- Jun 2003
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Jan-Jun 2005 Archive
My ex-boyfriend, who we'll call "Loser" from now on,
was, well, a loser. We met in high school when we were 16 and started dating a
couple of months later. After a typical high school romance, we did the
long-distance thing when he moved to the city to look for work and I stayed near
our home town when I got a job. I had visited him every weekend I could while he
was living in the city, and more often than not, I would stare at the back of
his head while he surfed the internet and talked on chat programs. I discovered
he was talking to girls who didn't know he had a girlfriend. He was fine with me
talking to these girls, as long as they didn't know I was his girlfriend. He
even encouraged me to pose as a male.
After a couple of years of unsatisfactory part-time work,
Loser decided he would come back, and we moved in together and both attended
university. We had little nitpicky fights about nothing at all regularly. I
worked my guts out at university constantly, and he sometimes did enough to
pass, but more often than not, didn't pass. He continued to spend ridiculous
amounts of time on the internet and computer games. I snapped one day when,
after a full day at university, I returned home to find him exactly where I'd
left him when I went out that morning, still playing the same computer game.
He had been talking to this girl we'll call
"Homewrecker" on the internet. She was apparently 17 and keen as
mustard to have a relationship with him. Of course, she had no idea I existed. I
continually asked him to stop talking to her. He was leading her on, giving her
the impression he wanted to be with her too. I'll never forget the night he told
me that he had been talking to Homewrecker, and she had told him that she had
cancer and was given six months to live, so the doctor told her to have children
now. Basic facts-of-life tell you this won't work out, but no matter what I
said, he was torn between me, his partner for five years, and this girl he had
never met, really knew nothing about, and was still talking to, despite being
caught out in an obvious lie, a fact he refused to discuss with me.
We went out one night, and returned home at 9:30pm to a
message on the answering machine from Homewrecker. She called to tell Loser that
she was on her way, and could he pick her up from the airport. I was furious and
told him so. He told me I was being paranoid, and asked me to go to my parents'
house for the night. I was so angry I couldn't speak. I didn't drive, so he
expected my father to drive an hour to our house to get me, an hour back to
their place, then bring me back home when I was allowed to go home, then go back
home himself. I called my dad and said I needed to come over, and I would
explain on the way. Needless to say, he wasn't happy either.
To cut an already long story short, he ended up breaking up
with me under suspicious circumstances. I also found out from a mutual friend
that he had been hooking up with girls on the weekends I didn't visit, and that
he had actually wanted to break up with me on my birthday. Our mutual friend
managed to talk him out of it, so he did it a couple of days later instead. I
also suspect there was bribery from his parents as incentive, because I'd
recently had an argument with his father after I dared stand up to him.
I was married and divorced before I hit my 25th birthday.
Dumb, I know, but it left me anxious to date a lot of people with no
commitments involved. The internet is great for this kind of dating
(though to be safe I always insisted that I have my own car). I met A LOT
of people, and most of the time my dates were really great. There are a
few, though, that just make good party stories. I'd have to say this guy
was one of them.
I met JJ online one night, and as the two of us were both
free, he asks me to go to a movie with him. He lived about forty-five
minutes from me, but I didn't mind driving down to meet him. He gave
me the address for the place he worked and told me he'd be off at nine o'clock.
(I was used to late night hours, and apparently, he was too.)
So at eight-fifty I was driving up and down the street looking
for the address. It wasn't there. With the way the buildings
were configured, it seemed pretty clear that the address couldn't exist but
I'm so bad at finding places that I figured I had made some kind of mistake. (I
didn't. I found out later he'd told me South instead of North.) I
took my little cell-phone-less self to the service station on the corner and
called him from a pay phone. He tells me he's not sure of the address, but
if I'll give him my phone number he'll check with his friend and call me back.
I tell him I don't have a cell phone, that I'm calling from a pay phone, but
that I'll call him back in 15 minutes. It struck me as odd . . . wasn't he
supposed to BE there? Why did he have to call his friend to get the
address? But oh well.
Fifteen minutes later I called him back. No answer.
I wait another fifteen minutes and call back. No answer. I wait
another fifteen minutes and call back. No answer. I've now been
waiting for an hour, and I'm annoyed he's not answering his cell phone,
particularly because he should have been expecting my call. So I leave a
message. I tell him where I am, and tell him I'll wait fifteen more
minutes, and then I'm leaving. I wait twenty, to give him the benefit of
the doubt, and when nobody shows up, I start the car.
Just then, the clerk from the service station comes out and
asks me if I'm waiting for someone named JJ. I say yes, and she says he
just called her and asked her to tell me he's on his way. So I turn off
the car and sit.
An hour later, he shows up. I've now been sitting
outside freezing for over two hours. The heater in my car doesn't work
well if it's just idling, so that didn't help. Anyway, a pick-up full of
guys shows up, and one of the guys in back waves enthusiastically to me.
Bingo, there's my blind date. I unlock my car doors and get out to greet
him. He jumps out of the truck, runs straight past me, and hops into my
car. The pick-up drives away.
Okay. So maybe I was expecting some kind of explanation
of why he was so late. Maybe I was expecting him to offer to drive
because every other guy I've ever gone out with has offered to drive. I
always insist on keeping my car, though, so it's not like this inconveniences
me. Still . . . he just got in the car uninvited, and it really
rubbed me the wrong way. I was actually willing to forgive the two hour
wait, because it's just hard to connect sometimes, but this is weird.
Okay. Whatever. Shrug it off. I get back in
the car, and he says, "So, what do you want to do?"
Uh. I thought we were going to a movie. I tell him
that, and he says, "Oh, well, we can go back to my apartment and watch a
movie if you want.
Okay, whatever. I tell him to point me in the right
direction, and he points and says "That way."
And we're off! Glad that we're finally getting started,
I figure it's time to commence with the small talk. I open my mouth to say
something, and glance over at him, and he's dialing his cell phone. Yeah,
the one he didn't answer all those times I called. His conversation
begins, "Hey. Whatcha doin? (pause) Nothing much.
Are you going to Greg's party?" and on along that vein.
I shoot him an annoyed look, which he ignores. I have no
idea where his house is, and he doesn't offer to help. I have to keep
reminding him to tell me where we're going. At one point he interrupts his
conversation to yell, "Hey, you were supposed to turn there!"
(Nice of him to tell me, eh?) So I flip a U-turn. We head down the
street where he lives, and he finally hangs up the phone and points out his
house. Before I can even get the car fully stopped, he's gotten out of the
car and run inside the house. He was so polite, though. He left the
door open for me.
Feeling fairly awkward, I follow him inside. He's
nowhere to be seen. I look in the kitchen and main room, and figure he
must be back in the bedrooms. This is student housing for the local
University, and they're very strict about not letting members of the opposite
sex into tenants' bedrooms. So I stand in the living room and wait.
And wait. Probably about five minutes goes by, and it feels like forever
because I'm so uncomfortable. Finally he re-emerges, flops down on the
couch, and says, "What are you standing there for? Have a seat?"
I'm NOT happy. I sit down on the couch next to him, and
he says, "So, what do you want to do."
I close my eyes in that praying-for-patience motion, and he
says, "Oh, what's wrong NOW?"
Right then, I gave it up as a bad job. I stood up, told
him to have a nice night, and left. Never before or since have I simply
walked out on a date without at least attempting to fix the problem, but I just
couldn't bring myself to lecture him on basic social courtesy. Not my job.
This happened in 1978, but I may never recover. If it had
happened in the era of stalker awareness I would have been terrified!
First some back story...I was adopted, which isn't a bad
thing, except that my parents had wanted a Perfect Dream, Barbie Doll, Daughter
and I was supposed to live out their script. They were very controlling, and
coupled with alcohol abuse, by the time I was a teen the breach was so bad I
wasn't living in their house most of the time. I'd try to move back and fix
things but it never worked. What finally broke my back was a guy I'll call
Rich called my house one afternoon and asked for a date. I
told him I didn't know him (true) and that I wasn't allowed to date (also true).
I asked how he got my number and he said he volunteered in the school office and
pulled my number from student records. That should have been my first clue, but
remember I was only 15.
The next day I get home from school and find mom all excited.
She's gotten a call from El Creepo AND his mother, and was sooooo impressed that
she decided I could go out with him. His mom was going to pick us up and bring
me home, so it was okay. I told her I didn't even know the guy, but she thought
this was soooo sweet that he had his mother introduce him.
We went out for pizza and a movie, and I thought he was a nice
enough guy, but I really wasn't interested in him. However, he decided this one
date meant I was his girlfriend. He was aided and abetted in this by my mother,
who thought he was "perfect" and "just what we always wanted for
you." Explaining to her that I wasn't interested in him just brought up a
monologue about what a great guy he was, what a good family he comes from, why
would I rather be home reading a book than out having a good time. (Telling her
I didn't have a good time didn't compute in her brain)
I never got to see my other friends because he was
monopolizing all my time. Friday I had to go to his house for dinner and to
watch TV. First we watched "The Love Boat" then we watched
"Fantasy Island" and I had to endure his siblings running around the
living room flapping their arms and yelling "the plane the plane" - (I
wish I was making this up.) On Saturday we played Atari at his house. At least
he had good games. Sunday, as soon as Rich wakes up, he calls me.
I tried telling him I wasn't interested in a relationship and
I didn't want to see him anymore. While I was walking home he called mom in
tears "to tell her goodbye...." and "I guess I just didn't love
her enough...." and the psycho blasted me when I walked in the door for
being so mean to this sweet guy. He quickly learned the way to force me out on
dates was to ask in front of her because she would roll over any excuse I came
up with. He began trying to get rid of my friends by complaining that "they
don't like me" (true) and asked mom to make sure they weren't invited over
when he was there. My friends either didn't like him or were a bad influence on
I wish he'd been really abusive, because then my parents would
have agreed to get rid of him. But he was an honor student, from a good family,
not a troublemaker. At school the teachers liked him and although the other kids
thought he was a number one nerd, didn't bully him because he stomped
everybody's behind academically. I don't know why he fixated on me, maybe
because I was the shyest kid in school. He never hit me or was verbally abusive,
I just couldn't peel him off.
Christmas was the worst. He gave me a list: this is what he
wants for Christmas, this is what his sister wants for Christmas, this is what
his mother wants for Christmas! He expected me to buy gifts for his family! I
wasn't even planning to get him anything, and he wanted an Atari game. We
couldn't afford an Atari system for ourselves, but mom of course buys it for
him. She gets everything on the list and tells me to hush because they're
getting me something too. I asked Rich for a gift certificate to the bookstore
but his mom says gift certs are tacky. They will get me a real gift. So I'm
thinking something cool.
He gets me, I kid you not, a set of lady's handkerchiefs. 2
for 5 bucks at K-Mart! His sister gets me nothing. His mom buys me a football
jersey (I am not a football fan) like the one Rich wears. Mom goes ga-ga saying
how cute that we'll match, and be sure to wear it next Friday so they'll see how
much I like it. I quietly throw it away.
I blasted my parents for manipulating and interfering and
moved out again. They gave Rich my new address and phone number. I moved and
changed numbers again and didn't give them the number. He had mom go to one of
my friends and wheedle it out of her. I almost got fired from a job because he
wouldn't stop calling me. he waited for me outside the door of my work and
followed me, begging and crying. He followed another guy I was dating and tried
to convince him we were engaged. I called the cops but they said he wasn't
breaking any laws and even lectured me for "not being forceful
Sometimes he would disappear for a few months but always
turned up again. My roommate came home from work one day to find him mowing the
lawn at the duplex we were renting! At this time the word stalking didn't exist,
or I would have been terrified.
The harassment ended only when I moved out of town!!! I went
back for a family funeral and found he had gone to pay respects and introduced
himself to everyone as my boyfriend! ICK! I told everyone if they told him where
I was living I'd shoot them first and him second! I never went to my high school
reunions because I was afraid of seeing him there.
I wonder sometimes if he ever got married. I feel sorry for
the girl if he did.
This happened in the early 1980s, when I was in my early
twenties, on shore duty in the US Navy. I had begun dating Scott, a
hospital corpsman. There was something odd and rather juvenile about him.
He was several years older than me, yet it seemed sometimes like I was seeing a
high school kid. The problem was really that my two roommates could see
that long before I could. Me? I had to get hit over the head a few
times for the truth to sink in. I worked evenings in the
enlisted men's barracks, assigning rooms to new personnel. One night he
was visiting me at work, keeping me company at the front desk. A few
young sailors came in; sailors that I normally would joke with. But I
guess that jovial familiarity was too much for his ego, and he picked a fight
with one very nice young man. It broke up when I threatened to call
Another time we were going to a movie on my night off.
His car was in the shop, so one of my roommates lent us his car, and since it
belonged to my roommate, I felt responsible so insisted on driving.
The problem was, unbeknownst to me, this car was unregistered, uninsured,
unEVERYTHING! It didn't even have plates on it! I don't know what I
did to catch the attention of the cop that pulled us over. I decided to be
as cooperative as possible. Scott had other ideas. He was
unbelievably nasty to the cop! When the cop left us briefly to return to
his cruiser, I instructed Scott to kindly shut the hell up. His rationale
for his behavior: This is the United States of America, and you can say
anything you want. I then told him that cop has a gun and a badge and he
had diddly squat, so button it.
In the end, the cop impounded the car and handed me a ticket
for $250. Then he called me the next day, saying he wouldn't have ticketed
me, were it not for my 'boyfriend'. It was clear that he knew I had, from
the beginning, acted on good faith, that I was young and trusted my roommate
with his illegal car, and that I never wanted to insult a cop! He advised
me to ignore the fine and wait for a court date. I can tell you that he
made the fine disappear, because I never heard another thing about it.
BUT....back to Mr. Wonderful. The big blowout occurred
when my two roommates were away on a skiing trip, and I was home alone. I
had had a birthday recently and Scott had given me a birthday gift:
a very nice outfit; sweater, blouse and slacks, that were about four sizes too
small. I had been thinking about what trouble he was and that I needed to
ditch him. We made plans for him to come over to visit. He came in,
I handed him the gift and told him I wanted him to leave. He was pretty
shocked, and then the begging began. It was truly nauseating, especially
when he asked me if maybe I could stay with him until he found another
My story occurs in my first year as a University student. I
went to the student pub with my roommates early in the autumn. I was dancing and
have a good time, when I spotted "Tyler" (name changed) eyeing me from
across the bar. He eventually made his way over, we danced, and after a few
minutes we retired to a table to talk. It turned out he lived in the same
residence hall as me. He seemed very nice, and when the bar closed we went our
separate ways. Fast forward to the next morning at 11 AM and I get a phone call.
He is asking me out on a date to a specialty Wings & Beer restaurant
downtown. Not the best first date place, with sawdust on the floor and rolls of
paper towels sitting on the table tops, and where you end up with wing sauce
smeared all over your face and inevitably dribbling down your chin. But I
agreed. We got it all squared away and met at the front doors at 6 PM and cabbed
The date was disastrous. As I predicted, nobody could politely
eat chicken wings without creating a huge mess. We had nothing in common the
entire time we sat there. When the bill came, Tyler insisted on paying for
my meal even though I tried to cover it myself. He wouldn't even let me leave
the tip, and as we walked out of the restaurant I saw him carefully counting
quarters and dimes to leave for our (kind) waitress!
As we stood outside, it began to rain. Neither of us had
cash (since I was using my ATM and he had spent everything, down to
his last nickel, on dinner) and back then cabs didn't have ATMs in them.
The banks were all closed as it was a Sunday. And the buses had stopped running.
So we walked the 5 KM back to the dorms in the pouring rain.
I figured since it went so horribly, I'd probably never see
this poor fellow again. But I figured wrong. Every morning for the next week, at
11 AM on the dot, my phone would ring and it would be Tyler. He asked me out
several times and I kept turning him down (besides, I was very busy with my
course load!). He figured out where my classes were located and what time I had
them and he'd wait outside of the lecture halls to walk me to our dorm. While he
did this, he would talk nonstop about himself and how wonderful he was in high school
and how great he is now, and how much money his parents have, etc etc etc! I
didn't care! I acted disinterested, but he didn't get the picture. I was very
inexperienced with men and relationships, plus I was very shy, so I didn't
know how to forthrightly tell him to get lost.
And still, he phoned every morning at 11 AM. He asked me my
plans for the weekend, and I told him some of my old girlfriends from high school
were coming to my dorm room for a girls night. Guess who showed up? Tyler showed
up! I told him quite rudely that it was a girl's only affair (as if I hadn't
told him that before!). He wouldn't leave until I promised to go to a movie with
him the following week. I agreed only to get him to leave as he was
embarrassing me in front of my friends.
I dreaded the impending trip to the movies with Tyler for the
next few days, and I finally got the nerve to go to his dorm room and cancel.
I found his room and heard loud music and voices coming from
inside but I still knocked. He answered the door and his face lit up a bit when
he saw me. His friends were standing around in his room and they all seemed to
know of me before I even introduced myself to them! I pulled Tyler aside and
nervously I said "I don't think it's a good idea to go to the movies this
week because I think we make better friends."
After a moment's silence, Tyler's face went blank and he said,
"A date? I was never interested in dating you! ... But yeah, I think it IS
a good idea to skip the movie, now." and he rolled his eyes at his friends.
Mortified I fled the room and never turned back! He was
engaged to a girl less than a year later, so he either met his match or his
dating etiquette greatly improved!!
To set the stage, I have recently ended a relationship of
about a year and started a new job - my first job out of school. One of the
ladies there has a son my age and decides to fix us up - he's not bad looking
and seems nice enough. I should mention my ex-boyfriend was a smoker who assured
me at the time we started going out that he was trying to quit, which meant that
he would excuse himself regularly to go smoke in his car and eat mints. When my
co-worker offers to fix me up with her son, one of the first things I ask is if
he smokes and am assured her son has never and will never smoke. On our first
date, he actually brings up smoking and how much he hates it and how gross it is
(presumably forewarned by his mom).
Fast forward to two months later, things are going pretty
well. We're both kind of outdoorsy, so we decide to take a 3-day weekend to go
camping. We drive to a nearby wilderness area, it is POURING RAIN, but
thankfully lets up a little as we pull into the campground. I start trying to
start a campfire with some dry wood & tinder we brought with us, and he
announces he needs to use the "facilities" and wanders off.
About 10 minutes later he returns with a huge grin to see I
have gotten a little fire going. To congratulate me, he gives me a kiss and it
is clear to me he has been smoking! I confront him about it and he tells me -
get this - that he chews tobacco and sometimes smokes, but he's trying to quit
(sorry for lying by the way) and he didn't mean to smoke just now, but when he
went into the toilet (which at this place is literally a wooden box on top of a
HOLE IN THE GROUND) there was a half smoked cigarette smoldering away so he
couldn't resist finishing it off! Yes, my friends, that man told me he smoked a
cigarette he found abandoned in CAMPGROUND LATRINE and waltzed back and kissed
me! I didn't know whether to vomit or cry.
Needless to say, the relationship did not last much longer,
and things were strained and awkward with his mom at work. To this day, I really
don't think she lied to me, I just don't think she knew he smoked since he
didn't live at home anymore, so I didn't blame her, but she certainly blamed me
for breaking her poor baby's heart. I soon got a new job and have never dated a
co-worker or a co-worker's family member or a secret-smoker again. Netscape.
Just the Net You Need.
First of all, it has to be noted that I've been engaged for a
long time. Second, that this occurred several years ago during my junior year of
high school. Third, I've realized since the incident how incredibly LUCKY (on
many levels) I am to be in a committed relationship and don't have to take part
in the cut-throat, horrifying world of dating.
During an after school club meeting, an acquaintance of mine
(a senior we will call "Brent") lamented that he couldn't find a prom
date and, being just about to graduate and all, he was getting pretty desperate
(mind you, it was still Fall). I really sympathized with his wish to have a
memorable senior prom, so I volunteered to go with him as FRIENDS since my
boyfriend/fiancé lived out-of-state and wouldn't be able to take me to prom
anyway. After that, everything started to go downhill.
I got creeped out initially when he didn't ASK me for my phone
number and e-mail address, but instead took it upon himself to COPY it from
the club registry (which wasn't even for members; it was an informal list passed
around the room that members were encouraged to put their contact information on
for the club officers to use) without mentioning it to me. I didn't find out
until later when Brent called me and told me that's what he'd done. Pardon
me for being a little...apprehensive, but I don't like it when people
use/acquire my contact information without my knowledge.
After a few months of enduring moony, lovey-dovey stares and
deep, wistful sighs and reminding him over and over and over again that we
weren't dating, Brent decides to sit me down for a little hear-to-heart chat. At
a club meeting one day, he tells me that he wants to speak to me in private and
drags me to the back of the room (yes, in the MIDDLE of club activities where
anyone could overhear). He then starts out the conversation with, "MSJ, I
don't think we should date."
To which I respond, "Brent, we're not dating."
"I know," he replies, but plows on anyway. "But I don't think we
should start dating. I'm moving to college next year and don't really want a
"Brent, we're NOT dating. I'm engaged, remember?" At
this point, I point to the ring around my finger and even contemplate whipping
out the pictures of my boyfriend/fiancé that I keep in my wallet (and had shown
"Yeah, but I'm just saying, we shouldn't start dating
since I'm about to graduate." "Brent, I'm engaged. We're
NOT dating!" "I know, but -- "
"FINE!" I finally snap, completely fed up with talking in circles.
"We won't date because you're graduating!"
After that, I get up from my seat, completely miffed, and go
back to sitting with my friends (who are all curious to know what was happening
in the back of the room).
A couple months after that, prom actually comes and I, still
completely creeped out by my prom date's unwanted (and misguided) attentions,
make alternate pre-prom plans go out to dinner with my friends instead of my
date. I'm sure that was rude and possibly hurtful, but I felt that climbing into
a car with a guy I KNEW had a crush on me and apparently couldn't even fathom
the meaning of the word "NO" was a potentially dangerous situation. I
told him a couple weeks before prom that's what I'd be doing, so I figured that
everything would work out. However, I neglected to mention what time dinner
would be at so -- playing the part of the horrible person I'd become throughout
this aggravating experience -- I ended up arriving at the prom itself two full
hours after he did (I still feel absolutely HORRIBLE about it, too; I swear, it
Any sympathy I felt for him and self-hatred toward myself,
however, evaporated once he started putting the moves on me later on. I granted
him (rather reluctantly and childishly, I admit; my friends practically had to
FORCE me onto the dance floor with him) a slow dance and the heavy, wistful
sighing started up again.
What really clinched the evening (and, again, reminded me how
obsessed he was becoming) was when we were about to say goodnight at the end of
prom. He pulled me to the side, held my hand to his chest in a grand, dramatic
gesture and proclaimed, "I was mad at you for being late, but when you came
in the song Lady in Red started playing in my head." (As I'm sure you've
guessed by now, my dress that night was red.) After a few awkward moments of
silence, I managed to tug my hand out of his grip, stammer a nervous
"goodnight," and left with the friends who had brought me.
I admit, I didn't act the way I should have, but the fact that
he simply would NOT let up after months upon months of telling him I wasn't
interested caused my behavior to take a bad turn. I think that, in absence of
the ability to use my "flight" defense mechanism, I was automatically
defaulted to "fight" instead. Normally, I would treat someone with
more civility (if fondness couldn't be procured) than I showed Brent and in
lacking even that I am ashamed. Whether I'm the villain of this tale or he
is, I can't really say myself; feel free to decide on your own.
Oh, and one last addition to this tale; at my high school it's
something of a tradition for students who graduated the year before to come back
to campus at least once to visit old friends and teachers. Brent was no
exception to this tradition (and, for that matter, neither was I a year later)
and I showed up to lunch at my usual spot one day to see him sitting there
(right in the spot that I usually sit, no less) as if from right out of a
nightmare. After an awkward, unwanted hug and the
I-love-you-will-you-please-be-mine look that I had become so familiar with, I
decided that I just didn't have the constitution to sit down with him (though I
did try for about five/ten minutes). Thus, I jumped up and, stammering an excuse
about homework, dashed into the library for the remainder of my lunch period. I
learned later that, during a different lunch period, he had taken to gazing at
my friend "Jane" (who had been the one to bring me to and help me
escape from prom the year before) and sighing as if he were in love with her. He
reportedly asked her about me as he did so, giving her the impression that he
was in lovey/creepy mode due to the simple aspect of association with me.
Luckily, I haven't seen "Brent" since. If God
continues to favor me, I'll never see him again!
One afternoon, as I was just about to hop into my truck and
drive away from the gym, a gentleman hailed me. I thought he needed directions
or something, but it turns out "Bill" thought I was absolutely
gorgeous (even in my sweaty, ratty, post-workout state) and wanted me to give
him a call tonight. Now, I work a funky work schedule and normally don't get
home until about 1 a.m. Bill assured me that was OK and that he would
be up. He seemed like a decent enough fellow, just a little shy, so I gave him
my number in return. About half an hour later, I get out of the
shower and my phone is beeping to tell me there's a voice mail. I puzzle over
the unfamiliar number and then think, "Nuh-uh. He wouldn't." Sure
enough, it's Bill calling to tell me I'm still on his mind after our four-minute
conversation in the parking lot. A little unusual, I thought, but I supposed he
was just zealous. I call Bill at 1 a.m. and leave a message. He doesn't call
back and I go to bed.
My phone wakes me at 10:10 a.m. It's Bill. I'm completely
incoherent and let it go, figuring he'll leave a voice mail. He doesn't. No
biggie; I doze off. My phone rings at 11:06 a.m. Bill again. I'm
still dozy and let it go. This time, he leaves a message. Excellent; I'll call
back later this afternoon. I'm on the phone at 12:28 p.m. when
someone else beeps in. It's Bill. I ignore it, but I'm a little weirded out that
someone has called me three times in about two hours. My phone rings
at 1 p.m. Guess who? I was expecting a phone call and picked up my phone without
thinking. I tell Bill I can't talk right now and, unfortunately, I add that I
will try to call him back later, even though the frequency of his calls bothers
me and I think I'd rather let this fish go. I just had to get him off the phone
ASAP because I needed it.
Bill calls at 2:32 p.m. I am completely unnerved and do not
pick up. Bill calls at 3:45 p.m. and tells me to have a good day at
work, "baby." Now I'm upset. Bill calls at 4:15 p.m. This
is seven calls in about six hours. Members of my family don't call me
this often. I am pretty distressed at this point because, really, I don't know
this man and I'm afraid he's some crazy stalker dude who will follow me
home from work and kill me, or knife me next time we collide at the gym.
The calls (and one text message) persist for the next week and a half, averaging
three or four a day. I never pick up, and Bill never gets the hint. I even get a
male friend to answer the phone. Bill didn't even ask to talk to me, just made
some excuse about a wrong number and hung up. He called back a couple of hours
later and for days after that, this time leaving voice mails saying it's OK if I
have a boyfriend, we can still be friends and hang out. The fact I neither
answer nor return his calls doesn't seem to matter.
Eventually, I realized I had to make this go away. I called
Bill one afternoon and politely told him I didn't want him to call me anymore
and that the frequency of the calls disturbed me. He apologized, insisted he was
a nice guy and that I had nothing to worry about, but he just really wanted to
talk to me. He had been feeling lonely and had prayed to God to send someone
into his life, and then he saw me at the gym and I'm so beautiful ... meanwhile,
I'm getting more and more uncomfortable. I ask him not to call and not to
approach me if he sees me at the gym. To his credit, he agreed, and I have not
heard from him since, although I think I have seen him at the gym.
I'm glad he turned out to be clueless, not dangerous, but who calls a woman
practically on the hour the day after you meet her? And then at least three
times a day after that, even though she doesn't pick up or call you back? The
guy seemed to be in his mid-30s, so I hope by now he's got a clue.
I met "George" on a popular Internet dating site. He
was unemployed, and wanted to plan a date that wouldn't cost anything. I
suggested we go to the British Museum. There is no entrance fee and I felt that
if a lunchtime date went badly, I could just make my excuses and leave.
Our "date" was the most boring half hour of my life
I'd ever spent. He refused to stop and look at anything for longer than a couple
of minutes, even a particular statue that I was keen to show him because my
grandmother once had a wealthy lodger whose family donated it. Eventually, when
we came to the end of our whirlwind tour of the museum, I said (lying through my
teeth) that it had been a pleasant afternoon and I needed to leave for my shift
"It's only four o'clock," he said. "I thought
you were coming home with me."
I told him I don't go round to the houses of people I don't
know well, and that I really was busy and was leaving now. "No, you've GOT
to come," insisted George. "My father wants to meet you." I was
perfectly sure a man in his thirties could go on a date without parental
permission, and said so. After a few minutes of this, I found out what the
problem was. It seemed their usual afternoon entertainment was to phone up and
hire an "agency" lady, but George didn't have a job and so this was
proving rather expensive. He had decided that a money saving alternative would
be to meet women online, take them on the world's fastest date and then bring
them home for his and father's "amusement".
I don't think I've ever been so grateful to see a bus come
round the corner. I haven't heard from George again.
Dear Jeanne, I love the site! This story has
just happened to my poor friend. She's a very pretty, successful, fun girl
living alone in London. One of her friend's flatmates took a shine to
"Pamela" and sent her an email saying that he'd like to take her out
one evening. Pam liked this direct approach and they met up to go for a
drink together. He chooses a pub quite a way from the Underground station.
So they're in the pub and Pam starts making general chat,
until she realizes that he's looking past her (they're sitting in the window)
and watching a boxing match on a large screen across the road. He then
admits it, saying, "Sorry, I didn't catch that - I was watching the boxing
match. Do you like boxing?" No, Pam doesn't. "What
sports do you follow then?" She doesn't. She doesn't do sports.
"But what do you after work then? What kind of life have you got
without sport?". She likes to cook, runs her own small business
and knits presents for people. He tells her she's like a "sad old
granny" for knitting.
Pam's not that thrilled so far, and he shows his amazing
dating technique by going into a rant about how much he hates children, and
people who have children. He doesn't visit his family because they have
children etc The rant then mutates into how he likes to humiliate a girl
at his work who likes him because she's fat. Pamela's had enough and tells
him that that's awful and really shallow. The guy stares at her and says,
"I only like good-looking girls, because men stare at me when I'm out with
them. I'm afraid you're not ticking any of my boxes." Then he
adds, "This is weird. I'm usually really good at pretending I like
people when I don't, but it's not working with you."
Pamela tells him that she's terribly sorry but she's very
uncomfortable and thinks they should call it a night. He is surprised and
takes offence! As they leave the pub, he abruptly remembers that he's left
his laptop in the office and has to fetch it. So he walks off and leaves
Pam to go back to the Tube station in the dark on her own. London's not
actually that dangerous that this is a problem, but that's considered poor form.
Not that she expected much else. As Pam herself said, there's
nothing wrong with finding out you share no interests with your date. But
that's what small talk is for - "How interesting. Do you enjoy that?
I'm afraid I've never understood the rules - how does it work?". If
you choose instead to sneer at your date's interests before revealing what a
nasty person you are, it's no surprise you're single! And this was a
professional man of thirty!
My submission has to do with a guy I met about 10 years ago in
my church singles group. We had talked a few times and had a fun time at a Star
Trek convention together (yes, I'm a geek!). I went by his place one
evening so he could give me a couple of books, and he mentioned that one of the
books was a particular favorite of his wife's. He'd never mentioned a
previous marriage, so I was surprised and asked him about his wife,
expecting to hear that he was divorced or something, but he said, with a sappy
look on his face, "She died a couple of years ago. And you look so
much like her."
Eek. I was creeped out, and never went out with him
When I was in high school, I dated a guy (let's call him
DUMBO) on and off for a year. After a year we stopped dating, nothing
traumatic or dramatic. Fast forward about 4 years when I'm in college.
Keep in mind that I haven't seen him or heard from him in 4 years. I
lived on campus and he obviously didn't have my new phone number. He calls
my parents to get the new number. My dad calls me to let me know that he
gave DUMBO my new number. (There was a reason I never gave it to him in
the first place.) Not 1/2 hour later DUMBO calls. We
talk for awhile and catch up. He wants to come up and see me for the
weekend. No problem. I let him know that he'll be staying with 2
friends of mine - it's a coed floor but single sex wings. These 2
friends live on the same floor, just in another wing. DUMBO sounded very
put out that he wouldn't be spending the weekend in my dorm room. I
haven't seen him in 4 years. Yeah, right! He finally agreed to the
sleeping arrangement. Wouldn't you know it, guess who didn't show that
weekend. That's right, DUMBO! I haven't heard from him since.
In my 2nd year of college, my friend set me up on a blind
date. We ended up double dating. This guy (let's call him Loser)
and I got along fairly well and continued to date for about 6
months. One night we went to the movies. On the way back he
was telling me about a party he and a friend of his went to.
Everything was fine until Loser told me that he had smoked pot at the party.
I said to him that I wasn't comfortable around drugs and that I didn't
want to go out with him if he was doing drugs. Well, Loser tells me that
he promises not to do drugs if we have plans to go out. I told him that he
misunderstood. If he does drugs at all I WILL NOT go out with him anytime.
It's basically me or the drugs. Loser's answer: "I will
not lower my standards to go out with you." That was the last time I
I was set up for this blind date with Jack, a budding musician
in a town about 60 miles south of me. We had had a couple phone
conversations that always had me laughing and extremely enticed for hours.
Jack and I set a date for a Saturday night for dinner and then drinks at a local
bar he frequented.
So on the Saturday, I drove down to his house and nervously
made my way to his front door and knocked. There was no answer. I
waited a couple minutes and knocked again with the same result. I then
rechecked everything: the date, the time, the address. I tried a
third time and again no answer. I tried calling his cell phone, but got
the voicemail. So I waited around for about a half an hour thinking maybe
he had a last minute errand or something. Besides I had a new book in my
car I was dying to dig in to. So I cuddle up in my car and start reading.
An hour had gone by before I realized it!
Jack’s house had an alley running next to it and from where
I was parked I could see the front and right side of the house into the unfenced
backyard. I saw a man out of the corner of my eye coming from the back of
the house. It wasn’t jack, but an older gentleman. I got out of my
car and walked up to the man. We started talking and it turned out he was
the landlord. He mentioned that Jack always seemed to be sleeping and his
piece of crap car was parked in the backyard as always. So I knocked again
and called his cell, but again no answer. The man took his dog for a walk
and I crawled back in my car. I was going to wait for 20 more minutes,
then drive home. I had driven an hour to get there, so I wanted to try to
make it worth while.
About 5 minutes later, Jack calls my phone. He was
upstairs sleeping the whole time! I was a little upset, but it was an
accident. He came outside and he was very charming. He had a great
smile. That was my downfall. So he gave me a huge bear-hug and
invited me into his house for a few minutes before we went to dinner. I
walked in and the front room was jam packed with recording equipment,
instruments, stacks of music… there was literally just an aisle from the front
door to the kitchen. The room had a horrendous smell to it, and I, being
the inexperienced goodie goodie I was, had no idea was the smell was. I
followed him through to the kitchen which was absolutely trashed. He began
making himself a sandwich and tossed me an apple. His roommate shows up
and they start talking, ignoring my presence.
The three of us go back in the front room and talk for awhile
and they both pull out marijuana pipes! I should’ve left right then, I
honestly don’t know why I stayed. But that was the horrible smell
permeating the area. I declined when they offered it to me.
So Jack and I make our way to dinner in his car. The
restaurant was a tiny hole in the wall that I actually really loved. They
served humongous gourmet burritos and the whole place had a spacey theme with
dinosaurs…it was odd. The meal was great and we had a good time.
Jack was really intelligent. We then went to the bar and the band was
getting set up. Jack then tells me that he has to take just a few pictures
of the band as he is their promotion rep and it would only take about 5 minutes
once they started playing. That didn’t really bother me. He buys
me a drink and we sit at the bar for about 30 minutes until I asked him about a
camera or something he may need to take photos. He had completely
forgotten them! So we had to leave and get the equipment and come back to
the bar. The only thing was his equipment was at his friend’s house.
He was borrowing the stuff…. Now I’m thinking he’s not really their
promotion guy. So we get to the house and he runs inside to get the stuff
saying he’d be out in 5 minutes, leaving me in the car. 25 minutes go by
before he’s back! I was getting seriously irritated. I tell him
that we should stop by and get my car before going back to the bar so I can
leave when I want and he can stay and work. He was thrilled with this
So back at the bar, he buys me another drink and goes to do
his thing, but he didn’t return for 45 minutes. Once he left, I had no
clue where he was, couldn’t see him anywhere. I stayed because the band
was seriously awesome and I was enjoying just hanging by myself. When he
came back, he tried to make small talk and apologize for taking so long, but
they were almost done. I told him to go back to his thing, thinking I’d
just leave quietly in a little while. When he walked away, he went past
the band to the deck area outside! How the heck do you take pictures of
the band outside? So I hung for another 15 minutes, talked with the cute
bartender, and went outback to let him know I was leaving. He was just
standing there smoking with 2 other guys.
I said I was headed out and thanked him for dinner. He
gave me another huge bear hug and said we’d definitely see each other again.
Uhhh No, we wouldn’t!
To top off the evening, I got lost on the way home and had to
call my sister to mapquest me directions.
I once was a young intern and flattered by the attention of
one of the fellows in another department, so when he invited me on a date, I
tried to be cool as I accepted. We went out to lunch, then he invited me to ride
with him to his house. A house? On his salary? Well, not really. It's Mama's
house, and he lives with her. And so does Dad.
Dad is in a small cardboard box wrapped in brown Kraft paper
with a typewritten label pasted on the front. He's resting on a bookshelf
propping up the books.
Date holds him and gently shakes Dad for me before matter of
factly identifying what's in the box.
I slogged through the weed jungle that constituted the front
yard to get back to the car, where I tried to maintain polite, friendly chat the
rest of the way.
I have no problem with meeting "cremains," as they
are called, as a respectful introduction once I'm becoming part of the family. I
wouldn't call it first-date material.
OK, this is my favorite Date From Hell story
The worst date I ever went on was with a guy I'll call
"A" who my friend and I met at a church conference, along with a group
of his friends. They were all nice guys, a little goofy, and the group of
us stayed on an outside deck at our hotel till 4:00 A.M. talking and laughing
hysterically. After that night, a few of us stayed in touch, A's friend
dated my cousin, but for the most part I didn't have much contact with A
until I ran into him at another church function. Well, upon our
second meeting, we chatted for a few minutes and A asked for my phone number,
which I gave to him. I've always been a sucker for "giving a nice guy
a chance" even if he totally wasn't my type. So, fast forward to our
first date. A lived in a nearby city and we decided I would drive to
his house. He, in turn, would drive us to the zoo. I was perfectly
fine with this, because having my own car nearby gave me a sense of safety on a
Well, when I arrived at his house, I discovered that he lived
with his mother (A is at least 30 at this point), who is not a very pleasant
woman. A is anxious to give me a tour of his mother's collection of
lighthouses, since he knew I liked lighthouses, and he took me into her bedroom
to look at the lighthouse afghan displayed above her bed. This was
pretty awkward, since she wasn't the most welcoming person I'd ever met. Finally,
we get into the car and take off for the zoo, but the gas gauge in the car is
broken, and within a few miles, we run out of gas on a very busy highway.
A is obviously embarrassed and calls his mom, who I can hear screaming at him
through the phone. She shows up in the other family car a few minutes
later, and screams at him and berates him for not filling up the tank,
since he's aware that the gas gauge is broken.
But alas, the car is filled with gas and we're off
again in the direction of the zoo...just as it starts to rain. So A
decides we'll drive a few more miles to the house of his friend, also in the
group of guys I met that first night, but when we get there, he's not home.
Strike three. We head back to A's house, which is now full of extended family
members I've never met having some sort of picnic. A gives me a plate with
a hamburger and potato salad on it, and after eating about half, I suddenly
begin having one of the stomach/intestinal attacks I'd been having for
a few weeks prior to that. I apologized, got in my car, and drove quickly
home. A was nice enough to call me soon after I arrived home to make sure
I was OK. I was, and never before or never since have I been more grateful
for one of my little "attacks"! Believe it or not, I
went on a second date with him, but when we saw a shooting star on the way back
to my house and he told me it was a sign from God, it confirmed the decision I'd
already made that there would be no third date. His friend had used the
same exact line on my cousin a few weeks before.
I asked one of my better guy friends (Whom I've had on-and-off
'feelings' for him) if he would be willing to go to Prom with me. He says yes,
to my happiness. He bought just about everything, a service I'm not quite accustomed
to, and I offered to help pay for things, but he wouldn't let me.
My really close friend needed help getting ready and a ride,
so she came over, we got dressed, and right on time my date and his dad pick us
up, and we all pile into the little car. About half way to the restaurant, my
friend bursts out that she's forgotten her ASB Card, which we're required to
present at the door to get into the dance. We stop by her house, where we find
out that she forgot her house key. She has to go around back, hop the fence in
her full-length dress, run inside her house, and return again. She comes back in
the car after a few minutes, proclaiming to the whole car that she was relieved
she didn't step in 'dog poo'. Well, that just about set an awkward tone for the
rest of the ride while my friend kept ranting incessantly about random things
that pop into her head.
We arrive at the restaurant, the waiter escorts us inside, and
only then does my date tell me that his GIRLFRIEND will be joining us for
dinner. He never even bothered to tell me that he and this girl were going out,
but now, looking back in hindsight, I guess it was apparent that they were. But
he never told me at all. So after awhile his girlfriend shows up, looking
absolutely gorgeous, as always. We order our food, and while we're all trying to
eat, my friend and some other people at our table are talking about bras, boobs,
and panties, and my poor date is blushing like crazy. Our bill comes at the end
of the meal, and it more then what my date had (He had offered to pay for
everybody) and I tried to give him some money that I had in my purse. He won't
take any of mine, but he lets other people chip in to help pay. [Self-Confidence
Meter goes down a few notches here].
We walk to the hotel where our dance is, get checked in, and
go out to the dance floor. His girlfriend, her friend, and I try to convince my
date to come out and dance, but he doesn't come out and dance till about half an
hour into it. Then some other people who I know, who didn't know that my date
had a girlfriend, forced he and I to dance together. I'm a horrible dancer when
it comes to dancing to rap/hip-hop, so my poor date gives up after a few minutes
of trying to dance with me. To make a long story shorter, he ended up dancing
and hanging out the rest of the night with his girlfriend all night, only
talking to me once or twice the whole night. During the last slow dance (Of
which there were only four played, but at least that beats last years prom) I'm
sitting in a chair in the corner, trying to be the gracious wall flower, while
all my friends are dancing in front of me, including my date and his girlfriend.
I'm sitting there, trying not to cry, while everyone is cuddling and kissing on
the dance floor and I'm literally the only one not dancing in the entire room.
[Self-Confidence Meter is at an all-time low.]
We get a ride home with my date's girlfriend and her
friend, and I'm still trying not to cry, while barely anybody bothers to talk to
I'm not exactly mad at my date, but he could have at least
told me that he had a girlfriend in the first place, and it could have saved me a lot
of heartache that night.
This is comically worst date I ever had. I was about 17, and
it was a second date. He took me out to dinner to a seafood place right on the
water. Thankfully (you'll see why), we were seated at a table on a deck
over the water. Also, there was no one else seated on the deck with us. During
dinner, we were talking. He tells very funny stories. Unfortunately, I started
laughing with my mouth full of fried shrimp and cocktail sauce. It made me
choke. I sort of spit/sprayed cocktail sauce and shrimp bits across the table,
right onto his shirt. I think I mostly missed his food... He was very
gracious about it; it wasn't all that much, and most of it wiped off. He did
continue to laugh and joke about it. I was giggling in a horrified way and still
coughing. I took a sip of my soda to soothe my throat. Sadly, the bubbles just
made things worse, and I coughed more, spraying him AGAIN, with soda this time.
The horror of this and his now hysterical laughter just made things worse, as
well as the remaining soda still ticking my throat. This is even more
disgusting, but it triggered my gag reflex and I had to lean over the railing
and threw up into the water below. That ended dinner.
While this wasn't exactly a faux pas on my part, it sure could
have been a humiliating experience for my teenaged self. My boyfriend's
understanding and gracious reaction, even though he thought it was hysterically
funny, made it simply a little humbling and very humorous experience for me.
Thank goodness he liked me so much. We dated for a couple of years even after
this disastrous date, and he rarely failed to remind me not to spit food or
throw up whenever he took me out to dinner.
O.k., like many people I joined an online dating service.
Since joining I have gone on several dates with different guys. None have
been "the one" but basically they have been pleasant. In case
you are not familiar with the process, first you answer a lot of questions and
send questions to people who are interested in you. then you graduate to
emailing, then to phone calls (cell phone only) and finally to a live date.
This is a short story about a date that never even made it to the live date.
Instead, one phone call was all it took to tell me he was jerk.
We made a date and I called his cell phone on a Friday night. No
answer, so left a message with my cell phone number. He called back about
1/2 hour later and we made small talk for a couple of minutes. Then he
said, "well let me give you my spiel". I kind of laughed and
said o.k., whatever.
He then proceeds to grill me as to why I live in
"Rivertown", NY? I was a little taken aback and said
"because I have year-round views of the Hudson River out of my
windows". He says yes, but many towns have that. Maybe, but my
taxes are lower. (Besides, why would you insult where a person lives
before you even see their home, location, etc.) It wasn't like he lived in
a very "upscale" town either. Well, I let that go
and moved onto another subject, travel. Now I love to travel, and actually
work at a large travel agency (which he knew from my emails). so, he asks
me where I have been to? I reply naming various cities, countries, etc.
(Paris, England, Portugal, Barbados, Wyoming, Colorado, Canada, etc.)
After I mention each place his response is "boring, boring, boring,
boring"! I was taken aback and said "excuse me"? He
then asked where else I had been. As I am always hopeful, I responded with Arizona, and
he stopped me to ask if I played golf?
I replied "no".
Then he says "well why did you go to Arizona
then"? Again, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I explained
that it was a beautiful state, and there are other things to do besides play
golf. Finally after listing another group of places, and
getting the same "boring, boring, boring, boring" response, I asked
him "look, what exactly are you looking for? He seemed confused
and asked me what I meant. I said "you are being very
insulting". His response: "Oh, I didn't mean to
be." Silence! Him: "Well my next trip
will be to the Far East." (as if I am supposed to be envious)
Me: "How nice for you!" Silence! He
says: "I guess this isn't going very well?" Me:
"Do you think?" Him: "I hate the phone."
(now he works in real estate, and I thought you had to use the phone a lot in
that field?) Me: "Well, I have had a long week, and I
need to go now." That was it, one of the worst "phone
dates" I have ever had. Imagine if I actually met this loser in
Page Last Updated September 18, 2008