Just Plain
Tacky
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So I have this aunt who we know in my family to have
certain, eh, problems. She has had closet eating disorders for probably
close to 40 years (not that this is an etiquette problem, but is a clue to
her mental state). We suspect that she is also a kleptomaniac (in addition
to stealing items from stores, she steals food from relatives' homes and
restaurant buffets). But the problem that bugs me the most is her
cheapskate gift-giving.
Understand, I am not trying to look a gift horse in the
mouth; however, the point of giving a gift to someone is to show that you
care enough about them to select a certain item that you think they would
like. My aunt, apparently, stockpiles cheap items in her home, awaiting a
gift-giving opportunity, rather than choosing items expressly for the
occasion and recipient.
This thoughtless stockpiling method has resulted in my
aunt giving me an identical gift two times in a row THREE TIMES. That
means for the last 6 gift-giving opportunities (birthday & Christmas
three years running) I have received three items twice. The first time I
was confused -- after all, she had given me items that usually come as a
"set" and I assumed she was filling out my set. The second time
I was annoyed -- when I went to return the duplicate to the store I
discovered that it was so old and out-of-stock they could not offer me any
refund (I just left it there). The third time I was seriously offended and
had to say something: "Oh! Now I have a matching pair!" She
replies, "Did someone already give you one?" Me: "Yes, you
did, for my birthday."
I would rather receive simply a card or heartfelt wishes
than the crap she doles out. Most of it ends up in the garbage, anyway.
(BTW: my youngest cousin, apparently learning from her
mom, gave me the same item twice, too, but I called her on it --
graciously I hope. I pulled her aside privately and said "I don't
want to embarrass you, but this is the same gift you gave me for my
birthday. I don't need two, and you obviously like it, so why don't you
keep this one for yourself." I don't want her to be picking up bad
habits.)
edPlainTacky0202-04
My daughter’s fifth birthday party included parents
who must have moved from Etiquettehell itself. We invited all of the
little girls in my daughter’s kindergarten to come for lunch and games,
from noon until 3:00 PM. One little girl’s father called to RSVP
and said that, as immigrants, they weren’t too familiar with birthday
parties. We lived in a very multicultural community and so this was
not uncommon. He wanted to know exactly what we were going to do,
where we lived and what it was like, and even on to what we did for a
living, did we have two cars???? It seemed a good idea gone way
overboard but I chalked it up to a cultural difference. He asked if
his wife could attend with the daughter just to be sure everything was
okay and I said sure. I figured another adult at the party would be
nice and that way they would know just what was going on. He pointed
out that he didn’t really like his wife to drive, so he would drop the
two of them off at noon. Again, that didn’t seem that out of line
although certainly not the way my family worked.
On the day of the party all of the little girls came
except for that one. We just assumed that they had changed their
minds and didn’t make a deal of waiting for them or anything. We
ate and played games and opened presents and so on. Then, at 2:50
the doorbell rang and I literally thought it was an early pick-up.
Instead, it was the three of them. Dad brought in Mom and Child and
took a quick walk-through the house and said he’d be back to pick them
up in a little bit. People were indeed picking up their kids as he
left so I tactfully suggested that he come back in a half an hour so the
girls could spend a little time but I’d still be able to clean up and
get ready to go out to dinner (for my daughter’s birthday dinner with
the family). The girls played, I gave Mom cake as she apologized
profusely for being so late and stood by the window waiting for her
husband’s return. We chatted a little bit and I found out that she
worked and her husband did not, as he felt it was important to drive her
to work, drive their daughter to kindergarten, pick her up from
kindergarten, and pick her up from work. In between he liked to shop
or visit his friends. The conversation pretty much convinced me this
wasn’t a cultural thing, but just one very controlling fellow.
This upstanding gentleman arrived at 5:00 to pick them
up, in a very good mood and oblivious to the fact that he was an hour and
a half later than requested. At school on Monday the teacher asked
how the party went and I said very well, but one girl had arrived at the
end and stayed really late. The teacher immediately named the child
and also guessed many of the other details. We moved away shortly
thereafter but I still wonder if they’ve figured out birthday parties
yet.
edPlainTacky0227-04
The day before Valentine's day, our local radio station
was taking lovers' dedication songs.
I heard my husband's ex-wife's current husband call in
to the radio station. They have been married a year and are expecting
their first baby. But did he ask the disc jockey to play a song for his
wife? Nope!
He told them to play him a racing song, because he was
ready for racing season to start so he can go race his stock car.
Nothin' says lovin' like Nascar, I guess....
edPlainTacky0229-04
Hi Jeanne--
Love the site, my productivity decreases sharply for
each year for a couple of days which correlate directly to the ehell
updates. Coincidence? I think not.
My submission may not be as heinous as many you receive,
but it is still bothering me three years later and I thought writing it
down might free me once and for all from the angst it still causes me. My
husband and have a couple that are very dear friends of ours. We were in
each other's wedding parties, we socialized often, we took care of each
other's pets/houses during vacations, etc. Each year we exchange holiday
gifts with them as part of our annual new year's eve celebration. One
year, a little over a month before the holiday, I was out shopping with
"Melissa" and she pointed out a pair of pajamas that she really
liked. Sensing a gift-giving opportunity, I filed this information away
and the next week went out to purchase the pajamas. The store was out of
the appropriate size in the pair she'd indicated she liked, but called
another branch in town to reserve the item in the correct size for me. I
drove across town, purchased the gift and wrapped it along with a gift
receipt and put it under the tree.
When we exchanged gifts that year, she responded very
positively after opening her gift. We all thanked each other for the gifts
we'd received, and celebrated the new year together. Imagine my surprise
when I walked into work after the holiday and read the following email:
Dear XXXX,
I don't know how to tell you this, but the pajamas you
got me weren't the ones I wanted. I normally wouldn't say anything, but
I've decided that I'm not going to keep my mouth shut anymore when I'm
unhappy about something just to protect the other person's feelings.
We had a great time, as always, the other night!
Melissa
If I am not mistaken, isn't "to protect the other
persons feelings" pretty much the NUMBER ONE REASON to "keep
your mouth shut when you're unhappy" about a gift? Couldn't she have
simply returned the pair and, in the unlikely event that I had occasion to
notice she wasn't wearing the pajamas, said that she returned them for
another pair that fit better/was a different color/had feet and a butt
flap, etc? I mean, I thought the resin picture frame with the sailboat on
it and gift card to the large home improvement chain that she bestowed
upon me a few nights before were both ugly and impersonal (in that order)
but did I send an email saying so? No. I smiled gratefully and thanked
them for the gifts because I realize that gifts are just that: gifts. They
are not a right, or an obligation, and since no one in this world owes me
anything I was lucky and pleased to get anything at all.
I struggled all day with an appropriate response before
settling upon a polite, sincere apology for the misunderstanding and a
gracious wish that she find a pair she liked better when returning them.
Believe me, it took me several drafts that were far more rude before I
swallowing my pride and responding appropriately. I was taught that it's
rarely ever a good idea to follow up rude behavior with more rude
behavior.
To this day, I have never mentioned it or let it color
our relationship. At least I can take pride in the fact that I kept MY
mouth shut when I was unhappy to protect HER feelings.
edPlainTacky0303-04
Hi Jeannie, This is about the fourth story I
have submitted to your site, but this time, the unfortunate incident
happened to a friend of mine. I told her about your site, and she
agreed that this story would be perfect, sadly. LOL
P. is a very dear person, kind and considerate to a
fault. She and E. have been married for almost thirty years, and
have two bright and beautiful kids. Both P. and E. lead very busy
lives, so their "alone time" is limited. This past
weekend, they attended their daughter's performance in the high school
play, and afterward, decided to grab a bite to eat at the restaurant owned
by P.'s sister and her husband. (We all work there, which is how I
happen to know P.) Upon entering the restaurant, E. encountered a
group of people with whom he used to work, until the factory closed a
couple of years ago. The factory closing was unexpected and sudden,
and it cost a lot of people their jobs and pensions. E. has moved
on, however, and is enjoying early retirement.
Well, E. said his hellos, and one of his former
co-workers then proceeded to come over and sit with P. and E. He
started bitching once again about the factory closing, then moved on to
bragging about his new job, and how much money he was now making. he
mentioned specific hourly amounts and everything. P. decided to
allow E. and his friend to visit a bit so, once they had ordered their
food, she went in search of her sister to chat with her a bit, until their
food arrived. After a little while she looked up to see the waitress
carrying their food over to their table, so she went back up to rejoin E.
and have their meal.
E.s former co-worker, a very large man, was still
sitting there, blocking her entrance to the booth, and the server could
barely even get close to the table. To boot, some other people had
now joined E. and the big jerk at the table, and P could not even get
close to the table or her food. She stood there, hoping the other
people would get the hint, get up, and leave P. and E. alone to eat.
Nope! The Big Jerk made some lame joke like, "no thanks, I just
ate!", when the server set her food down, and did not move
an inch to let P. sit or eat. He just sat there, breathing on her
sandwich, and flapping his jaws at E. E. could not get a word in
edgewise to suggest, politely, that Big Jerk allow his wife and he to
enjoy their meal.
After five or ten minutes, P. asked the server to grab
her sandwich for her, and she went off and ate it alone. The Big
Jerk and his entourage never did get up, until E. had paid the check and
he and P. went to leave. Needless to say, P. was livid, and with
good reason. Some people are just so clueless, you wonder how they
ever made it to adulthood.
edPlainTacky0323-04
I was headed for the last luggage cart in sight at
Heathrow airport, with a large tote bag on my shoulder, a good-sized
suitcase in each hand, and a 3-month-old baby strapped to my chest. When I
was 10 feet from the cart, a 40-something businessman passed me and took
the cart - for his briefcase. (The baby is now in graduate school, and I'm
still pi$$ed off at that jerk!)
edPlainTacky0324-04
Against my wishes, I somehow agreed to have dinner with
my estranged father ("John") and his girlfriend
("Cindy"), to celebrate my father's birthday. We made plans to
meet at the nicest restaurant in my small town and have a quick dinner,
which turned into an ordeal of several hours. Over the lengthy course of
the meal, John and Cindy finished two bottles of wine and a few cocktails,
which is the only possible explanation I can imagine for their behavior,
which was simply horrid. I do not know Cindy well, and John and I haven't
spoken in years, but I made every effort to be cordial and polite. They
encouraged me repeatedly to order a drink or have a glass of wine, knowing
that I was on prescription painkillers because of recent surgery. While I
attempted to limit the conversation to topics such as John's job, their
travel, and my school, Cindy shocked me by announcing that she had a close
relationship with my deceased great-grandfather, who she had never met.
The highlight of the evening took me by complete
surprise. I was talking about attending college in New England, and
mentioned that one of the drawbacks was that it was difficult to wear
pretty shoes in the winter. Cindy told me not to knock comfortable shoes
and proceeded to remove her shoe (a Birkenstock-style clog) from her foot
and hold it high above the table for all to see.
I cannot conceive of any situation in which holding
one's shoe above the dinner table would be acceptable. Even elevating a
Prada boot in a fast-food restaurant would be vile, but here we were, at
the nicest restaurant in town. And it was NOT the nicest shoe.
edPlainTacky0410-04
The setup: We had recently had our first child as young
parents. Our less than one-year old baby was strong-willed, a bit
high-strung, and rather demanding. Every evening from about 6 PM to 10PM,
he would scream at the top of his lungs. This was not just wailing, but a
very intense, give-it-all-you've-got kind of yelling; it was his way of
blowing off steam according to the doctor. Needless to say, this was very
stressful and we would do anything to keep him at a dull roar, which kept
us rather occupied all evening either walking or driving. Night sleep was
usually interrupted several times. I was full-time college and working 20
hours a week. My wife, understandably, was somewhat mind-numb and weary
after months of only dealing with this child all day long, all night long.
My fall: After a rare several days of relative quiet and
peaceful, uninterrupted sleep, my wife felt enough motivation and energy
to clean the apartment: the kitchen, bathroom, dishes, clothes,
everything. She was well proud of what she had accomplished for us, and
showed me the kitchen. Alas, I lifted the toaster and...proclaimed the
presence of crumbs. She was hurt and hugely offended.
That was thirteen years ago; we are still together. I
keep that story in my Hall of Shame to help remind me to stay sharp, to
provide laughs to others, or to acknowledge to my wife that I realize I've
gone and done something insensitive again.
edPlainTacky0413-04
I've got one for you. These past few weeks I have
been extremely sick. I was bedridden for four days and had my first
ever hospital visit because of my illness. I wasn't even born in a
hospital, but that's another story. This is one about not so good friends.
My friends, who I thought were the greatest people in
the world when I first met them, not only did not call me when I disappeared
for two weeks, but by the middle of the second week they had written me an
e-mail, or I got an e-mail from them. I had been unable to do anything but
lay there for quite a while. Anyway when I check my e-mail I got a letter
from them saying how rude it had been of me to just drop off the face of
the planet and ignore them. Believe me if I had been in any condition to
call them I would have, but I wasn't. They didn't have enough concern for
their friends to call and see WHY I had not contacted them. They had made
no effort within those two weeks to contact me to see if maybe I had
gotten sick or they had done something to anger me. No, they immediately
assume that I was ignoring them because I have no manners. I wanted to
call them, I wanted to hang out with them and talk to them, believe me.
But I was unconscious for four days. It is kind of hard to make a phone
call when you can't stay awake long enough to even finish tossing your
guts into the toilet!
edPlainTacky0520-04
I have lived all of my life in the American West--
mostly in California, and for a few years in Utah. Both states have a
large Latino population, particularly California, some of whom do not
speak English well enough to be able to sit through a movie filmed in
English and grasp the gist of the movie without assistance. I don't have a
problem with Latinos, and I don't have a problem with Latinos who choose
not to learn English, or who know English, but prefer to speak Spanish or
a tribal language whenever possible. I'm a registered Libertarian, so
obviously I believe we all have to co-exist, and we all have the right to
use the language(s) of our choosing. But, on the other hand, the cost of
movie tickets and refreshments has gotten so high, and the inconvenience
of sneaking in one's own refreshments is a pain (c'mon I am not the only
one who has tried it), so I don't feel it's discourteous of me to say it's
an etiquette violations the many times I've gone to the picture show and
wound up sitting near Latinos who wound up disrupting me because they do
not speak English and they chose to come to a movie filmed in English with
an interpreter. Sure, maybe Hollywood needs to get in touch with the
reality of the marketplace, and start automatically including Spanish
subtitles, but that's not how it is. Stay home and watch it on cable or on
video or DVD if you want to be able to have someone interpret the movie
for you.
edPlainTacky0521-04
My story starts when I got off the plane in the Dominican
Republic. I was in line at immigration the place was packed full of
vacationers. I had been in line for a hour when more people started to
pour in. I was in a line when this French family walked up in front of me
and broke into the line. I asked them to get in the back of the line. They
said to me "Its O.K." I said no its not I had to wait so should
you. They kept saying "Oh no its O.K." So I put my bags in front
of me and started to slowly edge them out of the line .They were talking a
bunch of smack about me in French, but by the time I got to the
immigration gate I had pushed them out of the line. 4hrs later!! I had
never had a problem with "French people" before, but I'm
schooled now!!! Thanks 4 your web site!!!!!
edPlainTacky0709-04
I have been friends with this girl for the past 3 years,
and she used to be my 'best friend'. She has always been a little odd, and
likes to think of herself as 'alternative', but this does not excuse her
behavior! Last year she made a compilation CD and gave me a copy, just as
a nice gesture, which was cool. She then made 2 follow-up CDs and gave me
copies, which was also very nice.
Last Christmas, towards the end of the autumn term when
my group of friends were exchanging Christmas gifts before the holidays
started, she announced she didn't have any money as her mother had not
given her any pocket money due to bad behavior. Ok, fine, so she said she
would get people gifts in the sales after Christmas when she was more
affluent. I was also not that well off at the time, but through some ingenuity,
managed to buy or make all my friends and family presents. As her birthday
was on the 19th of December, and she was going to have a birthday party, I
offered to buy her a manicure as a joint birthday/Christmas present before
her party so she would have pretty nails on the night. I took her to the
shop, helped her choose a neutral color, then sat and waited 30 minutes
for it to be done. The day before her party I see her in school and she
has chipped it all off and drawn all over her fingers in blue ink. I
politely point this out, and she says 'Yeah, well, it wasn't really me,
was it?'
To top things off, as Christmas presents for at least 5
of our friends she gave them the exact same CD she had given me earlier in
the year. And not even the set of 3 each, just one CD. Home made CDs are
fine, I made one for a friend too, but I spent a lot of time finding music
she would like and asking my brother, a good graphic artist, to design a
cover for it. In such cases, it really is the thought that counts. She
never did buy them gifts in the sales. I try to limit my contact with her
these days, I wonder why...
edPlainTacky0614-04
Page Last Updated May 15, 2007
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