the reception, Jenny got up to toast
the happy couple, but used the opportunity to make an announcement about
herself. "I have to tell you all that I'm pregnant. So if I get
emotional, that's why!" That's one way to steal the spotlight from
the bride.
Toasts1004-04
About a year ago I was at my friend Dawn's wedding to
Ben. The best man, Bubba, got up to toast the new couple. The toast went
something along the lines of, "Life is a bitch. You never know where
you are going to be. You never know what the future will bring. You might
be happy, or you might be divorced in a year." He rambled on for a
few more minutes. The toast didn't even mention Dawn and Ben, or their
marriage. He didn't even wish them well. Needless to say, all the guests
sat there uncomfortably, in total silence, until the groom's father
stepped in and said a few nice words. However, I doubt any of the guests
even remember the nice toast after the stunt Bubba pulled.
It turns out that Bubba was right though...Dawn and Ben
were divorced in a year. Bad karma perhaps?
Toasts1117-04
Several years ago, my husband "David" and
I attended a friend's wedding. "Brandon", the groom, was, at the
time, an Army Ranger. His brother, "Dylan", was the best man,
and an Army pal, "Steve" was a groomsman. Dylan's then-GF, now
ex-wife, "Brenda", was a bridesmaid. (There were a few other
attendants, but they don't come into it.) The ceremony was absolutely
lovely. Then the bridal party left the church and spent the two-three
hours before the ceremony riding around in the limo drinking champagne,
and, I think, some hard liquor. By the time they arrived, everyone was in
various stages of inebriation.
When everyone was seated, the attendants assembled to
toast the B&G. Dylan made a short, maudlin, but heartfelt speech, then
turned the mike over to
Steve. Steve, who was either the most loaded or
the least able to hold his liquor out of all of them, started a rambling
speech about how he and Brandon had met in Basic. Somehow he veered off
into a rant about the sacrifices service people made (this was pre-9/11,
but even now, his attitude would not have been well received). He got
stuck on this subject, and I could see "Kelly", the bride, drop
her smile, whisper something to Brandon, then bravely paste her smile back
on. David and I were at the same table with Brenda's dad, who is ex-Army.
He wasn't in my eye line, but David could see him clearly, and noticed him
grow increasingly more agitated. By the time Steve got to saying, "So
when you punks are warm in your beds on a Sunday morning you just think
about us freezing our asses off in a tent in the Persian Gulf (people
freeze in the Persian Gulf?) and you wouldn't be there without us...", Brenda's dad had half-risen, pushing
back his chair and scowling. Dylan, seeing this, reclaimed the mike and
said something, I forget what, but it was enough to get Brenda's dad back
in his seat.
Dylan then passed the mike to the other
groomsman (Kelly's brother), who began telling Brandon what a fine choice
he'd made. There was an audible exhalation around the room. As I mentioned
before, Dylan and Brenda are now divorced. Brandon and Kelly are still
together, but he's now a cop. First in his class at the police academy, I
might add! I don't know what happened to Steve. Oh, and I fumbled the
bouquet. Brenda officially caught it, but I was still the next bride!
Toasts1212-04
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