The Whole Thing from start to
finish is a disaster
Okay, I just found your site and HAD to submit this.
Recently, the live-in girlfriend of a good (male) friend of mine
asked me to be in her wedding. I was a little surprised, since we
aren't really friends, but figured it was because I was a friend of
the groom. It wasn't until I had already committed that I learned
the full, awful, details.
The wedding was held at a bowling alley. At the bar attached to
the bowling alley, specifically. The bride had wanted to wear a
slinky silk dress, but I talked her out of it, since she is five
feet tall and weighs almost 200 pounds. So instead she wore a
floor-length black velvet coat with a Cruella De-ville type collar.
My bridesmaid's ensemble consisted of a red polyester top, backless,
mid-riff baring, sleeveless - as little fabric as one could legally
get away with, I suspect. The top was trimmed with fringe, beading,
and sequins. There was a matching miniskirt that sat at hip level,
exposing even more flesh. Red platform shoes with sequins completed
the look. (The bride wanted me to wear fishnet stockings, but I had
to draw the line somewhere.)
Prior to the ceremony, the minister (a female friend of the
bride), walked around dressed up as the Pope, carrying a huge
martini glass full of vodka, which she was sprinking on guests and
saying 'Bless you my child', etc. My job as bridesmaid, during the
ceremony, was to lug a plastic jug of tequila up the aisle. The
other two bridesmaids carried limes and salt, respectively. The
ceremony consisted of the bride and groom each taking tequila shots
and saying "Let's do this." The ENTIRE ceremony.
Oh, and did I mention The bride and groom arrived 3 and half
hours late. There was no food and a cash bar. There was a cake, but
only enough for the bride, groom, and their attendants - we were
supposed to just eat in front of all the guests.
Several months later, another friend of ours had a fun, cute
wedding in Las Vegas. The bowling alley bride said indignantly
"She's just trying to have a better wedding than me!"
Sorry, hon, ANY wedding is better than yours.
Allison and Greg were a couple with whom I
attended college. I was very close to Allison and was extremely
excited to hear she was engaged. I was not so thrilled, however, to
learn that their wedding was to take place on the date of a huge
college basketball game that promised to be very exciting. (Keep in
mind that the previous year, this was the couple that did their fair
share of complaining because another friend had her wedding on a
basketball weekend; they swore up and down they would never do
Fast forward to the wedding. About 200 guests had been invited to
the wedding, probably 50% of whom were still in college and very
interested in attending that basketball game. Everyone showed up
anyway because we all liked the couple so much - BUT - this is the
kicker. During the reception, someone had brought along a radio, and
many of the guests were clustered around it, listening to the game
in another room and totally ignoring the bride and groom while all
the toasting, cake cutting, etc. was going on.
Furthermore, it turned out the wedding was outdoors - in
NOVEMBER. At night! It was 38 degrees! Few guests had dressed for
this sort of thing and most left their jackets on the entire time.
The bridesmaids had on sleeveless dresses as did the bride.
That's not the only thing...the groom and his friends had been
playing golf all day (i.e. drinking since 900 am) so every time an
usher walked down the aisle, a whiff of Jim Beam was smelled by all.
One of them was responsible for lighting the candles, and he ended
up knocking over a large calendebra.
So, here come the attendants and the ring bearers, etc. Lovely.
The musician is playing nice bridal music while they walk, when
suddenly I realize the bride is walking past me. There was no
"dunh dunh dunh" music announcing that we were supposed to
stand, the preacher didn't instruct everyone to stand - nothing!
I'm whispering, "Stand up! Stand up!" to everyone around
me, but we are so confused that by the time everyone realizes what
is going on she is at the front already!
Then to make matters worse, the preacher says, "We are here
to celebrate the union of Anne and Greg..." except that her
name is Allison. Oops.
Also for some strange reason, the ring bearers were allowed to
carry the actual rings, which of course were promptly dropped on the
grass by accident. The MOH had to spend a few minutes searching for
Finally, two guests were particulary obnoxious. One was the
cousin of the bride, who proceded to hit on every woman at the
reception, single or not, by coming up to them and sliding his arms
around their waists. (This guy was also wearing a dark suit with
white socks but that's another story). Also an older lady there,
wearing a black sequined dress no less, got so intoxicated that she
fell on the hardwood dance floor, shattering her champagne glass.
I felt really sorry for the bride and groom, both of whom are
lovely people, and the majority of the problems weren't their fault.
This is a story about a wedding I attended
about 2 1/2 years ago. The bride and groom were both in their early
twenties, both in college. They had been dating for about 3 months
before they got engaged, and only spent about 4 months after than
planning the wedding. Understandably, they were both young, strapped
for cash, and looking to cut corners wherever they could.
The wedding was held on a Saturday afternoon in late June. The
reception was held the Saturday BEFORE the wedding, and the shower
was the Saturday before that! Those of us who attended all
three gatherings pretty much gave this couple a month of our
weekends. The shower was a few hours long, held in a church.
They had 2 trays of finger sandwiches and one veggie plate for 75
guests. Many of us did not eat. No desert, punch or coffee. We
had tap water in styrofoam cups from the church kitchen.
The next Saturday, at the reception, there were crepe paper bells
hanging from the ceiling, and wooden tables set up with aluminum
folding chairs. No table clothes. We used the church's own paper
plates and plastic utensils to eat our spaghetti dinner. There was a
buffet table set up where we got our sticky spaghetti and cold
garlic bread. Then we went to our tables for the sauce. Each table
had a jar of spaghetti sauce on it, some opened, some not, and we
poured our sauce from the jar onto the spaghetti. They had a small
carvel ice cream cake for desert. The bride, groom, and their
families had cake, but there was not enough for the 100 guests.
After we ate, they opened all of the presents, including cards,
and read out loud the amount of each check they received, and who it
was from. Many people were embarrassed. There was no dancing, no
music, it felt like another tacky bridal shower.
The next Saturday was the ceremony. They were only having a maid
of honor and best man. No other attendants. The morning of the
wedding, the maid of honor was taken to the hospital with an asthma
attack. The bride asked me to step in because I was wearing a
similar style dress, and I wasn't too pretty to show her up on her
wedding day. I agreed only because she and my brother are the best
of friends. I walked down the aisle, stood in the receiving line,
and was preparing to go home with the rest of the guests (There was
nothing after the ceremony... Just a long ride home) But the Bride
said that as the maid of honor, I was expected to go to the
"Family Reception". I went. It was the most beautiful
reception I have ever seen. Ice sculptures, Swing band,
5-course meal, 4-tier wedding cake... All for 15 guests. If they had
cut costs all around, they could have afforded a very nice reception
for all of the 100 guests, and not just spaghetti and bottled sauce.
At the end of the reception where I felt very out of place since
I was only there because of the color of my dress, I was asked by
the bride's family where my gift was. I told them that I had bought
gifts for the shower, and also had brought one to the reception a
week earlier, and they said gifts were expected at the ceremony from
the attendants. I wasn't even supposed to be there. The bride's
mother then announced to everyone that the maid of honor had not
brought a gift, but it was okay because I wasn't really supposed to
be there. I was chose to stand in at the last minute because I was
the only guest who the bride thought would not upstage her in
beauty. It was at that moment that I thanked them for being invited
The wedding was in June. I finally recieved a thank-you note for
my two very extravagant gifts (Over $200 total) The thank you was
inside a Christmas card which I received closer to New Year's. It
said "Thanks for the gifts. They all got mixed up so we don't
know what was from who, but we assumed the Walmart dishtowels were
from you. We don't use them, but they're nice back-ups" Of all
the nerve! Needless to say, they're divorced now. That's what
happens when you go from first date to honeymoon in 7 months.
My tale of terror was my brothers first
His highschool sweetheart was a cute little blond. He succombed
to pressure to move in with her shortly after graduation, and they
lived together for about 2 months before she forced him to move out
as his living with her was incompatible with her "Christian
morality". It was, apparently still ok for them to sleep
together and date, they just couldn't live together. We should have
figured it out then, but didn't.
After a year of this, they decided to get married in the summer.
This was on 1 month notice. My mother was ok with this, as the
bridal shop was in the same town, and the church was local, and the
reception was to be in the local fire department's hall. She didn't
even put up a fuss over my brother footing the bills for the
wedding, Jan having only a mother and sister, both of whom were not
overly well off. The wedding cost about $12,000 for everything,
The problem came when it was time for the dresses. The shop had
us do the fittings with muslin slopers, pattern pieces that can give
better results for a fitting as you aren't working on the dress, you
are making a single, one-off pattern. The problems started when we
saw the dresses the day before I went to Washington for a symposium
that was a make-or-break matter for my degree. There were 4 of us, 1
MOH and 3 maids. The dress for the MOH was simply beautiful, a pale
green dress. No bow-on-the-butt, no funky flowery things anywhere on
the anatomy, a simple peplum floor length dress. The rest of us
fared worse. Mine was in pink. I am auburn with blue eyes and winter
coloring. Mary Kay pink makes me look like I have jaundice. Penny's
dress was pale grey-blue. She is black. Her beautiful skin and eyes
made the dress look washed out and wimpy. The third maid was the
most wonderful china doll, alabaster skin and golden hair. She was
dressed in lilac. Some blonds look good in lilac, she looked like
she had been dead for a week. Penny looks wonderful in Lilac, and I
look wonderful in blue-grey. Did I mention the color of her dress
matched my eyes perfectly? We all decided to put up with the dresses
as the dresses were beautifully made, fit perfectly and [snicker] I
turned mine into a dress pattern to make my graduation gown.
The biggest problem came when she demanded that I leave
Washington the morning of my last day there, missing 3 very
important lectures which caused me to drop from a 4.0 in the class
to a 2.9, and having to beg my advisor to let me make it up in some
manner in August. This was to attend the wedding practice, set for 3
in the afternoon, and the rehearsal dinner at 7 pm. If I had
returned with the rest of the people going to the symposium I would
have gotten back at 8 pm. She could have scheduled the rehearsal for
the weekend before I left, or for the day after I got back, but she
insisted that I return especialy for HER wedding.
The day of the wdding rolls by, my brother picks up his lovely
white tux. Jan is getting his clothes ready [can you say
micromanagement?] and pulls out white gym socks with red stripes on
them. Then she has the guts to get pissed off when people laugh as
they can be seen through the white tux legs as they kneel at the
alter. Her wedding photographer show up thoroughly blitzed and with
the exception of the staged wedding photos before the ceremony and
the one with the cake [he used a tripod for these] they look like
something from one of those trendy commercials where they cant seem
to hold the cameras still and upright.
We get to the hall, and it is nice, a number of the people that
my brother and I worked with spent several hours the night before
decorating and getting it ready. The food is pretty standard, roast
chicken, mashed potatos, asparagus and a very nice cottage cheese
and fruit on lettuce salad. The wedding cake is beautiful. The live
band is one that is popular in the area. Jan's mother pitches a fit
because my parents provided an open bar and champagne to toast the
couple. She started shrieking, "Good Christians Don't
Drink," at the top of her lungs. Then she starts picking on the
band. "Good Christians Don't Listen to the Devil's Music."
She starts blaming my father and shoves him into the table with the
presents and the cake, toppling the very expensive cake just enough
so the top tier falls off. Well, we manage to salvage the rest of
the cake, and put the little figures on the second level.
It comes time to do the schtick with the garter and bouquet, so
of course, mommy dearest starts complaing about that too. At about
this time, my boyfriend of the time, my mother and father, and about
half the people simply give up and we walked out en mass. According
to my brother, her rather rude behavior ended the reception very
shortly after this when she started having hysterics and whining
about how Danny was taking her little baby away and that he was
going to corrupt her precious little girl until she goes to hell.
After this festive fiasco, a bunch of us at work were not
surprised in the least that after 8 months of marriage, Jan asked
for a divorce because "marriage was not up to her
I have heard that she has worked her way through 4 more men and
is currently out shopping for another! I am very glad to say
that it didn't turn myself or my brother off of marriage, he has
been happily married to his second wife for 13 years.
At one point in my dating life, I was dating an English guy. During
a summer visit, we were hanging out at a pub and one of his friends
said he was going to be married next week and this was his stag
night. Well, I felt a little out of place, but they
said not to worry. In fact, Cal (the groom to be) asked if I'd
like to come to the wedding. I was a little taken aback being
that the wedding was next week and I'd only just met him. Then
Cal asked if anyone else at the table would like to come as well.
Well ,everyone kind of blew off his request until later I told my
boyfriend that it might be fun to go to the location of
the wedding for a weekend with our friends. It was a big
tourist area and I'd been backpacking there with my cousin. So
my boyfriend and I along with another couple agreed to go to this
We arrived at the provided hotel and looked around. It was
the wierdest place I'd ever seen. It looked like an old hotel
from a horror show. The rooms were like dorm rooms with one
bathroom per floor. Everything was covered completely with
dust. We settled in and began touring. (The groom was
staying in a tent overnight.)
The day before the wedding, we were walking around town and I
whispered to my boyfriend that it might be nice to get a gift for
the couple. So we went to a store to pick something out.
We decided that the four of us would chip in and get them something
nice. We asked the groom's brother and sister what kind of
house they would have or the colors they liked or maybe what they
needed? They had no clue. So we got them a set of
bathroom accessories including towel racks and towels and other
assorted stuff. When we began to sort out the money, the
groom's brother and sister said, "Hey, that's a nice idea - to
get a gift. Can we chip in as well?" So they gave
money too. All in all, we each spent what was equivalent to
$7.00 / person for this gift.
That night was a pub crawl (bar hopping).
During that time, Cal asked my boyfriend and his friend to be his
ushers. That was a bit odd, but everything was at this point.
The day of the wedding arrived. I was very concerned that
my dress was inappropriate being that I was merely travelling and
was not expecting to go to a wedding. I thought I should go out and
get panty hose since it was tacky to have bare legs. Well, I
had no reason to worry. We arrived early and watched the
guests come in. There were your typical overweight aunts and
uncles and tons of kids running around screaming. Then there
was a girl with pink hair, a black caustic and combat boots.
Another guest was wearing cut off denim shorts and a t-shirt.
Another one wore jeans and a fake-leather vest. Just the vest.
I began to notice that everyone was being seated on one side of the
room. There were only seven people there for the groom
including the four of us!
The bride showed up in a fancy car. Through the window the
party looked beautiful. As the bride walked down the aisle, I
noticed buttons missing on the dress that was practically falling
off of her. Her tattoo was hanging out of the back of the
dress and she had a nose-ring.
After the ceremony, the bride and groom went off in their car.
We walked a couple of miles to get to the reception. On the
way, the people who were guiding us stopped to grab a pint! By
the time we got there, the bride was upset because apparently they
wanted my friends to be in the pictures as the ushers.
The reception. Oh boy. We went to a pub. We had
a beer or two then the guests were seated one-by one by a director.
We sat as the bride and groom and their families were served and we
waited. We finally relaxed that this was a buffet for us.
Oops. We danced and had a good time afterwards. It was a
strange experience, but a good story and some great fun!
End result - her family thought we were wierd. They were divorced
three months later. wedhell1126-00
I went to a wedding back in 1985 that we
still talk about. In fact it was so awful people who weren't even
there call me to recount it.
A college friend of mine was getting married in a remote state.
Everyone who was attending had several hundred miles to travel. The
invitation was standard and was for the ceremony and reception.We
all made our own arrangements. Upon arrival at a very exclusive
country club we were handed a crystal and given lines to recite. I
refused and was told I would have to stand to the back as it might
affect the aura.
After the very brief crystal ceremony, we were ushered into the
country club. The bride, groom and wedding party were roped off. We
then found out that this was to differentiate those who were
entitled to drink and those who were to have CASH BAR. Nope, not
even a toast of champagne for the unwashed masses. I don't happen to
generally carry lots of money to a wedding; we couldn't even get a
club soda without paying. Meanwhile the wedding party got roaring
drunk. And no, there was no mention of cash bar on the invite. In
our sober state we took a poll and no one had ever heard of treating
guests differently than the wedding party.
A girl and guy that I worked with asked me
and my then husband to be in their wedding. The bride, being
sensitive as she was, would have been devastated if I had said
no but I ignored my gut feeling and said yes. If I had only
The bride and groom, while quite nice, were rather indecisive and
less than bright. Everything was all right, or so I thought, until
the night of the rehearsal.
We all arrived at the church, a beautiful old structure, to find
that the wedding (a rather large event, I might add) was being
held in the tiny chapel rather than the larger sanctuary. Oh,
well, I thought, not my problem! We find where we are supposed to be
and in walks this woman in a shapeless, disheveled long green dress,
sandals with no stockings, long ratty hair, and a bible. It was the
minister! Ok, whatever. We begin the rehearsal, and the minister
starts asking the usual questions, like do you want the moms to
light the unity candle, are you having a receiving line, etc...to
which the bride and groom answer, "We don't know." So the
rest of us had to help them decide how they wanted their wedding to
go! This was turning out to be more work than I had anticipated. 2
hours later, we leave the rehearsal to head for the rehearsal
dinner, held at a friend's house. Not only was there not enough
room, there was not enough food! So we left early.
The next day, we all arrive at the church early for pictures and
whatnot. The photographer took one picture of the bride and her
attendants, and then spent the next HOUR photographing the groom and
his attendants. I couldn't believe it! So we all sat upstairs, doing
nothing, while the photographer has the men parading all over
downtown for pictures. (The bride and groom, but especially the
bride, are not the kind to say anything about poor service even
though they should, and this will be evidenced again later.) He left
right after the wedding.
About half an hour before the ceremony actually begins, the bride
is getting really nervous. She half cries while she walks circles
around the tiny dressing area winding her nicely pressed train into
a knot and spreading beads and sequins all over the floor. For some
reason, I am the only one that thinks to tell her to either pick it
up and carry it or sit down! She does neither. To top it off, she is
wearing lingerie she would not normally wear (satiny) and is
complaining about how bad it feels and she wants to take it off.
Finally she sits down so one of the bridesmaids can do her makeup,
of which she normally wears none. She looked rather strange to me,
but she was happy, so I let it go.
The wedding goes just fine, and we all file out into the hot,
late-June sun to await the limo that is not yet there. It finally
pulls up, and I can't believe it when the driver steps out and
introduces himself. He has no teeth! I can't even remember his name,
but he was memorable. As we all try to pile into the back, of course
there is not enough room for us all. My husband and I have to sit up
front with the driver. The day being hot and sunny, we asked that he
turn on the air conditioning for us. "Hope you don't
mind", he says, "but the air conditioning is broke."
So we ask him to roll down the back windows. He says he can't, it's
against company policy. Whatever! So we finally take off. The driver
asks the newlyweds where they want to go. Their response? "We
don't know." My husband and I end up directing the driver where
to go. This is starting to feel like OUR wedding! We drive around
downtown, and as the radio in the limo is broken, as well as the
phone and television, the driver has a tape of horrible disco music.
We pass a park where a gay and lesbian festival is going on, and
"YMCA" starts playing, blasting out of the speakers and
the open windows of the limo. I could have died.
Then the bride and groom have an idea--let's go to the local Home
Depot and parade around there in our wedding attire! Help me! We
arrive and file out of the limo into the store. Needless to say, the
workers and customers are rather surprised to see us. We traipse all
over the store, and for some bizarre reason the bride decides to
have her picture taken on a TOILET sitting in the aisle. Can we
We file back into the limo and head for the reception (held in
the lower level of a bowling alley). We get out, and the driver
takes off! All of my husband's and my stuff is in the trunk,
including my purse! Aaaah! We go to the reception, considering
everyone is waiting for the bridal party, and perform as usual.
Meanwhile, I am telling the groom to call the limo service and the
photographer to get his money back, and my husband is on his phone
trying to get a hold of the limo service to bring the limo back.
Nobody there! He tries again, and gets someone that does not speak
English! Finally, somehow, he gets the limo driver to come back and
retrieves our things from the trunk.
After all that hoopla, I was exhausted. I feigned a headache and
we left! I don't think I ever want to be in another wedding again.
This story actually took place about 15 years ago.
A long time friend of mine informed me she was getting married
and asked me to be her matron of honor. I had several issues
with this....first of all, she was getting married in a state that
was 12 hours away by car which meant that I (and the rest of the
guests) would have to travel there. I couldn't understand why
she didn't want to get married in her home town, since she had only
lived in this new city for less than a year. I also really
didn't have the funds for the dress, travel and gift. Secondly,
I no longer considered her a good friend and disapproved of her
lifestyle. In the years prior to her marriage, she had become
very promiscuous. She lived off men, and used all of her
friends. Her fiance was still married when she met him and
left his wife and two kids to marry her. They were living
together. Thirdly, she wanted me to be her "matron of
honor". I informed her that I had never been married, so I
couldn't be a "matron of honor." She disagreed with
me and told me it simply meant "second best maid of
honor." The Maid of Honor was to be her fiance's sister,
who had been married three times!
Anyway, she pressured me to honor her request, and even cried and
begged me. I reluctantly agreed, and that's when things
started to really get bizarre. First she informed me that she
had picked out designer bridesmaid gowns that were about $400 each.
Remember, this was in 1985 dollars and I was just
starting out, so it was money I didn't have. She told me they
only had a size 6 left and I was a size 10. No big deal though, her
mom could alter it for me so it would fit! She mailed the
dress to me and I was mortified. It was lime green and the
most hideous thing I had ever seen - satin with bows and ribbons and
puffed sleeves. Worse yet, it was several sizes to small and I
knew it would never look normal when altered. She also
informed me I needed silver shoes, which I didn't own and couldn't
afford. I told her that, and she cried, begging me not to ruin her
wedding day. ! I went ahead with the altering and bought the
Next, I drove the 12 hours to the city where the wedding
was to take place. I had to check into and pay for a hotel for 2
nights. To add insult to
injury, she was too busy to even speak to me and I felt very
around her new circle of friends. They were bible-thumping
Evangelists and worked on me to convert to their religion all
weekend. It was so unpleasant.
The next day I went to the rehearsal, then the prenuptial dinner
at a restaurant. All of the guests were presented with checks
and had to pay for their own meals.
When I arrived at the church the next day, I discovered that the
only attendees of the wedding were in the wedding party. There
wouldn't be a single guest in the church to watch the ceremony!
I also learned that she decided to get married in her
finance's city instead of back home because her minister there
disapproved of her lifestyle. So, she had all of us travel 800 miles
for her special day. The big formal wedding seemed so very
hypocritical. Then I walked down the aisle in my ill-fitting, $400
altered creation and stood next to the other eight bridesmaids and
maid of honor and listened to a "fire and brimstone"
minister lecture us all about the evils of our life.
The wedding was over and we were quickly ushered into the hall
way for the reception. Yes, I said hallway. Our refreshments
were punch and mints. For the entertainment , the bride and
groom rented six TV monitors/VCRs that played a video they had
professionally made with music and all. It was the story of
the bride and groom's lives. The bride looked lovely, in her
expensive white designer wedding gown and 3 carat wedding ring.
When I went up to congratulate them, the bride informed me hat
their white stretch limo had pulled up in front of the church to
take them to the airport for their honeymoon --- to Europe! So,
they had to run, but thank you for spending our special day with us!
I was stunned...the reception, if you'd call it that, lasted
less than 1/2 hour, there was no food or drinks for the guests,
other than mints and punch. Plus, everyone had travel expenses
and had to pay for their prenuptial dinners.
I then added up the $400 gown and silver shoes and a wedding gift
I had to buy. The entire thing cost me $1,000 and I certainly
couldn't afford it. I seethed as I watched her get into the
limo in her expensive wedding gown, huge diamond ring and
extravagant trip to Europe. I felt like we had really been
Of course, I didn't receive a thank you note, and the next call I
received from her was about a year later, informing me they were
getting divorced. I think they ended up staying together, but
it was by far the tackiest wedding I ever attended.
This past summer I went with my fiance,
"Denny" to a wedding of one of his friends,
"Gwen." Also need to mention here that Denny and Gwen had
dated very briefly a long time back, and she still gives me dirty
looks, as if I'm somehow the one who caused their breakup back then.
The place they held it was over-the-top-elaborate/gaudy, the kind
where they have 5 chandeliers for a 10-foot room for no reason other
than being ostentatious. The ceremony was held outside, and the
reception at one of the rooms inside. They actually lucked out on
the weather - it was bright and sunny and not too hot.
The ceremony was to begin, say at 5, and we got there a little
before 4, main reason being that Denny was asked to read a poem
during the ceremony, and he wanted to get there early. I can't even
remember the poem, just that it was something awful and trite. We go
to get seated and I can't sit with Denny because of said reading -
he sits in the first row and I am seated what feels like three
states away where I can't hear anything or see because of the giant
ivy-covered beam right in front of me. Surprise. They don't even
have enough programs for everyone (and between these two families
there is an extremely substantial amount of money), so I have to
lean over to read what's going on. The ceremony starts late.
There are two ceremonies; he is Indian and she's not. They have
the first traditional American ceremony minister, short service,
readings (Denny did great), "do you take this woman," etc.
They kiss and get announced as man and wife, but we're not allowed
to leave or even move, because now there will be a separate
traditional Indian ceremony. The staff was incredibly rude and when
I went to congratulate Denny on a job well done I got *yelled* at.
Now let me say that I think it's a great idea to incorporate all
kinds of traditions into your wedding in general. I just think that
the guests should at least understand what's going on. The second
ceremony was AT LEAST an hour and not only could I not hear anything
from where I was, I wouldn't have been able to understand it anyway
because it was in Hindu! All of it! There was no sort of translator
to at least say, "And this is when he pledges his undying
love," or anything like that. There were dances and songs that
I am sure would have been lovely if all the guests had a vague clue
about what was going on! And I can assure you that all the 300+
guests spoke English. Meanwhile I spent the hour reading and
re-reading what's printed on the back of my driver's license because
it was the only thing to do.
After the ceremonies, Denny and I were starving and I desperately
needed a drink and to use the bathroom. But in order to get to where
the hors d'oerves were and bar (not to mention the bathroom), we had
to go through the receiving line. I've seen less traffic on highways
at rush hour. Then once we got through that and went into where the
reception was being held, there was ANOTHER massive line to get in.
It felt like Soviet Russia. One of the bridesmaids barked orders at
us like elementary school children. Turns out that we weren't even
granted access to the room unless we signed the guest book!
Once we were granted access upon signature, there was yet another
line for the buffet or hors d'oerves. There was maybe one tray of
breaded vegetables circulated by a sullen waitress. Let me just say
that if you have that many people, buffets are just not a good idea.
Especially if there is no food. You'd think that with the budget
there would be something to eat, but no. By the time we got to the
front of the line, there were maybe 2 cucumber slices left and they
were already setting up (another buffet) for dinner. Denny was
starving and when he went over to the buffet for dinner, he got
sharply reprimanded -- by the groom! Dinner - once we were allowed
to get up - consisted of cornmeal mush and soggy veggies. Denny and
I subsisted on stale rolls and chunky butter. The band?
Unintelligible and undanceable. I know because I sat next to the
At one point at the table, Denny leaned over to kiss me, and the
waitress literally stepped in front of him, knocked his head away,
and barked "Move!"
The reception was maybe 4 hours and people were leaving after the
toasts. We stuck it out for about three hours and then felt sick and
had to leave.
The best part is now that I'm engaged, Gwen offered Denny the
books she used to plan the wedding! I'm sure it'll help - as a
blueprint for everything we DON'T want! Thanks and keep up the good
I've been dating James (names have been
changed to protect the innocent and even the not so innocent) for
several years. In April of 1997, we announced that we would be
married. Approximately three days later, James' younger sister
(Perky Patsy) became engaged as well. Immediately, all attention
focused on Perky Patsy and we were pretty much left in the dust, as
they say. I have never felt like I was truly welcomed in this
family. Heck, even James does not feel like he's a part of his own
family. (Neither of us had ever done anything to offend anyone in
the family. We've always remembered birthdays and tried to be as
generous as possible. Both James and I make very good incomes and
we've always been very free with our money, showering his siblings
with gifts that they would not ordinarily be able to afford. To
complicate matters, James' father's side of the family is quite
wealthy. Apparently this means that they can be rude. Sssshhh! We
don't want them to know that they aren't the only ones on this
planet who have money!)
The ensuing months included much wedding preparation and the big
day for Perky Patsy and her intended, whom I refer to as Hitler
Youth (no kidding - that's the nickname I use for him, of course not
to his face!), was set for June of 1999. There were the requisite
bridal showers, during all of which I had to endure the usual
"So exactly when are you getting married anyway?"
questions. (James and I had pretty much been told "not to steal
the limelight away" from Perky Patsy, so we postponed all of
our plans. Don't want to upset Perky Patsy and take away any glory
from her "special day"!) Come to think of it, I still
haven't received a thank you from Perky Patsy for one of the several
gifts I gave to her at one of her showers.
June arrived and Perky Patsy and Hitler Youth were all ready for
their nuptials. The wedding was to be outdoors, but because of
inclement weather, the wedding had to be moved indoors. Perky
Patsy's mother, whom I will refer to as Viola Victim, totally came
unglued with the change in plans. To add to the problems, Viola
Victim had been divorced from Perky Patsy's father long ago, but
Viola Victim was still just that - a victim. And she played it to
the limit, including making remarks about her ex-husband and all his
"girlfriends" being at the wedding and about his lack of
contribution to the cost of the wedding. She was a total wreck and
everything was so disorganized and out of control. She was the only
person who knew what was supposed to go where, but she wasn't too
forthcoming with information. Those of us who were trying to help
with the flowers and decorations were really in the dark, all
because Viola Victim was having a nervous breakdown. Also, when she
Perky Patsy's father years and years before, there was no
wedding. Now was Viola Victim's chance to live vicariously through
her daughter and have the wedding she didn't get to have. Needless
to say, this was a true example of dysfunctionality at its worst!
When the guests arrived and were seated, James (who was one of
the ushers) seated me in the section reserved for his family. After
I was seated by James, his brother Boring Bob promptly came up to me
and said, "You will need to move. This is the family
section." Well, I had spent several years with James at this
point and, after all, we were engaged, but apparently I was not
"allowed" to be in the family section! I had to stand up
in front of the crowded room and walk out. I broke into tears! James
became upset and added more chairs in the aisle for us (not the
aisle where the wedding party would be walking, but on the opposite
end). Hitler Youth promptly advised that we were to immediately
remove the chairs, that they couldn't be blocking anything! James of
course said, "I don't care what you think - we're sitting
It got better from there. After the ceremony, an announcement was
made that all family members were to report to a certain area for
pictures to be taken. James insisted that I should go with him
because he felt I was part of the family. I obediently followed
behind him to the area where we were to gather, at which point I was
told by James' father Arrogant Adam (who, as noted above, was once
married to Viola Victim) "You are not part of this
family." Well, I wanted to leave at this juncture, but could
not get access to my car keys because they were locked up in the
bride's room. Both James and I were very upset at the treatment we
were being given.
And it got even better! During the reception, it was time for the
bouquet toss, which is an extremely archaic tradition (in my
opinion). I was one of maybe two adult, unmarried women. All the
rest of the females standing out there ready for that bouquet were
under the legal drinking age (average age of 12). The other adult,
unmarried woman (Babs, who is James' cousin) grabbed me by the arm
and said, "If I have to do this, so do you!" Despite my
protests, she dragged me to the floor. We stood in back of the
crowd, at which point Hitler Youth promptly came up behind the two
of us and said, "If you're not going to have any fun out there,
I'd prefer that you leave." Babs and I looked at each other and
turned around and simultaneously told Hitler Youth to "F--
Off!" He retreated to his cage at that point and has pretty
much not spoken to either of us since. wedhell0726-00