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I.--FIRST STEPS IN COURTSHIP.
It would be out of place in these pages to grapple with a subject so
large as that of Love in its varied phases: a theme that must be left
to poets, novelists, and moralists to dilate upon. It is sufficient
for our purpose to recognize the existence of this the most
universal--the most powerful--of human passions, when venturing to
offer our counsel and guidance to those of both sexes who, under its
promptings, have resolved to become votaries of Hymen, but who, from
imperfect knowledge of conventional usages, are naturally apprehensive
that at every step they take, they may render themselves liable to
misconception, ridicule, or censure.
We will take it for granted, then, that a gentleman has in one way
or another become fascinated by a fair lady--possibly a recent
acquaintance--whom he is most anxious to know more particularly. His
heart already feels "the inly touch of love," and his most ardent wish
is to have that love returned.
At this point we venture to give him a word of serious advice. We urge
him, before he ventures to take any step towards the pursuit of this
object, to consider well his position and prospects in life, and
reflect whether they are such as to justify him in deliberately
seeking to win the young lady's affections, with the view of making
her his wife at no distant period. Should he after such a review of
his affairs feel satisfied that he can proceed honourably, he may then
use fair opportunities to ascertain the estimation in which the
young lady, as well as her family, is held by friends. It is perhaps
needless to add, that all possible delicacy and caution must be
observed in making such inquiries, so as to avoid compromising the
lady herself in the slightest degree. When he has satisfied himself on
this head, and found no insurmountable impediment in his way, his
next endeavour will be, through the mediation of a common friend, to
procure an introduction to the lady's family. Those who undertake such
an office incur no slight responsibility, and are, of course, expected
to be scrupulously careful in performing it, and to communicate all
they happen to know affecting the character and circumstances of the
individual they introduce.
We will now reverse the picture, and see how matters stand on the fair
one's side.
First let us hope that the inclination is mutual; at all events, that
the lady views her admirer with preference, that she deems him
not unworthy of her favourable regard, and that his attentions are
agreeable to her. It is true her heart may not yet be won: she has to
be wooed; and what fair daughter of Eve has not hailed with rapture
that brightest day in the springtide of her life? She has probably
first met the gentleman at a ball, or other festive occasion, where
the excitement of the scene has reflected on every object around a
roseate tint. We are to suppose, of course, that in looks, manner,
and address, her incipient admirer is not below her ideal standard
in gentlemanly attributes. His respectful approaches to her--in
soliciting her hand as a partner in the dance, &c.--have first
awakened on her part a slight feeling of interest towards him. This
mutual feeling of interest, once established, soon "grows by what it
feeds on." The exaltation of the whole scene favours its development,
and it can hardly be wondered at if both parties leave judgment "out
in the cold" while enjoying each other's society, and possibly already
pleasantly occupied in building "castles in the air." Whatever may
eventually come of it, the fair one is conscious for the nonce of
being unusually happy. This emotion is not likely to be diminished
when she finds herself the object of general attention--accompanied,
it may be, by the display of a little envy among rival beauties--owing
to the assiduous homage of her admirer. At length, prudence whispers
that he is to her, as yet, but a comparative stranger; and with a
modest reserve she endeavours to retire from his observation, so
as not to seem to encourage his attentions. The gentleman's ardour,
however, is not to be thus checked; he again solicits her to be his
partner in a dance. She finds it hard, very hard, to refuse him; and
both, yielding at last to the alluring influences by which they
are surrounded, discover at the moment of parting that a new and
delightful sensation has been awakened in their hearts.
At a juncture so critical in the life of a young inexperienced woman
as that when she begins to form an attachment for one of the opposite
sex--at a moment when she needs the very best advice accompanied
with a considerate regard for her overwrought feelings--the very best
course she can take is to confide the secret of her heart to that
truest and most loving of friends--her mother. Fortunate is the
daughter who has not been deprived of that wisest and tenderest of
counsellors--whose experience of life, whose prudence and sagacity,
whose anxious care and appreciation of her child's sentiments, and
whose awakened recollections of her own trysting days, qualify and
entitle her above all other beings to counsel and comfort her trusting
child, and to claim her confidence. Let the timid girl then pour
forth into her mother's ear the flood of her pent-up feelings. Let her
endeavour to distrust her own judgment, and seek hope, guidance, and
support from one who, she well knows, will not deceive or mislead
her. The confidence thus established will be productive of the most
beneficial results--by securing the daughter's obedience to her
parent's advice, and her willing adoption of the observances
prescribed by etiquette, which, as the courtship progresses, that
parent will not fail to recommend as strictly essential in this phase
of life. Where a young woman has had the misfortune to be deprived
of her mother, she should at such a period endeavour to find her next
best counsellor in some female relative, or other trustworthy friend.
We are to suppose that favourable opportunities for meeting have
occurred, until, by-and-by, both the lady and her admirer have come to
regard each other with such warm feelings of inclination as to have
a constant craving for each other's society. Other eyes have in the
meantime not failed to notice the symptoms of a growing attachment;
and some "kind friends" have, no doubt, even set them down as already
engaged.
The admirer of the fair one is, indeed, so much enamoured as to be
unable longer to retain his secret within his own breast; and, not
being without hope that his attachment is reciprocated, resolves on
seeking an introduction to the lady's family preparatory to his making
a formal declaration of love.
It is possible, however, that the lover's endeavours to procure the
desired introduction may fail of success, although, where no material
difference of social position exists, this difficulty will be found
to occur less frequently than might at first be supposed. He must then
discreetly adopt measures to bring himself in some degree under the
fair one's notice: such, for instance, as attending the place of
worship which she frequents, meeting her, so often as to be manifestly
for the purpose, in the course of her promenades, &c. He will thus
soon be able to judge--even without speaking to the lady--whether his
further attentions will be distasteful to her. The signs of this on
the lady's part, though of the most trifling nature, and in no way
compromising her, will be unmistakeable; for, as the poet tells us in
speaking of the sex:--
"He gave them but one tongue to say us 'Nay,'
And two fond eyes to grant!"
Should her demeanour be decidedly discouraging, any perseverance on
his part would be ungentlemanly and highly indecorous. But, on the
other hand, should a timid blush intimate doubt, or a gentle smile
lurking in the half-dropped eye give pleasing challenge to further
parley when possible, he may venture to write--not to the lady--that
would be the opening of a clandestine correspondence, an unworthy
course where every act should be open and straightforward, as tending
to manly and honourable ends--but, to the father or guardian, through
the agency of a common friend where feasible; or, in some instances,
to the party at whose residence the lady may be staying. In his letter
he ought first to state his position in life and prospects, as well
as mention his family connections; and then to request permission to
visit the family, as a preliminary step to paying his addresses to the
object of his admiration.
By this course he in nowise compromises either himself or the lady;
but leaves open to both, at any future period, an opportunity of
retiring from the position of courtship taken up on the one side, and
of receiving addresses on the other, without laying either party open
to the accusation of fickleness or jilting.
II.--ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP.
In whatever way the attachment may have originated, whether resulting
from old association or from a recent acquaintanceship between the
lovers, we will assume that the courtship is so far in a favourable
train that the lady's admirer has succeeded in obtaining an
introduction to her family, and that he is about to be received in
their domestic circle on the footing of a welcome visitor, if not yet
in the light of a probationary suitor.
In the first case, matters will in all probability be found to amble
on so calmly, that the enamoured pair may seldom find it needful to
consult the rules of etiquette; but in the latter, its rules must be
attentively observed, or "the course of true love" will assuredly not
run smooth.
If the gentleman be a person of good breeding and right feeling, he
will need no caution from us to remember that, when he is admitted
into the heart of a family as the suitor of a daughter, he is
receiving one of the greatest possible favours that can be conferred
on him, whatever may be his own superiority of social rank or worldly
circumstances; and that, therefore, his conduct should be marked by a
delicate respect towards the parents of his lady-love. By this means
he will propitiate them in his favour, and induce them to regard him
as worthy of the trust they have placed in him.
Young people are naturally prone to seek the company of those they
love; and as their impulses are often at such times impatient of
control, etiquette prescribes cautionary rules for the purpose of
averting the mischief that unchecked intercourse and incautious
familiarity might give rise to. For instance, a couple known to be
attached to each other should never, unless when old acquaintances, be
left alone for any length of time, nor be allowed to meet in any other
place than the lady's home--particularly at balls, concerts, and other
public places--except in the presence of a third party. This, as a
general rule, should be carefully observed, although exceptions may
occasionally occur under special circumstances; but even then the
full consent of the lady's nearest relatives or guardians should be
previously obtained.
_What the Lady should observe during Courtship_.
A lady should be particular during the early days of courtship--while
still retaining some clearness of mental vision--to observe the manner
in which her suitor comports himself to other ladies. If he behave
with ease and courtesy, without freedom or the slightest approach to
licence in manner or conversation; if he never speak slightingly
of the sex, and be ever ready to honour its virtues and defend its
weakness; she may continue to incline towards him a willing ear. His
habits and his conduct must awaken her vigilant attention before it
be too late. Should he come to visit her at irregular hours; should
he exhibit a vague or wandering attention--give proofs of a want
of punctuality--show disrespect for age--sneer at things sacred, or
absent himself from regular attendance at divine service--or evince
an inclination to expensive pleasures beyond his means, or to low and
vulgar amusements; should he be foppish, eccentric, or very slovenly
in his dress; or display a frivolity of mind, and an absence of
well-directed energy in his worldly pursuits; let the young lady, we
say, while there is yet time, eschew that gentleman's acquaintance,
and allow it gently to drop. The effort, at whatever cost to her
feelings, must be made, if she have any regard for her future
happiness and self-respect. The proper course then to take is to
intimate her distaste, and the causes that have given rise to it, to
her parents or guardian, who will be pretty sure to sympathise with
her, and to take measures for facilitating the retirement of the
gentleman from his pretensions.
_What the Gentleman should observe during Courtship_.
It would be well also for the suitor, on his part, during the first
few weeks of courtship, carefully to observe the conduct of the young
lady in her own family, and the degree of estimation in which she
is held by them, as well as amongst her intimate friends. If she be
attentive to her duties; respectful and affectionate to her parents;
kind and forbearing to her brothers and sisters; not easily ruffled
in temper; if her mind be prone to cheerfulness and to hopeful
aspiration, instead of to the display of a morbid anxiety and dread
of coming evil; if her pleasures and enjoyments be those which
chiefly centre in home; if her words be characterised by benevolence,
goodwill, and charity: then we say, let him not hesitate, but hasten
to enshrine so precious a gem in the casket of his affections. But if,
on the other hand, he should find that he has been attracted by the
tricksome affectation and heartless allurements of a flirt, ready
to bestow smiles on all, but with a heart for none; if she who has
succeeded for a time in fascinating him be of uneven temper, easily
provoked, and slow to be appeased; fond of showy dress, and eager for
admiration; ecstatic about trifles, frivolous in her tastes, and weak
and wavering in performing her duties; if her religious observances
are merely the formality of lip service; if she be petulant to her
friends, pert and disrespectful to her parents, overbearing to her
inferiors; if pride, vanity, and affectation be her characteristics;
if she be inconstant in her friendships; gaudy and slovenly, rather
than neat and scrupulously clean, in attire and personal habits: then
we counsel the gentleman to retire as speedily but as politely
as possible from the pursuit of an object quite unworthy of his
admiration and love; nor dread that the lady's friends--who must know
her better than he can do--will call him to account for withdrawing
from the field.
But we will take it for granted that all goes on well; that the
parties are, on sufficient acquaintance, pleased with each other, and
that the gentleman is eager to prove the sincerity of his affectionate
regard by giving some substantial token of his love and homage to the
fair one. This brings us to the question of
_Presents_,
a point on which certain observances of etiquette must not be
disregarded. A lady, for instance, cannot with propriety accept
presents from a gentleman _previously_ to his having made proposals
of marriage. She would by so doing incur an obligation at once
embarrassing and unbecoming. Should, however, the gentleman insist
on making her a present--as of some trifling article of jewellery,
&c.,--there must be no secret about it. Let the young lady take an
early opportunity of saying to her admirer, in the presence of her
father or mother, "I am much obliged to you for that ring (or other
trinket, as the case may be) which you kindly offered me the other
day, and which I shall be most happy to accept, if my parents do not
object;" and let her say this in a manner which, while it increases
the obligation, will divest it altogether of impropriety, from having
been conferred under the sanction of her parents.
We have now reached that stage, in the progress of the courtship where
budding affection, having developed into mature growth, encourages the
lover to make
_The Proposal_.
When about to take this step, the suitor's first difficulty is how to
get a favourable opportunity; and next, having got the chance, how to
screw his courage up to give utterance to the "declaration." We have
heard of a young lover who carried on a courtship for four months ere
he could obtain a private interview with his lady-love. In the house,
as might be expected, they were never left alone; and in a walk a
third party always accompanied them. In such a dilemma, ought he
to have unburdened his heart of its secret through the medium of
a letter? We say not. A declaration in writing should certainly be
avoided where the lover can by any possibility get at the lady's ear.
But there are cases where this is so difficult that an impatient lover
cannot be restrained from adopting the agency of a _billet-doux_ in
declaring his passion.
The lady, before proposal, is generally prepared for it. It is seldom
that such an avowal comes without some previous indications of look
and manner on the part of the admirer, which can hardly fail of
being understood. She may not, indeed, consider herself engaged; and,
although nearly certain of the conquest she has made, may yet have her
misgivings. Some gentlemen dread to ask, lest they should be refused.
Many pause just at the point, and refrain from anything like ardour
in their professions of attachment until they feel confident that
they may be spared the mortification and ridicule that is supposed
to attach to being rejected, in addition to the pain of disappointed
hope. This hesitation when the mind is made up is wrong; but it does
often occur, and we suppose ever will do so, with persons of great
timidity of character. By it both parties are kept needlessly on the
fret, until the long-looked-for opportunity unexpectedly arrives, when
the flood-gates of feeling are loosened, and the full tide of
mutual affection gushes forth uncontrolled. It is, however, at this
moment--the agony-point to the embarrassed lover, who "doats yet
doubts"--whose suppressed feelings render him morbidly sensitive--that
a lady should be especially careful lest any show of either prudery
or coquetry on her part should lose to her for ever the object of her
choice. True love is generally delicate and timid, and may easily be
scared by affected indifference, through feelings of wounded pride.
A lover needs very little to assure him of the reciprocation of his
attachment: a glance, a single pressure of hand, a whispered syllable
on the part of the loved one, will suffice to confirm his hopes.
_Refusal by the Young Lady_.
When a lady rejects the proposal of a gentleman, her behaviour should
be characterised by the most delicate feeling towards one who, in
offering her his hand, has proved his desire to confer upon her, by
this implied preference for her above all other women, the greatest
honour it is in his power to offer. Therefore, if she have no love for
him, she ought at least to evince a tender regard for his feelings;
and, in the event of her being previously engaged, should at once
acquaint him with the fact. No right-minded man would desire to
persist in a suit when he well knew that the object of his admiration
has already disposed of her heart.
When a gentleman makes an offer of his hand by letter, the letter
must be answered, and certainly not returned, should the answer be a
refusal; unless, indeed, when, from a previous repulse, or some other
particular and special circumstances, such an offer may be regarded
by the lady or her relatives as presumptuous and intrusive. Under such
circumstances, the letter may be placed by the lady in the hands of
her parents or guardian, to be dealt with by them as they may deem
most advisable.
No woman of proper feeling would regard her rejection of an offer of
marriage from a worthy man as a matter of triumph: her feeling on such
an occasion should be one of regretful sympathy with him for the pain
she is unavoidably compelled to inflict. Nor should such, a rejection
be unaccompanied with some degree of self examination on her part, to
discern whether any lightness of demeanour or tendency to flirtation
may have given rise to a false hope of her favouring his suit. At all
events, no lady should ever treat the man who has so honoured her with
the slightest disrespect or frivolous disregard, nor ever unfeelingly
parade a more favoured suitor before one whom she has refused.
_Conduct of the Gentleman when his Addresses are rejected_.
The conduct of the gentleman under such distressing circumstances
should be characterised by extreme delicacy and a chivalrous resolve
to avoid occasioning any possible annoyance or uneasiness to the fair
author of his pain. If, however, he should have reason to suppose that
his rejection has resulted from mere indifference to his suit, he need
not altogether retire from the field, but may endeavour to kindle
a feeling of regard and sympathy for the patient endurance of his
disappointment, and for his continued but respectful endeavours to
please the lukewarm fair one. But in the case of avowed or evident
preference for another, it becomes imperative upon him, as a
gentleman, to withdraw at once, and so relieve the lady of any
obstacle that his presence or pretensions may occasion to the
furtherance of her obvious wishes. A pertinacious continuance of his
attentions, on the part of one who has been distinctly rejected, is an
insult deserving of the severest reprobation. Although the weakness of
her sex, which ought to be her protection, frequently prevents a woman
from forcibly breaking off an acquaintance thus annoyingly forced upon
her, she rarely fails to resent such impertinence by that sharpest of
woman's weapons, a keen-edged but courteous ridicule, which few men
can bear up against.
_Refusal by the Lady's Parents or Guardians_.
It may happen that both the lady and her suitor are willing; but that
the parents or guardians of the former, on being referred to, deem
the connection unfitting, and refuse their consent. In this state of
matters, the first thing a man of sense, proper feeling, and candour
should do, is to endeavour to learn the objections of the parents, to
see whether they cannot be removed. If they are based on his present
insufficiency of means, a lover of a persevering spirit may effect
much in removing apprehension on that score, by cheerfully submitting
to a reasonable time of probation, in the hope of amelioration in
his worldly circumstances. Happiness delayed will be none the less
precious when love has stood the test of constancy and the trial
of time. Should the objection be founded on inequality of social
position, the parties, if young, may wait until matured age shall
ripen their judgment and place the future more at their own disposal.
A clandestine marriage should be peremptorily declined. In too many
cases it is a fraud committed by an elder and more experienced party
upon one whose ignorance of the world's ways and whose confiding
tenderness appeal to him for protection even against himself. In
nearly all the instances we have known of such marriages, the results
proved the step to have been ill-judged, imprudent, and highly
injurious to the reputation of one party, and in the long run
detrimental to the happiness of both.
III--ETIQUETTE OF AN ENGAGEMENT.
We will now regard the pair of lovers as formally engaged, and bound
together in that state of approximation to marriage which was in the
ancient Christian Church, and indeed is still in many countries of
Europe, considered in a very sacred light, little inferior to, and, in
fact, regarded as a part of, marriage itself--the Betrothment.
_Conduct of the Engaged Couple_.
The conduct of the bridegroom-elect should be marked by a gallant and
affectionate assiduity towards his lady-love--a _devouement_ easily
felt and understood, but not so easy to define. That of the lady
towards him should manifest delicacy, tenderness, and confidence;
while looking for his thorough devotion to herself, she should not
captiously take offence and show airs at his showing the same kind of
attention to other ladies as she, in her turn, would not hesitate to
receive from the other sex.
In the behaviour of a gentleman towards his betrothed in public,
little difference should be perceptible from his demeanour to other
ladies, except in those minute attentions which none but those who
love can properly understand or appreciate.
In private, the slightest approach to indecorous familiarity must be
avoided; indeed, it is pretty certain to be resented by every woman
who deserves to be a bride. The lady's honour is now in her lover's
hands, and he should never forget in his demeanour to and before her
that that lady is to be his future wife.
It is the privilege of the betrothed lover, as it is also his duty, to
give advice to the fair one who now implicitly confides in him. Should
he detect a fault, should he observe failings which he would
wish removed or amended, let him avail himself of this season, so
favourable for the frank interchange of thought between the betrothed
pair, to urge their correction. He will find a ready listener; and
any judicious counsel offered to her by him will now be gratefully
received and remembered in after life. After marriage it may be too
late; for advice on trivial points of conduct may then not improbably
be resented by the wife as an unnecessary interference: now, the fair
and loving creature is disposed like pliant wax in his hands to mould
herself to his reasonable wishes in all things.
_Conduct of the Lady during her Betrothal_.
A lady is not expected to keep aloof from society on her engagement,
nor to debar herself from the customary attentions and courtesies of
her male acquaintances generally; but she should, while accepting them
cheerfully, maintain such a prudent reserve, as to intimate that they
are viewed by her as mere acts of ordinary courtesy and friendship. In
all places of public amusement--at balls, the opera, &c.--for a lady
to be seen with any other cavalier than her avowed lover in close
attendance upon her would expose her to the imputation of flirtation.
She will naturally take pains at such a period to observe the taste of
her lover in regard to her costume, and strive carefully to follow
it, for all men desire to have their taste and wishes on such apparent
trifles gratified. She should at the same time observe much delicacy
in regard to dress, and be careful to avoid any unseemly display of
her charms: lovers are naturally jealous of observation under such
circumstances. It is a mistake not seldom made by women, to suppose
their suitors will be pleased by the glowing admiration expressed
by other men for the object of _their_ passion. Most lovers, on
the contrary, we believe, would prefer to withdraw their prize
from general observation until the happy moment for their union has
arrived.
_Conduct of the Gentleman towards the Family of his Betrothed_.
The lover, having now secured his position, should use discretion and
tact in his intercourse with the lady's family, and take care that his
visits be not deemed too frequent--so as to be really inconvenient
to them. He should accommodate himself as much as possible to their
habits and ways, and be ever ready and attentive to consult their
wishes. Marked attention, and in most cases affectionate kindness,
to the lady's mother ought to be shown: such respectful homage will
secure for him many advantages in his present position. He must not,
however, presume to take his stand yet as a member of the family, nor
exhibit an obtrusive familiarity in manner and conversation. Should a disruption
of the engagement from some unexpected cause ensue, it
is obvious that any such premature assumption would lead to very
embarrassing results. In short, his conduct should be such as to win
for himself the esteem and affection of all the family, and dispose
them ever to welcome and desire his presence, rather than regard him
as an intruder.
_Conduct of the Lady on Retiring from her Engagement_.
Should this step unhappily be found necessary on the lady's part, the
truth should be spoken, and the reasons frankly given: there must be
no room left for the suspicion of its having originated in caprice or
injustice. The case should be so put that the gentleman himself must
see and acknowledge the justice of the painful decision arrived
at. Incompatible habits, ungentlemanly actions, anything tending
to diminish that respect for the lover which should be felt for the
husband; inconstancy, ill-governed temper--all which, not to mention
other obvious objections--are to be considered as sufficient reasons
for terminating an engagement. The communication should be made
as tenderly as possible: room may be left in mere venial cases for
reformation; but all that is done must be so managed that not the
slightest shadow of fickleness or want of faith may rest upon the
character of the lady. It must be remembered, however, that the
termination of an engagement by a lady has the privilege of passing
unchallenged,--a lady not being _bound_ to declare any other reason
than her will. Nevertheless she owes it to her own reputation that her
decision should rest on a sufficient foundation, and be unmistakably
pronounced.
_Conduct of the Gentleman on Retiring from his Engagement_.
We hardly know how to approach this portion of our subject. The
reasons must be strong indeed that can sufficiently justify a man,
placed in the position of an accepted suitor, in severing the ties
by which he has bound himself to a lady with the avowed intention of
making her his wife. His reasons for breaking off his engagement
must be such as will not merely satisfy his own conscience, but will
justify him in the eyes of the world. If the fault be on the lady's
side, great reserve and delicacy will be observed by any man of
honour. If, on the other hand, the imperative force of circumstances,
such as loss of fortune, or some other unexpected calamity to himself,
may be the cause, then must the reason be clearly and fully explained,
in such a manner as to soothe the painful feelings which such a result
must necessarily occasion to the lady and her friends. It is scarcely
necessary to point out the necessity for observing great caution in
all that relates to the antecedents of an engagement that has been
broken off; especially the return on either side of presents and of
all letters that have passed.
This last allusion brings us to the consideration of
_Correspondence_.
Letter-writing is one great test of ability and cultivation, as
respects both sexes. The imperfections of education may be to some
extent concealed or glossed over in conversation, but cannot fail to
stand out conspicuously in a letter. An ill-written letter infallibly
betrays the vulgarity and ignorance indicative of a mean social
position.
But there is something more to be guarded against than even
bad writing and worse spelling in a correspondence: _saying too
much_--writing that kind of matter which will not bear to be read by
other eyes than those for which it was originally intended. That this
is too frequently done is amply proved by the love letters often read
in a court of law, the most affecting passages from which occasion
"roars of laughter" and the derisive comments of merry-making counsel.
Occurrences of this kind prove how frequently letters are not returned
or burnt when an affair of the heart is broken off. Correspondence
between lovers should at all events be tempered with discretion; and,
on the lady's part particularly, her affectionate expressions should
not degenerate into a silly style of fondness.
It is as well to remark here, that in correspondence between a couple
not actually engaged, the use of Christian names in addressing each
other should be avoided.
_Demeanour of the Suitor during Courtship_.
The manners of a gentleman are ever characterized by urbanity and a
becoming consideration for the feelings and wishes of others, and by
a readiness to practise self-denial. But the very nature of courtship
requires the fullest exercise of these excellent qualities on his
part. The lover should carefully accommodate his tone and bearing,
whether cheerful or serious, to the mood for the time of his
lady-love, whose slightest wish must be his law. In his assiduities to
her he must allow of no stint; though hindered by time, distance, or
fatigue, he must strive to make his professional and social duties
bend to his homage at the shrine of love. All this can be done,
moreover, by a man of excellent sense with perfect propriety. Indeed,
the world will not only commend him for such devoted gallantry,
but will be pretty sure to censure him for any short-coming in his
performance of such devoirs.
It is, perhaps, needless to observe that at such a period a gentleman
should be scrupulously neat, without appearing particular, in his
attire. We shall not attempt to prescribe what he should wear, as that
must, of course, depend on the times of the day when his visits are
paid, and other circumstances, such as meeting a party of friends,
going to the theatre, &c., with the lady.
_Should a Courtship be Short or Long_?
The answer to this question must depend on the previous
acquaintanceship, connection, or relationship of the parties, as well
as on their present circumstances, and the position of their parents.
In case of relationship or old acquaintanceship subsisting between
the families, when the courtship, declaration, and engagement have
followed each other rapidly, a short wooing is preferable to a long
one, should other circumstances not create an obstacle. Indeed, as a
general rule, we are disposed strongly to recommend a short courtship.
A man is never well settled in the saddle of his fortunes until he be
married. He wants spring, purpose, and aim; and, above all, he wants
a _home_ as the centre of his efforts. Some portion of inconvenience,
therefore, may be risked to obtain this; in fact, it often occurs that
by waiting too long the freshness of life is worn off, and that the
generous glow of early feelings becomes tamed down to lukewarmness
by a too prudent delaying; while a slight sacrifice of ambition or
self-indulgence on the part of the gentleman, and a little descent
from pride of station on the lady's side, might have ensured years of
satisfied love and happy wedded life.
On the other hand, we would recommend a long courtship as advisable
when--the friends on both sides favouring the match--it happens
that the fortune of neither party will prudently allow an immediate
marriage. The gentleman, we will suppose, has his way to make in his
profession or business, and is desirous not to involve the object of
his affection in the distressing inconvenience, if not the misery,
of straitened means. He reflects that for a lady it is an actual
degradation, however love may ennoble the motive of her submission, to
descend from her former footing in society. He feels, therefore, that
this risk ought not to be incurred. For, although the noble and
loving spirit of a wife might enable her to bear up cheerfully against
misfortune, and by her endearments soothe the broken spirit of her
husband; yet the lover who would wilfully, at the outset of wedded
life, expose his devoted helpmate to the ordeal of poverty, would be
deservedly scouted as selfish and unworthy. These, then, are among the
circumstances which warrant a lengthened engagement, and it should be
the endeavour of the lady's friends to approve such cautious delay,
and do all they can to assist the lover in his efforts to abridge it.
The lady's father should regard the lover in the light of another son
added to his family, and spare no pains to promote his interests in
life, while the lady's mother should do everything in her power, by
those small attentions which a mother understands so well, to make the
protracted engagement agreeable to him, and as endurable as possible
to her daughter.