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Thank
you Notes from Hell
Jan-Jun 2000
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Jan-Jul 2003 Archive
Last June I dutifully attended a shower for
a daughter of a friend of my DH’s family. My SIL and I attended and met
up with our MIL and our DH’s sister. The shower was rather large and was
held at a hotel. The bride seemed surprised and received at least 60
gifts. I purchased two 4-pc placesettings for her everyday china. Come
August, the wedding arrives and we attend. First of all the ceremony is in
one state and the reception in another about 1 1/2 hours drive away from
the ceremony site. So there is about 3 hours or so between the ceremony
and reception. I never appreciate that kind of thing but maybe there isn’t
anything wrong with it. Anyway, we attend the reception, which was fine.
The placecards are little picture frames that you can use later. I put a
photo in mine and never paid much attention to the placecard inside.
Fall rolls around, and then winter, spring
and summer once again. No thank you note for the shower or the wedding. I
am a huge stickler for timely thank you's. Never got one. My SIL noticed
when she reused the picture frame/placecard holder that on the back of the
card it said something to the effect of "thank you for sharing our
special day". Ok, that is really not good enough as a thank you note
but even if you thought you could get away with that, what about the
shower? How can people be so tacky as to invite 60 guests to a shower and
hundreds to a wedding and not bother with thank you notes? Wait until she
has a baby...I doubt I will be attending or sending a gift.
Thank You 0804/03
I just love your website and I surf through
it often to remind myself that all the wedding craziness I'm going through
now (my wedding is in nine days) is nothing compared to what other people
have gone through. Anyway, here is my story for the tacky thank you notes
section (with names changed for obvious reasons!):
While I was in high school I was good
friends with a guy I'll call David. David and I spent a lot of time
together, so much so in fact that many people thought he was my boyfriend.
(This is despite the fact that I had been dating another guy since my
sophomore year of high school.) After graduation we kept in touch but we
were never as close afterwards as we were in high school.
One summer a few years after graduation, we
met for dinner and he started telling me about this girl he had met in one
of his classes at the local community college. I got "the vibe"
and I just KNEW this was the girl he would end up marrying. Bear in mind I
had never seen her, met her, or heard about her prior to this dinner date.
Anyway, sure enough, about a year later he e-mails me to tell me that he's
proposed and that the wedding would take place the following summer (in
June 2000).
In due time I received an invitation and I
responded that I would be coming. I also did something that I know you're
not supposed to do, but I did it anyway: I e-mailed David and said by the
way, I've been dating this guy "Michael" for a while now and I
was wondering if I could bring him along so David and Michael could meet.
David responded that I was welcome to do so, and "Michael" came
with me to the wedding. (BTW, Michael is the guy I'm marrying in nine days
so it all worked out that I brought this random guy to a friend's
wedding.)
Now, at the time of the wedding I had just
finished my first year of law school. Like most law students, I was very
cash poor and could only afford a nice set of mixing bowls from their
registry with a local retailer. I wrapped it up and toted it along to the
ceremony and reception and duly left it with the other gifts. (There was
no gift table so we actually created a de facto gift pile by the door.)
A few months after the wedding, David and I
met for lunch at a local restaurant. He mentioned during the meal that he
and his wife were working on the thank you notes, thus implying that they
knew I had given them a gift and had not yet sent me a note. No problem, I
know you two are busy and will get to them when you can. Christmas 2000
went by, first wedding anniversary went by, Christmas 2001 went by, etc.
We had fallen out of touch after the lunch I just described and so I was
surprised to hear from him in early 2003. By this time Michael had
proposed and I was busily planning my own wedding, including registering
for gifts with the same retailer that David had registered with. Anyway,
David and I were sending e-mail messages back and forth for a few days. In
something like the third or fourth e-mail to him, I asked him if by any
chance he had received the set of mixing bowls I had given him for his
wedding, since it had been three years since the wedding and I wasn't sure
if he had ever received them. To this day, he has never acknowledged that
e-mail or sent the thank you note! Now, I don't mean to sound petty about
a set of $30 mixing bowls, but that is a lot of money to a starving law
student and it would have been the decent thing to at least acknowledge
it.
And no, he and his wife were not invited to
my wedding.
Thank You 0821/03
I recently received a thank you post card
from my best friend after attending her wedding 5 months ago. The post
card was to me and my boyfriend, and the writing was tiny, as it had to
fit on a less than 2 inch by 2-inch space of the postcard. She thanked me
for the check I sent, and had previously told me that the check was
"one of the biggest we received" (is that tacky- to rank my gift
to my face?). In a P.S. she wrote that I was the best friend ever. Well, I
(did a hell of a lot more than write a check- things that took a lot more
time and energy, not to mention money, which she never mentioned in her
microscopic thank you card. Let me list:
1) Arranged and helped pay for her
engagement party
2) Arranged her bachelorette party
3) Had 5 out of town guests stay in my
apartment (which my boyfriend really didn't appreciate- needless to say he
was never thanked)
4) Helped pay for some of her flowers
5) Threw a party the night the out of town
guests arrived (about 3 days before the wedding, so I had 5 guests for 4
days, and a post-party apartment)
6) In addition to my check, gave her a pair
of socks I crocheted myself
7) Introduced her to the boutique she
bought her dress from
8) Assembled her handmade invitations with
her
Not a single mention of the efforts I gave
in her little thank you. I feel like I've been slapped in the face.
Thank You 0910/03
I got married to my long-time fiancé early
in 2003. The wedding was absolutely perfect - nothing happened to spoil it
at all. We had several guests from the next city over, about 8 - 9 hours
drive from ours. We were thrilled that they had made the effort to come,
and my husband thanked them in his speech. One particular couple - we'll
call them Alice and Bill - were very low on funds, so we were especially
thankful they could make the trip over. They contributed to a lovely gift,
and we sent them a handwritten thank-you note shortly after. So far, so
good.
Next month, we find out that they're going
to be married. It's a last-moment thing, because Alice is from another
country and her visa is about to expire. They invite us to the wedding,
and ask us if we'll write testimonials for the Immigration Department so
Alice will be able to stay (which we're obviously happy to do). On my
birthday, I get an e-mail from Bill. How nice, I think, birthday wishes.
But no - it's a short note with further instructions on the immigration
thing. Oh well, I think, he's got other things on his mind.
So husband and I get time off work, hire a
car (because our old banger won't make the trip) and drive the 8 - 9 hours
to the next town. Bill has told us not to bring a gift, but we do anyway -
something not too expensive, but nice. The morning of the wedding, my
husband and I head off - me to the bride, him to the groom - to help them
get ready. Alice, as I said, is from another country, so she doesn't have
any friends over here, and I'm happy to help her out. As it turns out, I
don't have to do much except cheer her up - it seems the groom-to-be had a
bit too much to drink the night before and committed some act so heinous
she won't even tell me what it is. She's still going ahead with it, so
everything's okay. When we get to the registry office, Bill and Alice take
me and hubby aside and ask us if we'll stand up for them - they need
witnesses and someone to hold the rings, flowers etc. Again, we're happy
to do so. The ceremony is fine, the reception is fine. We leave the next
day and drive home.
Not a word of thankyou for standing up, not
a word of thankyou for driving over to the wedding, the only thanks for
the gift was an aside in an e-mail sent a group we're all members of - not
even a personal e-mail thanks. No thanks for the testimonials, either. It
was Alice's birthday last week. We sent her a small gift and card. I
hadn't heard from her, so I sent her an SMS to make sure she received the
gift in the mail. I still haven't heard anything. Thank You 0911/03
In general, a printed out "thank
you" note is a faux pas. A thank you note should be handwritten,
acknowledging what you have received. And it should be after you receive
the gift. The bride and groom decided to hand deliver to each person
attending the reception, BEFORE THE FOOD was served at the reception,
along with the Jordan almonds in netting, a pre-printed thank you, stating
"thank you for attending our wedding and the thought gift ..."
Thank You 0916/03
I enjoy your site immensely, but I never
thought I would have a story to submit. Silly me. This has been eating
away at me and hopefully a trip to E-hell will make me feel better....
Last year a friend of mine got married. We
were very close throughout high school, but went separate ways after
graduation three years ago. We maintained the friendship through email and
occasional phone calls.
When I heard that she had met someone I was
very happy for her, because she had not always had the greatest luck with
men. She abruptly cut off communication with me and our other friends. She
stopped responding to emails and wouldn't return phone calls. It's
understandable because we are all very busy and with her being in the glow
of a new relationship, I didn't mind too much.
She came around again just in time to
announce her engagement to this man. It was very exciting, as the first
wedding in the group of friends. Once the new engagement excitement wore
off, however, she disappeared from everyone's life again. The only
communication I received from her were instructions about the dresses (I
had agreed to be in the wedding, with no major trouble) or her numerous
pre-wedding parties. I went to two of her showers, one of which was over
three hours away from me. For the other shower, I bought her several small
presents from her registry, which, while not a great deal of money to
most, was fairly substantial for a college student.
No thank you note. No worries, I'm sure she
will come through. I continue with her wedding gift, which is a beautiful
cross-stitch picture of hearts and flowers, with their names and wedding
date. I worked diligently on this project, putting in as much time as
possible each day, which is somewhat tiring considering I was in college
putting in fifteen hours of classes and at least twenty hours of cafeteria
work, not to mention outside time for studying.
I had underestimated the size of the
project and wasn't finished by the wedding. I mentioned to her that I had
a gift that I was making for her that wasn't finished. She sweetly
expressed gratitude that I would go to the trouble of making something for
her. I assured her that as my friend, I was glad to do it. The wedding
goes off without a hitch, and several weeks later I finish the
cross-stitch. It was easily my best work ever and turned out just
beautifully. I had put in a total of five months on this gift, was
extremely proud of it, and couldn't wait to give it to my friend. Of
course, after the wedding I couldn't reach her. I couldn't get her on the
phone or email, I didn't want to send it in the mail as I was afraid of
damage, and her house was far enough away that I couldn't just "drop
by." It was another three months before I found her and presented the
gift. She seemed very happy with it and thanked me profusely.
It has now been six months since I gave it
to her, and not only have I not received a thank you note for either my
shower or wedding gift, but my friend still blows off phone calls and
never makes any attempt to get with me or anyone else. I'm mostly sad
about the apparent loss of a dear friend, but I also wish that I had just
bought something off her stupid registry and saved the beautiful personal
gift for someone who would appreciate it. I'm sure I'll hear from her
eventually, probably when she gets pregnant and wants attention again.
Oh, I did receive an email from her a week
or so ago. It was one of those chain letters from several years ago that
claims a mega-corporation will pay you for each person you forward the
letter to. She can't take the time to write a personal email or call but
she has the time to try to make money off my email address. Classy.
Thank You 0929/03
My best friend from middle school and high
school got married a few years ago. I could not attend her wedding because
it was 8 hours away and the same weekend I was moving out of my parents’
house into my first apartment. I sent her a check for 200 bucks and my mom
sent her a check for 200 as well (even though she wasn't even invited).
Well, the checks were cashed and neither my mother nor I ever received a
thank you. I also never heard from this girl again. How rude, and a big
fat waste of 400 bucks.
P.S. - Despite suggestion from people, my
parents have lived at the same address for 25 years. Nothing was stopping
this girl from sending thank you's to my mom's house...
Thank You 1102/03
This is not so much of a story, but more of
a request: I'd like to request to all brides reading this that when you
have a shower, fill out your own Thank You card envelopes. I have been to
more showers (bridal and baby) than I can count where the bride/host left
envelopes and pens on the tables for her guests to fill out their own
addresses. This is tacky and lazy. And don't try to make it look like
you're using it for a prize drawing, we all know what our own handwriting
looks like when we finally get the TY's in the mail!
Thank You 1126/03
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